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 Post subject: Just a vent
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 3:25 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
I just need to vent. My H is being ridiculous right now. He JUST told his parents that we were separating. Now of course they are asking all kinds of questions. They keep asking him if he has scriptural grounds. And why, and things of that nature. And you know what? He told me that he wont tell them that "you are the one who is leaving" because he "doesnt want them coming after me and bothering me." Right. The real reason, of course, is reputation control. It annoys me to no end that he is trying to actually, one, blame the breakup on me by saying its my fauklt, and, two, trying to protect himself but say itas all about protecting me. Because we all know that him telling them why would require that he told them about all the womanizing and all the porn, and thats the REAL REASON!!!!!! How annoying!!!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Just a vent
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 6:31 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 10:59 pm
Posts: 76
Location: East coast
Oh Kitten,

My heart goes out to you! I've been there, and it is a horribly frustrating, demeaning, disrespectful situation to be in.

Yes, it is all about protecting his addictions. Even as my h "confessed" his addictions to his family, he blamed me being on chantix (a smoking cessation prescription) as the reason I left. So his family believes I am not in my right mind and they refuse to believe h has addictions ignoring the fact that I was not on chantix when I flagged his behaviors 2years before Dday, nor when I asked for MC, nor when I left, nor when I filed for divorce...

Unfortunately, I have no solution to offer... I haven't found one for myself either other than to remove myself from contact with those who choose to believe him. :t:

Please know you are not alone, and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers


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 Post subject: Re: Just a vent
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 9:59 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Deat kitten,

I am sorry your husband continues to run you through the ringer, but not surprised (unfortunately). Here are some thoughts...take what's useful, if any:

-in the midst OF emotional volatility like this scenario, it's a big challenge to step away mentally and see the big picture. The details and hurt can bog us down. Remind yourself in these moments that clarity and relief will come with a little time and space.

-i might ask myself if my soon-to-be ex in laws' feedback and communication hold any value for me. I might explore whether old engrained messages about parental figures, etc color my emotions and reactions. I would do this to help me grow, and reevaluate my values in context.

-because family of origin often plays a significant role in propagating unhealthy behaviors, it's entirely possible that even if they learn or know about the porn, etc later, they will get on the excuse and justification bandwagon. He is their son, and they may be inclined to whitewash this as self protection.

As for your husband, he's still in denial and in protection mode. His story to his family allows him to maintain, internally, a fantasy world. As much as his actions hurt you now, they continue to reinforce an unhealthy and dissociated life for him.

Know you have chosen a long term path for yourself that builds a balanced, healthy life with integrity.

meep


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 Post subject: Re: Just a vent
PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2014 4:36 am 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
Thanks for the replies. It's expected, yes, anything at all to protect his precious "reputation." But it's sure annoying. He hasn't told them anything bad about me, but he hasn't told them the truth as to what's happening either. Yesterday he sent me some text saying that "since I'm not willing to disclose the details, or that you are leaving not the other way around, the abuse (his parents sending obnoxious messages) will continue." Don't you like how he twisted that one around so it's my fault again? Nice, right? So since he's being so nice by "protecting me" and not telling his parents that I am the one leaving (in large part due to sexual weirdness he introduced into the relationship, a fact he conveniently seems to constantly forget when he blames me for being the one not willing to work on it anymore!!!), then it's my fault they will continue to badger him for details and he'll just have to put up with it. Right. Because if he did tell them details, well, that would not reflect well on him and that's the real reason he's avoiding all of those questions. So he continues to do this crap.

I am personally planning on talking to his godfather, who is also a pastor, when I get back to the states. He is also ignoring all messages from him, or giving him nicey nice answers that are not truthful such as, "This is where we are and what we have decided" and ignoring his direct question about "on what grounds are you doing this." I think the man deserves to know the situation, or at least that I have been told by many people that I do have grounds and that it is me that is leaving and filing, and at least a few of the reasons why, seeing as he and my grandfather were the officiators at our wedding. I don't think it's fair to him to just have H ignore him, and be deceitful with him. His parents, I will leave up to him, as they are quite an unhealthy FOO, but the godfather I am going to tell what has been going on. I'm not planning on telling H that, though.


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 Post subject: Re: Just a vent
PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2014 9:12 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Quote:
It annoys me to no end that he is trying to actually, one, blame the breakup on me by saying its my fauklt, and, two, trying to protect himself but say itas all about protecting me.
This is a very good example of gas lighting. (See gas lighting conversation, here: viewtopic.php?f=22&t=22870 )

I am very sorry you are dealing with this, Kitten. meepmeep has posed some excellent points for consideration. Also, what do your values tell you to do? What is your ultimate goal (i.e. vision)? What are your options (you have already considered some) and how do these filter through? Is it possible that you are reacting, or are you clear you are acting/being proactive to protect and live according to your values? To be clear, I am not calling your choices into question, because they are yours to make. Just providing more food for thought.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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 Post subject: Re: Just a vent
PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2014 12:01 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Hi kitten,
I know that this has been a long and hard road for you, and his way of coping is frustrating. Vent away.
Quote:
Because if he did tell them details, well, that would not reflect well on him and that's the real reason he's avoiding all of those questions. So he continues to do this crap.
Yes. This is it in a nutshell. From my perspective, it's classic SA. He needs to protect his image but he's telling himself that he is protecting you. His own skewed perceptions validate his irrational thinking. He's in total denial. You can't expect the truth from him any time soon.
Quote:
I am personally planning on talking to his godfather, who is also a pastor, when I get back to the states.
Be clear with yourself about why you feel the need to do this. I recall wanting to shout the truth from the rooftops about my H's behavior and his on-going deceit. I was very angry that he was perceived as such a "good guy" when in reality, to me, he was quite the opposite. I blurted out the truth to my H's cousin one day when she continued to gush about our wonderful relationship. Did I feel any better afterwards? No. I empathize with you and understand your need to be heard. My only advice is to be honest with yourself about your motivation knowing that you have every right to feel angry with how he is manipulating the truth to protect himself. Talking with the pastor who officiated at the wedding may be very cathartic for you. However, don't have any expectations from him. Your goal is to be true your own values and the vision you have for a healthy life regardless of his take on your situation. You know what you know. He doesn't.

Hope this helps. :w:

Nellie James


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 Post subject: Re: Just a vent
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 4:50 am 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
Hi Nellie and CoachMel, and others who replied earlier:

Thank you for the replies. I finally have a proper keyboard on my tablet so I can type more of a 'real' response, since the movers packed my desktop and it will be awhile until I see that again! The keyboard arrived at my parent's where I am staying until I find employment and I love it! :)

As far as my motivations for telling his godfather. That's a good question, and I need to think about why. It isn't to make him look like the 'bad guy', that is true. He told me the night before I left that he realized that he has been abusive and that is the reason he is going to give to his godfather when he talks to him. Even that seems to me to be a bit of a lie. While he has sometimes been emotionally abusive, he has also had the significant problem with the PA and the flirtations/philandering with other women, which for me is of course a big problem and is the reason I am leaving. It seemed a bit fishy to me that he realized the day before I left that suddenly he knows he was abusive, and much of me wonders if it isn't a ploy to make me feel guilty to stay instead of a 'real' self-awareness issue. And it's not to paint me as the 'goog guy' either, because he hasn't told him anything bad about me and he isn't going to. I think I just feel that it's not honest, and I am a little tired of lying or omitting to protect him. M was direct in his questions to him. I wasn't going to tell him details, just inform him that I have been advised that I was advised by several people that I did have a scriptural reason, that it was me choosing this path (right now they think he just woke up one day and decided to leave me, and I think they think that this was not my choice but his), and that if he would like any more information he could follow up with H.


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 Post subject: Re: Just a vent
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 9:12 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Scriptural reasons are important to you as is honesty - important elements of your value system. Good.

As far as your H experiencing "real self awareness," probably not. Even if it is a ploy, it's his to deal with. From my perspective, SA behaviors all come under the umbrella of emotional abuse regardless if it's the pornography, womanizing, the lying and manipulation...the whole package is abusive.

I wish you well as you continue your journey. :w:

Nellie


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 Post subject: Re: Just a vent
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 5:34 am 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
Thank you, Nellie.

I have been feeling guilty lately for being the one to leave, even though intellectually I know it was probably the correct choice as I do not think DH is going to change while he is still in denial. I just don't get it. Why is he like that?!? Ugh.

Yes, those things are important to me. It upsets me that he expects me to lie for him by simply continuing to lie along with him to his parents and his godfather. I just feel that he should at least know the basics. He doesn't have to know details, of course; that is up to H. But Ifeel strongly that he has to know something. It just doesn't seem right.

I agree that the whole package is abusive. That's absolutely true. He does do other things that are abusive too though; they are not limited to the pornography and womanizing. His father is a big time abuser, and he learned that those behaviors were acceptable at an early age. While I felt slightly comforted by his recognition, I also know that those patterns can take YEARS to change--and that is only if the person is 100% sincere and willing to do the work at all costs. I don't necessairily see that with him, so I do not think necessairily anything would change.


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 Post subject: Re: Just a vent
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 8:47 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Feeling guilty may be an insight - a personal awareness of something that is an obstacle for you - no need to dig down deeply at this point to discover why but just acknowledge that tendency is there and work to change it. You are right to honor your own values and if guilt gets in the way a bit you can look in the mirror and tell yourself that none of this is your fault - none of it. I'm serious, practice telling yourself that none of this is your fault - your brain and heart will listen - it takes practice, practice, practice. :w:

His recovery is up to him - I know that you know that. You can leave with love in your heart with the hope that he will find the strength within himself to want to become healthy and do the work it will take to achieve that.

Hope this helps.

Nellie


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 Post subject: Re: Just a vent
PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2014 12:06 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
Ugh! So annoyed. Boy just really doesn't like it when I won't do shady things he suggests. He really doesn't like the word no. It irritates me.


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