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PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2014 6:47 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
I just want to share some thoughts ... conclusions I've recently come to ... maybe my truth will mean something to someone else out there ...
I must mention that although I'm one of the partners I've come to realise I also have poor coping mechanisms and lack vision and wisdom about what life is all about ... so I temporarily moved to the recovery side trying to "build" myself instead of "mend" what was broken. I'm in a much better place now, more detached, wiser and able to show compassion and love to my H because I think I start to understand some things. So, what have I come to understand?

1. Happiness is something we grant ourselves. We get to decide who we want to be, what we want to do, how we want to live. Respecting our decisions and living to the best of our potential makes us happy. Not someone else's love ..., not external circumstance ..., not material things. Someone else's love means that you are worth it, that you are special. But what if you already know that? Do you still need someone else's love to grant you that? And who is this person you want so desperately to love you back the same way you love them? Do you admire this person for who they are? If you don't admire ... why should you crave for their acceptance and love? What do they know? Pretty much nothing ... Happiness is all about living the life we deserve and dream for ourselves and be proud of ourselves. That is happiness and peace and joy. All the rest is circumstantial, temporary, external. Happiness comes from knowing yourself, respecting who you are and being proud of yourself. And that is what I intend to do.

2. Words are powerful, yes, but the personal example is much more. I sat down with my H pleading and begging and trying to explain to him what feelings are, what depth is, what it is to feel proud and strong ... he couldn't get it ... As soon as I started living by what I preached he could SEE the difference for himself. He saw me becoming wiser, more intuitive, more understanding, more compassionate, more detached. He saw me changing, stepping away from the darkness of despair into the peace of sense making and acceptance. He seems to understand now that there is some other way to live, there is something to aspire to. He seems to start making sense. I also hope he will pursue that path but it's entirely up to him. However, I will stick around to see how he does ... What I know about myself is that if he makes it ... I will admire him for his effort and determination ... and becoming someone I admire ... I will want to win his love and acceptance ...

3. Live in the present moment. It's ok to plan the future, to aspire or expect things to happen. But the happiness is in the present, not in the future. We live the present by engaging completely into whatever we are doing. If I read a book I'm doing just that. If I talk to the kids, they have my full attention, my mind and my heart. Whatever I do I must do it fully, engaging and living it, enjoying it, not being absent minded, constantly thinking of my H, our problems and the sorrow in our lives. That has its designated place in time and it also has my full attention.

RN teaches us how to live. I am so grateful for that. I think they should teach values in school. I wish my mom would have known this ... I went through life pursuing other people's ideas of what makes them happy ... but it never quite clicked ... now I get it. RN not only saved my life in the darkness of Dday but it's now teaching me how to live, something I should have known all my life. It's how I teach my H's kids now ...
We all learn ... how to be happy ...

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2014 2:13 pm 
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Joined: Thu Oct 11, 2012 2:02 pm
Posts: 420
Ursula,

It is so beautiful to read your account of how you found your joy! I loved your synopsis and think it is very helpful to see it all in short-hand. Why what someone else does or does not do can affect us, but can no longer topple us! Others can appreciate my worth, but their appreciation does not change my worth.

Thanks so much for sharing - I am celebrating with you!
thebagholder


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PostPosted: Tue May 20, 2014 1:20 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
Thank you, thebagholder,
It is indeed a miracle to me ... having realised so many things about life and about myself and how I can deal with life and be happy. Yes, what others do can definitely affect us ... but now I know it cannot define me, my core identity and happiness potential do not depend on that. I would say that while it's true that happiness is a choice as the wise put it ... it's more a question of perspective ... and the truth is that most of the times because of our own emotions we cannot adopt that perspective that would set us free and would give us peace. Most of the times we are too hurt, confused, scared or delusional (thinking this and that would make you happy and you really have to have it) to step back and look at the bigger picture. My purpose in life has been to love someone deeply and completely and to be loved back the same. That is very unwise as I was putting my happiness in the hands of someone else, really believing that's the only thing that can make me happy (I was also confusing pleasure with happiness at some level) ... You know, at some point I came to realise I'm not that different from my H. I also crave for that external validation ... but unlike him, I do not seek it from every men I meet, I seek it from my one and only ... who happened to be him. So instead of changing him with someone else and be stuck in the same bubble I choose to change myself and find happiness within me. Well, it's a way of saying I chose ... it wasn't really my choice ... even though it was ... the thing is ... you think you don't have a choice because you lack perspective and knowledge and understanding ... the second you see things differently you changed already in fundamental ways, all you have is admit it and build on it.
So yeah, my worth is real, I do not need my H to validate that. So now I feel so free from worrying what if he doesn't make it, I shouldn't waste myself or my time ... but no, it's not a waste, it's respecting who I am and being proud of myself. To be honest, I'm very happy with how things turned out for me, I wouldn't change it for anything. It's sad that we had to struggle but I'm over it, I'm free and happy, happier than I was before, even before D-day. I even thanked my H ... well, it's not his doing but one of my values is to be grateful ... so I expressed my gratitude for making me his wife and putting me through all this ... :)) I wouldn't change any of this ... I found myself and that is so precious to me ... and I wouldn't have done it otherwise. So, I am happy, grateful, hopeful even for him ... but I am ready to face whatever comes from his side or from any other side. I am not alone anymore, I have myself.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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