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 Post subject: Seeking support
PostPosted: Sun Jun 08, 2014 12:11 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 01, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 10
Hi, I wanted to introduce myself. My H has worked on his porn addiction with a therapist and also through RN, and has recently recommitted after another series of slips. They were relatively minor, but he wasn't going to tell me (or his therapist) until I realized he was acting like he had no issues (always a clue) so I insisted on a recovery update.

After dealing with this for 15 years now and reading many sources, I see that most people (maybe everyone?) with compulsions of this sort has to work on it continuously. If they stop working on it, they seem to slip back eventually ... which to me is bizarre and upsetting, but it's reality just the same. So, I'd like to be here to talk with people who understand what I'm going through. There isn't anyone else in my life I feel comfortable discussing it with.

I'll give a very brief history. My H managed to keep a brief affair that happened before we were engaged (which I possibly could have excused from a teenager with a confession and apology), and then growing porn use, a secret from me for 20 years! I never minded porn, but the fact that he kept it from me, used it to to escape responsibilities, and then became impotent from it (before his first attempt at recovery) showed me he obviously had a problem. I went through the horrifying D-days, drip discoveries, polygraphs to make sure no illegal activities or other women were involved, etc. It was emotionally exhausting and still is at times after all these years.

We've done lots of therapy together and separately (with about five therapists over the years) and I've done plenty of healing work. He's never gone back to anywhere near as bad as he once was, but at this point any slips really bother me. I don't care much about having sex anymore, which is unfortunate. We were doing better in that area, but since the last slip a few weeks ago, I don't really want to. I hope that will change.

Right now my H's therapist thinks I should get re-involved in therapy with him, partly so he can get my point of view about what's going on. I guess that makes sense, but I dread doing this again. I'd rather not deal with this or think about it anymore, but I realize that's not an option even for most people who separate from their SA's!

Thanks for reading this. You all are brave women and I admire you for your dedication to healing yourselves and one another. I hope we can help each other, too.

Sophia


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 Post subject: Re: Seeking support
PostPosted: Sun Jun 08, 2014 9:51 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
Welcome Sophia. I am so sorry for what all you are dealing with. It is exhausting but want to say it is up to you whether you participate in his therapy or not. If you aren't ready just yet, that is completely understandable. Maybe you need to do some r & r just for yourself first. It wears a person down to keep having this keep coming up again and again. Is his therapist trained in dealing with sex addiction? Again, welcome. I'm sorry you are in a situation where you need to seek a place like this out, but glad you found it. :-)

_________________

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"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


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 Post subject: Re: Seeking support
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 11:32 am 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
Welcome to Recovery Nation Sophia! I"m sorry you've been on this journey for so long.

Sophia wrote:
After dealing with this for 15 years now and reading many sources, I see that most people (maybe everyone?) with compulsions of this sort has to work on it continuously. If they stop working on it, they seem to slip back eventually ... which to me is bizarre and upsetting, but it's reality just the same.


This is the traditional view of Recovery - that it is a process that must continually be maintained and focused on to avoid falling back into the same behaviors. Health based recovery approaches it in a slightly different way. A health based recovery focuses on learning new ways to manage emotions (both positive and negative) so that the addict no longer needs those behaviors the way they once did. In health based recovery, it is expected that at some point the addict will no longer be an addict and will move on with their life - finding other aspects of their life to focus on and develop to create the most fulfilling life they can. A disease based recovery (the traditional model) tells people that they will always be addicts, that they must never allow their focus to waver from maintaining abstinence or they will fall back into old patterns. A health based recovery tells people that the behaviors are only a symptom of a larger problem, and that focusing solely on abstinence is a trap that will leave you stuck in a life that is controlled by the behaviors you once had. (Even it if it is only controlled by them in that you must be focused continually on abstinence.) Recovery nation subscribes to Health Based recovery. We believe that addiction does not have to be a life-long disease, but that people can learn new ways of living.
As far as participating in therapy with your husband, I would make the decision based on what you want for yourself. Do you feel that more therapy would be beneficial for you?
Sophia wrote:
I'd rather not deal with this or think about it anymore, but I realize that's not an option even for most people who separate from their SA's!

You say this here and I wanted to say 2 things about this. First, This may or may not be healthy. If you not wanting to think about it or deal with it is a way of attempting to ignore the problems, that's not going to be healthy. If it's that you recognize the drain on your time and energy that participating in his therapy has been, and you think that time and energy could be spent in other ways that would make your life more fulfilled and productive, then it could be very healthy. Second, I'm not sure what you mean that it's not an option, even for people who separate. Dealing with a partner's addiction does require intentionality, sometimes it takes a lot of work, and a lot of thought. But it's also not something that needs to (or should) suck up all of your time and energy. You have the right to have a joyful, fulfilling life; regardless of if your partner struggles with addiction or not.
I would really encourage you to go through the workshop. Be Well!
Mrs. Jones


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 Post subject: Re: Seeking support
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 2:03 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Hi Sophia,
Welcome to Recovery Nation. I'm going to jump in here with a few thoughts.
Quote:
Right now my H's therapist thinks I should get re-involved in therapy with him partly so he can get my point of view about what's going on. I guess that makes sense, but I dread doing this again.
Key tools we learn hereon is defining our values very specifically and setting boundaries to protect them with consequences you are willing to enforce. His "getting your point of view" may take your implementing boundaries that speak directly to the values he is violating, and your enforcing them over and over and over until he begins to see that you are standing your ground. The mindset, old patterns, and skewed perceptions allow the SA to validate his choices and his explanations resulting in blame-shifting making you the responsible party. If you do become re-involved in therapy, it may be wise to do the RN healing workshop and develop the values/boundary tools first along with a clear vision of what you want your life to be including all the elements that are important to you from hobbies, to passion, to family, jobs, education, joy, etc. whether he's in your life or not.
Quote:
I'd rather not deal with this or think about it anymore, but I realize that's not an option even for most people who separate from their SA's!
Living with an SA, especially one who continues to fall back into old patterns, takes it toll. His choices are just that - his choices. He will either do the work or he won't. Your job is you. You say you've done a lot of healing work, and that's great. We all reach a place where we decide what we can live with and what we can't based on our values. Perhaps, you are near that point of decision. Nonetheless, I highly recommend that you do the RN healing workshop, just for yourself. Turn him over to himself. He has to want to become healthy and be willing to practice living a life according to a set of values that will keep him healthy. It's up to him to figure that out. Your only job, from my perspective, is yourself.

Hope this helps, :w:
Nellie James


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 Post subject: Re: Seeking support
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 5:33 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 01, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 10
Thanks to all of you. I appreciate your support and feedback!

Quote:
As far as participating in therapy with your husband, I would make the decision based on what you want for yourself. Do you feel that more therapy would be beneficial for you?


I honestly don't know. I think it mostly helps my H, whose slips have been limited and minor for several years -- things that wouldn't have been an issue to me when I was in my 20s. He is otherwise an attentive, affectionate husband and father and treats me well in all other ways. And thankfully, there's never been any blame shifting, as he's always taken the blame and feels ashamed of why it seems so hard. (He fits the profile of someone who might have trouble managing emotions: neglectful parents, having been molested as a child, somewhat low self-esteem). So, it wouldn't violate my values or boundaries to participate, and I suppose I could get something from it I don't expect.

Quote:
Dealing with a partner's addiction does require intentionality, sometimes it takes a lot of work, and a lot of thought. But it's also not something that needs to (or should) suck up all of your time and energy.


I agree it shouldn't suck up all my time and energy, and normally it doesn't. I was referring to the "lot of work and a lot of thought." I don't always want to do those things. Sometimes I just want him to STOP! But as you all pointed out, there's nothing I can do about that, and it's obviously harder for him than I think it should be. :pe:

Quote:
Is his therapist trained in dealing with sex addiction?


Yes, my H's current therapist has a lot of experience with SA and addictions of all kinds. He's also very supportive of RN, which is definitely required!

Thanks again. :w:
Sophia


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 Post subject: Re: Seeking support
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 8:06 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Are you currently in the RN healing workshop? If not, I again suggest that you do the lessons. If you do decide to participate at his sessions, the tools and personal insights you gain by doing the work the lessons require may help in these sessions. Just a suggestion - only you can make the decision. Recovery for him and healing for you are both long hard journeys that are unique to each individual. It all boils down to living a health based life based on healthy values for each of you.

I wish you well as you continue on. Please give yourself the gift of patience. :w:

Nellie


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 Post subject: Re: Seeking support
PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2014 8:01 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 01, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 10
Thanks, Nellie. I have agreed to join in the therapy sessions, but I honestly prefer not to do any written lessons at this time. I have done similar work, though, and am finding it helps to read what other people have to say. Hopefully I will have something to share as well, and maybe I will revisit the lessons later.

Warmly,
Sophia


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