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 Post subject: Re: Thank you
PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 9:00 am 
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hi swimmer,

You have already received some excellent support, here. I have these few additional remarks.

but I cannot accept it and I still feel that partners are pressurised into taking the blame and the guilt and encouraged to accept behaviour that is unacceptable just because it is given the addiction title.

It has already been said, but I wish to emphasize that Nowhere on this site are partners told to take blame for their partner’s addiction, nor to accept the accompanying behaviours as acceptable. If there is some confusion in some parts of the workshop, please share those specific parts so they may be disambiguated for future participants as well as for yourself.

This site fails to explain why so many men become addicted without having trauma and why so many people who do suffer trauma don’t become addicted.
This is no small task, and one that is best left to the scientists and researchers who study addiction. Just as some people who are “recreational drinkers” eventually become alcoholics, while others seem to actively seek the numbing properties of drink as a way to avoid dealing with life’s stressors. It is highly unlikely that there is one simple answer that fits all cases.

There are always excuses and RN perpetuates the myth that it’s ok to lie if you play the addiction card.
Nowhere on this site is this explicitly stated, nor is it even implied. Again, if you can point out any parts that have caused confusion, please do so. Just because compassion is a value that is supported, does not mean that being deceitful and using addiction as an excuse is okay, or tolerated if it is known to be the truth. But, on the recovery side, the coaches and mentors there give the members the benefit of the doubt, because we (coaches and mentors) are not the judge and jury of each member's process, nor for their reasons for being here. Personal responsibility is the organizing principle of all of the work that is done here, for both partners and persons with addiction.

After the hell that I have been through I wanted to feel better/happy/safe/loved/cherished/appreciated, and for me to stay married I needed to feel that from my partner. No amount of healing on my part will make me feel those things from him. No amount of recovery on my part will help me accept someone who is too weak to do the right thing for his family.
Absolutely! No amount of healing will make him express those things to you. That is up to him. Your healing is not about getting him to do what you want from him. It is about you. Further, it is completely acceptable that you have a boundary for partnership which includes feeling safe, loved, cherished and appreciated, regardless of what you have been through. These are good values to have within any relationship, and you should not accept anything less if that is what is important to you! Some people will value letting their partner be "weak" for a while (i.e. they will tolerate mistakes) to “wait and see” if he will transition to health based living. This is according to their personal values, and are not a reflection of you or your values.

I don’t care how addicted a man is if he hasn’t got the strength to put his family first and stop the lies there is no point to me having values and boundaries.
Consider that it is because you have values and boundaries regarding family and partnership that has you feel this way. What seems to be missing is enforcing those boundaries. Leaving RN is an option, but so doing won’t change anything in your circumstance. Only by enforcing your values and boundaries will anything change (and that anything won't necessarily be him). I think that you are confounding what it means to be responsible for yourself and your circumstance with being to blame for your circumstance. It is not your fault that your husband has an addiction, but it is your choice to do what you will with that information now that you have it.

Again (I said this in your personal HT, and I say it here, too) --I am sorry for how you are feeling. If you feel you have gotten all you can from RN, and wish to no longer participate, then that is your choice and I wish you well on whatever is next for you.

Be well.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)

 Post subject: Re: Thank you
PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 9:24 am 
Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
I was thinking over night about your comments about the development of addiction. My spouse did not experience abuse either and so I have always been curious about the different ways addiction forms. I think for my spouse he went through a period of his adolescence where other potential supports were removed and so he relied heavily first on video games and then on pmo. I know that the lesson on addiction development does mention that there are rare cases where the addiction is developed by what is referred to as a "pleasure/pleasure" pattern. This might be what you describe... that he just "likes it." However, you're also taking all of this on the say so of someone who is somewhat shockingly un self-aware. He may have developed it by the "pleasure/pleasure" pattern, or there may be abuse he is unwilling to share, OR there may be abuse that he has not defined as abuse (contact that he believes to be consensual but was not because of the power that the other person had over him) OR, like my partner, he may have had critical supports removed at crucial times of development - and so developed the addiction in order to cope. How it developed is not actually of that great of an importance to you. It is a part of the lessons (I'm assuming) to make it clear to partners that the addiction developed before them and so has absolutely nothing to do with who they are or what they have done in the relationship.
swimmer wrote:
The pleasure element is underplayed and it makes wives feel guilty for being angry for all the wasted years .SA’s avoid saying yes I’ve had a marvellous time while you got on with responsible life.

Do SA's experience pleasure during their acting out? Absolutely. But I would hardly describe the life of an SA as "a marvelous time." In witnessing my partner's recovery I feel confident in saying it's actually hell where they've found an oasis of salt water. I don't say that because I think everyone needs to feel sorry for them, although I do think it's a pitiful and pitiable situation. And I certainly don't say it to nullify anger. I don't think any wife should feel guilty for being angry. Her life, and her years are just as precious and they have been wasted! I just suspect that anyone willing to completely destroy their life for something so trivial must be desperately trying to hide from something they're terrified of.

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