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PostPosted: Sat Jun 14, 2014 11:39 am 

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 12:41 pm
Posts: 95
I'm doing well with most of my values and vision. I'm practicing doing the exercises that get my life back on track. I see progress in my mental health and my relationships with family and friends. I AM NOT INDULGING IN SURVEILLANCE ( most important, because this was MY compulsion).

Short summary of us: H had made no move toward recovery until he got drunk and violent at the end of December. He saw that I was working toward my health, regardless of his choices. I told him to leave and he did. Two days later he came back and admitted to having had many other relationships in the eight years we've lived together. I came here for advice on how to handle my side of his recovery... with reservations, knowing he would likely not have the strength to do the work to recover. Eight weeks later he started a love affair with a new client. She is attractive, well adjusted, healthy, and poised. She has been married for a considerable time, and is childless. She has made peace with that. H was able to play on her emotions and draw her into an affair. She became uncomfortable with me and our business relationship almost immediately. Apparently, she chose to keep the professional relationship over the sexual one with H. But I put her jobs on the back burner, and she let me know, without words that she had ended the affair. H was devastated, and spent days mourning his loss. During this time, he and I were becoming more sexual again, and I was willing to give it a try.

Also, during this time, his long- time girlfriend moved back to my town, and when she saw us on the road, she would blat her car horn to let me know she is still connected to him.

This morning he wanted to have sex and I put him off. Jon said to address every violation, and I have, but it hasn't made a difference. Do I have to address this again? He knows how these things affect me, he knows what my boundaries are. I am tired of rehashing my needs. Am I allowed to be mute and handle this in a way that supports my needs, or, in an effort to heal, do I need to continue to state my feelings?

Also in the last few months, his long- time girlfriend moved back to my town and, when she saw us on the road she

PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2014 4:08 pm 
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hi Delores,

There is no rule that you must address the violation… but I urge you to consider the consequences of not addressing violations. For me, the biggest concern would be that I would be indirectly sending the message that that my boundaries don’t count (because I are not willing to stand up for them), which suggests that I can be walked all over/that he can do whatever and there will be no consequences. That said, simply stating a violation isn’t effective unless you are prepared to follow through with enforcing those boundaries. Further, boundary enforcement doesn’t require that you saying anything at all, especially if you have already communicated your boundaries. Does this answer your question?

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)

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