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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2014 5:08 pm 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 92
He recently posted something about being accused and not trusted even though he is 'not doing anything". Here is the truth about what has been going on, not that he mentioned what I was 'accusing' about:

The past couple weeks I've had that good old more-reliable-than-his-word gut feeling. I asked him several times if there was anything he should be telling me, if he was hiding something. Of course, he said no, but not in a tone that made me feel better. defensively, angrily. I noticed a new looking stack of dvd's in the cdr case. when I asked him he says (getting angry and defensive) that they are not new, he did not recently buy them or place them in the case, apparently they been there forever even though that's one of the things I have always kept track of. He used to save alot of pics on cd, so I did keep track of the cdr case, but no so much in the past 3 months, having decided not to do that anymore. I needed a blank cd and noticed the shiny new stack of dvdr's underneath the cdr's, I noticed right away because the sides are a different color than the cd's. After he had a couple days to think about it he then told me the blank discs found loose, scattered around and he gathered them up and put them in the holder. Then why are they brand new looking, without scratch or mar and all of the same brand? I've never seen him burn a video or hear him talk about doing it, so it was noticable and odd that he even had so many dvdr's.

A few days ago I found that he had put the portable memory card reader in his safe ( the only place I don't have access to). i noticed that it was gone from the desk drawer almost six months ago. I didn't bother to ask. about 3 months ago he showed me the contents of his safe and the card reader was not there. He is unable to account for where the card reader was for the months it was gone from the drawer. He was very angry and defensive and kept insisting he has'nt 'done anything'. I was suspecting then that if he was using the card reader then there would be a memory card I don't know about. I asked about that, more anger and defensiveness, he can't even come up with a reason why he put it in the safe. He also tried to convince me that I had overlooked it in the drawer and it was never missing. I had once overlooked the flashdrive in the cluttered desk drawer and asked him about it when I thought it was missing. He reminded me of that, implying that I had also overlooked the card reader, well the card reader is much bigger, not so easily overlooked.

The next day I found a camera in the basement on the shelf above his workbench behind a standing picture frame. he is not supposed to have a camera I don't know about because of a past problem with inappropriate picture taking (voyeurism). There was no sd card in it and no pictures on the camera memory itself. He was very angry and defensive about that saying that the room hasnt been locked and anybody could have put it there. Behind a picture frame, out of sight. As if somebody is trying to frame him? Granted in this confrontation, I was angry and really lashing out from the get go, so he was also angry and we had the worst fight ever that night.

I am fed up and about to move out permanently. There are just too many odd and inadequately explained things for me to be comfortable. I am giving him one last chance to actually be truthful, to show real recovery work. Maybe a few weeks, I dont' know. But we will be like room-mates, I don't have another place to sleep, so we wil share a bed, but there is a wall dividing it. I believe I have given all I can, waited as long as I can. He started recovery in november, although I never did see alot of proof he was working real hard about it.

He promised months ago to start SA therapy as soon as we get insurance, well we have had insurance for more than a month and I reminded him of it. He said he would immediately, I told him 'don't bother now, if you really wanted it, if you really thought you needed it, you would've sought it out yourself. It's not going to help you anyway if you don't really want it"

Thanks for letting me vent!

I am frustrated, and disappointed but on the upside, I don't feel trapped or hopeless or miserably devastated, just disappointed and eager to get on with the rest of my life.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2014 9:54 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 92
Just in case anybody has any insights on this, I thought I'd invite comments. I'm not looking for anybody to agree with me, I know that boundaries have been crossed, even If I don't have proof as to the extent of it.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 9:31 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 11, 2012 2:02 pm
Posts: 420
It sounds like you have a pretty clear understanding of what is going on. Your gut is far more reliable than his words and if things smell funny, you don't have to find the dead mouse to know there is a dead mouse. One of the important assertions I had to make, for myself as much as for my husband, was that my distrust is a long term consequence of his betrayal. If he wants to stay in a relationship with me after have betrayed me so thoroughly, he is going to have to accept that I am going to trust my gut - right or wrong. If I think he's acting shady, I am going to enforce the consequences for acting shady - whether he agrees that he is acting shady or not. If he wanted me to believe him when he defended himself, he should never have lied to begin with.

Because my boundaries and consequences around about me - maintaining my integrity and emotional stability - and not about punishing him (although he may perceive them to be), I enforce them confidently when I need them. It doesn't matter whether he has admitted to wrong-doing; it matters than I feel the need to protect myself. That is why it is so important for them to be consequences I will enforce - because he cannot be trusted to team up with me on honoring my values, I must be able and willing to honor them with or without his admission/cooperation.

I wish you well in navigating this hurtful situation and in overcoming the doubts you still wrestle with. I advise you to trust your gut and act accordingly - it is the only way off of the roller coaster when you are with an (so far) unreliable partner.
thebagholder


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 11:55 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 92
Thank you very much for the feedback, bagholder. I am not unsure that boundaries have been crossed. Whether it is a slip or relapse or not, I feel he disrespected me and showed the opposite of honesty, transparency and working toward rebuilding trust. I am not unsure of what the immediate consequences are, my reaction is to withdraw physically and emotionally to protect myself. My indecision is more to practicality and econonomic/financial security vs setting myself up for almost certain disappointment and pain as well as being unfair to him. I say uncertain, because I do believe that no matter what a person has done, they can make a good change, improve themselves. I believe in giving a peson the chance, giving multiple chances. It is a value for me. There is a fine line, of course, where accepting abuse/mistreatment begins. There must be a finite number of chances, otherwise this could go on and on.

Right now, my house is about to be foreclosed, I know this. And barring a not so small sum falling into my lap, it will happen soon. The foreclosure notice hasn't arrived yet, but I know it is coming they are already asking for the deed to to be relinquished. When the notice does come, which could be anyday, we will have perhaps a few weeks or so to find a place and move. It is decision time. If I move to a new place with him and then leave, it would be unfair to him after he leased a bigger place than he alone needs. Not to mention furthering my pain and compromising my healing which is not complete.

A few days a go, I decided, and told him I would not be moving with him. I was decided and comfortable with the decision all though not real happy about the only option that left me. I would be moving into my mothers basement, not a great option. Although, for the children, aside from less than ideal living arrangements, they are close to other family and within walking distance of their father(my ex), which is good for them. When I talked to my mother about it, she made a comment about the recovery process taking a long time. As if I was not giving him enough time. This made me doubt my decision.

I now realize that my mother doesn't know all the details, she thinks it's just a little porn, she doesn't know the depth of the betrayal or how complicated the situation is. I really wish I could tell her everything so she understands and perhaps be able to better advise me. To her credit, she rarely advises or states her opinions. So when she does, it holds great weight with me. There have been times when I sought her advice in the past and she still wouldn't share her opinion. She lets us bungle our lives and learn our lessons, as a parent I know how painful but important that is.

Just a little while ago, we were preparing to leave to look at a house. I ws experiencing a growing uneasiness with the idea. I stopped in the middle of putting on my shoes and told him 'I can't do this'. I am being forced into a decision that makes me feel very uncomfortable and feels extremely risky. Not forced by him, but by circumstances. We will be moving, the question is will it be together. I need more time to better understand my thoughts and feelings and perhaps give him more time to progress in recovery but I need a place of more safety and security in the mean time.

I think the best thing for me right now would be to move in to mom's basement, work on my continued healing, seek employment and remain open to contact and discussion with him. He can find himself a place and work on his own recovery and healing. I guess I just found my own answer. Writing stuff out always did help me order my thoughts and figure stuff out.

I am receptive to questions, comment or criticism, let's face it, I need all the help I can get. :? :t:


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 3:22 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
The recovery process does take time, but if he does choose to recover you have from that point forward to make decisions for your relationship at that point. Moving out does not prevent him from moving forward if he chooses recovery. It does set clear boundaries and protects the things that are valuable to you. Separation is not the right choice for everyone, but it sounds like your gut is telling you that it's the right decision from you. I would suggest that you not let a comment from someone who does not have all of the facts, dissuade you from doing what you believe to be the right thing for your family. Is the situation ideal? Clearly not. But sometimes the ideal choice doesn't exist and we have to choose between two less than ideal options. Your original post suggests that he is not in a sincere recovery. Your mother is right that recovery takes time. But if they are not IN recovery, then the amount of time given doesn't matter.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 4:00 pm 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 92
I just realized a major deterant from living separately. We may both lose our medical insurance (obamacare) with such a household change. I have oral surgery coming up later next month, after that more dental work and I havent seen an ortho for a condition I have for 3 years because of lack of insurance. I cannot risk the insurance right now. I'm up the creek without a paddle, apparently. He needs therapy, so do I. I decided to seek out a counselor with SA experience, I just sent her an email. I can't make him do it, but I need my own.

Clearly, I need to do some research and alot of thought and planning before the decision, but I don't have the time. within the next month we should be moved out or moving, wherever it is we end up going. i just asked him if he could stand to share a house with me and have separate rooms, he said he could. With therapy and my own room I probably will do alright too. Strange comment he just made, he said that he knew that this would happen (the separation). I asked him, " Then why didn't you do something to prevent it?"


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