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 Post subject: Update on me
PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2014 3:46 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
It has been so long since I have been here, but was thinking about this place a few weeks ago, so logged on and started an update, then life got busy and I never finished it.

My very short story is my ex-husband of 15 years had an affair when we had been married 5 years. At that time he told me about other incidents with women, including a co-worker making a pass at him in her apartment (he said he drover her home because she had been drinking and was going to sleep on her couch because he had been drinking :? :s: ), meeting a woman at a company party who he dated within our first year of marriage (I had decided not to go with him and he said he was mad so picked up this woman afterwards), had other things like online accounts looking for sex from early in our marriage....all unbeknownst to me until he confessed. He swore then and swears now he never slept with anyone until the brief affair. In the aftermath of the affair he tried to convince me to get into swinging with him. I looked at ads with him but the idea repulsed me and I said no.

I was devastated, naturally, and over the next 2 years we seemed to get much healthier, closer. But then I was in college and demands on my time increased. We started to drift apart. Went through so many counselors over the years. Found some support online with infidelity forums. Within a couple more years he was gambling on line a lot. Then he stopped that and started drinking a lot. Then he got into compulsive masturbation with porn....so much so he was leaving sores on himself.

Then 8 years after the affair, I caught him in and online affair, which he seriously minimized but he was 'in love' with this woman who was across the world and he had never met. That's when I found Recovery Nation.

I was hopeful but he only ever did a little appeasement work here and there. Ironically though, every time he did complete a lesson in the recovery workshop or see his counselor, he would feel good about himself, feel better and more hopeful. I waited. I was impatient. I drew hard lines. I demanded he get help. I started to resign myself to simply co-existing with him to raise our son.

Then a year ago, his father became very ill and needed someone to come help him. He lives in Nevada and my husband stayed there for 5 weeks, partied with a group he found and dated a woman. We fought a lot. He would call demanding I listen to him dump on me in the rudest way about what he was dealing with with his father. (His father is a very immature man himself and his apartment had so much filth in it, he had to hire people to help and the apartment folks had to redo everything in there including tearing out walls....it was disgusting). I wanted to support him, but not when it was like this "You need to listen to me right now because I deserve someone to talk to." He would yell things like that at me while I was at work and expect me to drop everything so he could rudely dump on me. I stopped taking his calls. A week went by and he called and I told him in a heated argument that I hated him and he couldn't come home. Next day was Mother's Day and he called to with me happy mother's day....another fight and he said he wanted a divorce.

So we have been separated for a little over a year now. He has dated mulitple women and had two girlfriends this last year. In one way, this has been validating for me because apparently I am not the only woman who had issues with him. And he can finally see that. We have had quite a year he and I. We still have yet to file for anything, legal separation or divorce. For a long time it was hard for me to file and let it all go. Now I think he is having the same problem, saying he can't be married to me and can't not be married to me. For me though, I know I no longer wish for us to be with him in his current state.

We get along now and work together for our son. He still has some of the same issues around communication he's always had - like not being specific and me having to regularly ask what he means. When he has gotten upset about me "questioning him" this last year, I finally just started ending the conversation or walking away. I get boundaries and consequences now. Basically, what I have settled on is if he is being acting appropriately I receive that warmly. If he isn't I walk away, disengage somehow. Or for things like not being specific, I have told him I won't ask him questions if he is clear about what he is saying and if he isn't I will ask....if he gets huffy, I tell him to text/email me when he feels more clear about what he asking for. Now he really does try to be more clear and doesn't react when I ask for clarification. Example - last week he said "I think I am going to see my dad over the holiday weekend, do you mind?" I asked "are you asking if son can go with you or stay home with me?" He said "I don't know." I said "okay well ask again when you know, but either way is probably fine, just need to know ahead of time." He said "okay." This interaction would have created a fight months ago.

Over this last year, he has also told me many times he was going to get counseling. I have said 'good for you.' And left it at that. He has also wanted a counselor for any times he feels we need to talk about hot topics and says he will find one, but hasn't yet to date. One of his girlfriends convinced him it was all me, and he has no problems, then broke up with him a month later because he refused to divorce me and commit to her.

Well, I have had a lot more to say than I thought I would. :s:

I have been dating another man for several months now and that has been very healing for me. He treats me with respect. I feel safe with him. He isn't perfect but I haven't been treated like this is so many years, well, it's good.

A few weeks ago, ex and I met for coffee and this man who would almost never talk to me, regularly wants to end conversations, talked and talked for 3 hours. We got along. I was the one that said I needed to leave. He told me all about his last year of dating and I told him some of my dating experiences. He was more interested in telling than listening. :s: I don't think he expected other men would find me interesting, attractive and I think he experiences a little jealousy, but that's okay.

After that we had to fight our son's school and had to spend a lot more time talking, emailing, texting to deal with it as a united front. That's been interesting as he got overwhelmed with the sheer volume of emails flying back and forth so I took point on answering most of those. At one point a couple of weeks ago, he emailed me how wonderful the teacher was doing by scheduling the meeting I had to ask for. I really lost it and told him if there was even a hint of him fishing around to date one of these women we were now fighting for the benefit of our son, I would proceed on my own and no longer include him on my communication with them. That this teacher was not doing 'wonderful' but was part of the problem that we were now fighting and that I don't need a lot from him, but I expect support from him, for him to have my back, acknowledge the work I do and express appreciation for really putting myself on the line for our son (I work for the same school district and am fighting my employers). I was really sick (literally with a cold), stressed and tired when that happened. He tried to talk me down, but I couldn't recover myself until the next morning when I apologized. He reassured me he had no interest in anything with these women other than helping our son and that of course he is grateful for what I am doing for him. I told him I would appreciate more regular encouragement for what I do for our family. And since then, he regularly tells me thank you and how much he appreciates me more times than he probably has in our whole relationship. Even getting specific thank yous and acknowledgements. :s: It feels great! It seems one thing with him is if I clearly let him know what I want and that I am willing to act if he doesn't, he responds.

Another thing that has happened with me is I actually don't correct him much anymore on boundary violations. Typically I just don't respond or ignore bad behavior (like blowing me off, rude comments) and on his own, he will often figure it out, apologize on his own and correct the issue. Example: he offered to fix my car on a certain day, then never followed through and the day came and went. I didn't call him out on it. Four days later he texted me asking a favor. I was busy and didn't respond. He texted a few hours later that he was sorry about the car and could he fix it that day. I didn't see that text and he texted again. I responded that night. Disengaging for me has been the most sane thing I have ever done with him. All those years of trying to force, cajole, convince, beg, plead, threaten....etc didn't do much for me at all. And he didn't respond like he does now when I simply don't respond to poor behavior. I now pay attention and receive warmly the behavior I appreciate from him. He is regularly on time picking up our son, offers to take him extra to help me when I am busy, asks far in advance when he needs to change his schedule with son.

It took time but things are getting better for he and I as exes. He says he is trying and I believe him. He's still looking for a counselor for us to get closure but hasn't done that yet. I think he is having some regrets over how things ended, at losing me and the family. I invited him to come to our family celebration on Mother's Day and it was nice to have him around again....we have all missed him. But when I introduced him to a daughter's friend I called him "son's father." I am there I think. :s: It was a hard year in some ways but I have found I am able to take care of myself just fine. I have found there are other men, healthier men out there. Life is good.

Anyway, if you get to the end here, I have a piece of internet chocolate for you as a prize. :w: Be well everyone on your journeys.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


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 Post subject: Re: Update on me
PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2014 7:58 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
It's good to hear from you! I'm glad you've found a peaceful way to interact with your Ex, I hope that continues. You've been missed.


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 Post subject: Re: Update on me
PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2014 12:08 am 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
Hi Mrs. Jones. Thanks for chiming in. Yes he and I get along very well now, ironically. We have both commented on how it would have been nice to get along this well when we were together. :g:

A few months ago, I felt some pressure to decide to let go of him once and for all. So off course I left town and spent two night in a room by the ocean. I thought things through, and simply came to the conclusion that for my own good, I needed to let him go and simply decided to do that. I thought I would feel sad, heavy, remorseful afterwards, but I felt free. And that took the pressure off our interactions. If he gets help or not is his business. I wish him well and even hope he is able to have a healthy relationship some day. One thing I learned this year is we can heal our relationship without ever getting back together. Who knew? :ex: Some days I wonder about reuniting since neither of us has made steps to file any paperwork, but, well, I am more committed to my own peace of mind than him recovering.

Good to be back.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


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 Post subject: Re: Update on me
PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2014 3:24 pm 
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General Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:49 pm
Posts: 3957
So good to hear from you and I am sooo happy for how you are getting on now. It was really rough there for awhile but I knew you would pull through!

:g:


Cheryl


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 Post subject: Re: Update on me
PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2014 8:40 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2005 9:15 pm
Posts: 487
Nice to hear things are going ok. I always thought you were a very strong woman and that things would work out ok for you.

hugs
Starry


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 Post subject: Re: Update on me
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2014 11:05 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2012 6:19 pm
Posts: 452
It's so good to hear from you Autumnrose! You sound so happy and that makes me smile :w:

Hugs,
Coach Sue

_________________
"You are the designer of your destiny. You are the author. You write the story. The pen is in your hand, and the outcome is whatever you choose." Lisa Nichols


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