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 Post subject: Ugh
PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2014 1:18 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
Ladies, I am really missing parts of our relationship right now. I know that I can't go back to it, intellectually speaking. But it's really hard right now not to call him up and say, "Hey, I changed my mind, let's try to reconcile." Let me repeat. I DO NOT WANT to do that. I know that. I know it would go right back to the way it was before. He just got charged with sexual harassment at work and he is in total denial that he "did anything." Sigh. The usual. I know he hasn't changed one bit. He may look or appear that he has, but he hasn't. Impossible in such a short time.

I know all this. Why is it so hard to put it behind me?

Any thoughts are welcomed!


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 Post subject: Re: Ugh
PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2014 2:54 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
I think these are normal feelings. You shared a life and it's only natural to miss parts of the relationship. I still miss both of my husbands at times. I was talking to my mom about this and she was remembering the end of her marriage to my step-father. He was abusive towards me, sexually and physically. Anyway, it took years but eventually he was convicted for what he had done to my sister. She tried to stay even at that point, where he was not allowed near any of us and she had to go to his apartment each weekend. It took her a long time to let go and when she finally did, she said even then, after everything he had put her and our family, there was still some things she missed about him and their relationship. He was funny for one thing and would make us all laugh at times. He also wasn't afraid of hard work. I was saying how hard it's been on my own since my husband had left. Just seemed busy all the time and felt like I was never going to catch up. And how I missed things he had brought to our relationship. Anyway, slowly it happened for her, that she was able to get used to her new normal. After a little over a year apart from my husband, I am getting used to my new normal and being on my own. But there are still moments I miss him, miss his help. And ironically, he has continued to help me in practical ways since our split. Which has probably made that easier for me. But still. When I married him, I meant it and thought it was for life. Letting go of that dream has been hard. Hearing him call me his ex is hard sometimes for some reason.

Anyway, I understand I think. Feelings are important to heal and work through, but the nice thing is we don't have to act on them. We can recognize they are what they are and don't need to guide the course of our lives. I am sorry you are going through this but you aren't alone.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


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 Post subject: Re: Ugh
PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2014 3:29 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
Thank you AutumnRose. That was a really helpful way for me to think about it, like, these are feelings and of course I am sad. But I don't have to act on my feelings. That's very true.

Ugh! So last week he was assaulted and was in the hospital. I texted him and asked him if he wanted me to come and if he wanted me to bring him anything. He says, that was too much. I understood. So I later said I could still just come without bringing anything but only if he wanted. (We are separated. Didn't know how to handle things. There was a time legitimately once I should have gone to visit him when he was in the hospital and didn't, so I always go now no matter what until the separation.). He didn't get back to me for HOURS, to where it was really pretty late to take public transit over there and said he didn't expect me to come but that I could. Well tonight when we meet to talk he says he thinks I don't care and why didn't I come and "he called it" that I wouldn't come. OMG. Just venting here, but really. That is why I asked. And then he says it's a problem that I even asked. Because I should have known that I should just come, because he would if it was me, and he didn't answer because he was being obstinate since 'I asked', and why did I even have to ask? And so again it is my fault for not reading his mind. I told him that under normal circumstances I would have come, but that these were not normal circumstances, and I would have understood if he didn't want me to come so I asked. He says, "Well after you asked, I didn't want you to, because you had to ask." Then I said about how he didn't let me know until it was so late to take public transit (no car) and he says, "Well you could have gone over to the neighbor's and asked for a ride. You could have found a way to get there." Really? I'm asking seriously here, am I missing something? Should I have just run over there just because he would? Am I in the wrong here? Or is this another insane manipulation, which is what it feels like to me?


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 Post subject: Re: Ugh
PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2014 3:49 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Quote:
Or is this another insane manipulation, which is what it feels like to me?


Exactly.


Kitten, are you clear on your boundaries? Now might be a good time to review your vision and values. This is something I find so helpful when I am feeling swayed by my emotions, or caught up in what I "should" do. It's not what others (and of all people, certainly not someone who is so far removed from a healthy mindset) might think you should or shouldn't do that matters--it is what you think you should do, given your vision and values. It takes practice, and when we are challenged by our automatic reactive ways, it takes a lot of willpower (and practice).

Be well

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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 Post subject: Re: Ugh
PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2014 4:58 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
Coach Mel,
Thank you for the reply. Here is my question regarding boundaries: I do have them. But when someome doesnt consistently respect them, what are you supposed to do? I supposed ultimatly this is one reason we are now headed for divorce: He has lied too much, etc. Once, he was being very disrespectful during a conversation. I asked him to stop the behavior. He didnt. Not the whole time. We also had a 24 hour rule if he looked at porn. I can count the number of times that happened on two hands. I suppose that is also one of the reasons I am leaving: divorce to me feels like the only way to put an end to the behavior. It feels like the only way the philandering and disrespect will stop. Thoughts on this? Boundaries to people wh8 simply cant rexpect them or dont understand them?


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 Post subject: Re: Ugh
PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2014 5:42 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
There is no way to know what goes on in the mind of another person. Whether he can’t or won’t respect them, or whether he does or doesn't understand them, is moot. The relevant factor is that he doesn’t respect them, evidenced by his consistent behaviour. Divorce does not mean that philandering or disrespect will stop from his end, but it does mean that you are no longer willing to tolerate or be around it. As you have probably learned through this experience, the most effective boundaries are the ones that you can (and will) follow through on, not ones that others must comply with you to fulfill. Divorce is an example of a (pretty clear) enforcement of your boundaries. That said, divorce should never be used as a consequence to boundary violations unless you are 100% prepared and certain that you will follow through should it become necessary, lest you undermine the power of your voice/word. (This is true of any boundaries, really. If you aren’t prepared to follow through, then the consequence isn’t a good one because you will only undermine yourself if you renege at the last minute).

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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 Post subject: Re: Ugh
PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2014 5:39 am 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
Thank you Coach Mel. I have a decently well formed idea of why he won't respect them--he's emotionally abusive at many times, and entitled, and likes to think that the relationship breakdown is as much my fault as it is his (I do know some of it is my fault--but it doesn't excuse his deal breaking behaviors such as flirtations and "dates" with other women!), and because he thinks he can. I really don't know what else would possess him to be like that. I know that those things won't stop on his end, but with a divorce, at least they will stop on mine. That's exactly what I told my mom a few months ago: "If I want this to stop, it's going to have to be me that puts a stop to it by ending the relationship." And she said, "Yes, you're right." He is so upset about it. He wants me to stay. I feel so guilty about doing it. But this is the same man who, several months ago, told one of his little flirty flings that he chatted with that he would "Just as soon be 100% with a divorce--would miss the opportunity to have children, but would be a cool uncle and could get sex when needed" and who actually told my sister's husband on a trip last May that he "didn't think he should have married me because we were too different." Which of course, he told her, and she told me. And yet, this is all my fault for leaving and I'm the one who wants the marriage to be over. He's insane. So it's okay to totally check out and philander and "date" other women, because you're tired of your wife, and tell your BIL that you think you made a mistake marrying her, but you won't actually do the dirty work of ending it? How Passive Aggressive can you be?


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