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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:05 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 22, 2013 10:32 am
Posts: 8
Hi, I haven't been here in a long time, even though I'm still in the same relationship and nothing's changed. For the past 7 years, I've gone back and forth between sorrow and grief and anger and numbness so many times I've lost track. Today, I'm sad... and I'm numb. Can I be both at once?

I just feel like an ostrich with her head stuck in the sand. I know what he's doing, I know he's completely unrepentant and won't stop (how many times does he have to tell me?), I get hurt by him pretty much daily (even if he doesn't intend to hurt me, I don't trust him any more.) I have had four therapists tell me (in the round-about way they can) that he's not going to change, this is hurting me, and I should separate myself from it. Every one of my family members/ friends who knows what's happening tells me to run. Yet still I've stayed. And I didn't come here and I didn't go to S-Anon for so long, even though I did go to one S-Anon meeting 3 years ago, bought all the materials and was all into it, and then convinced myself I didn't need to think about it so much... like it will go away, right? It doesn't go away... and I'm thinking of going back.

It's gotten to the point where I now feel repulsed by him. He says he's not repulsed by me... I don't believe him. He criticizes my body and that I don't exercise more regularly, then argues that he only does it 'every couple of months'. I guess I should be happy that at least he doesn't overtly attack me out of the blue about how I "must not want to" like he used to; he did it often. Now he just says things like "maybe you can't do it, hon" or "maybe this is just too hard for you" feigning care and concern, but when I agree and say I'm going to leave, he does something to suck me back in (he's kinder, whatever he can to "normalize" our relationship and make it seem like the best option to stay.)

He hasn't he made love to me ONCE in the entire time we've been together. He won't look at me naked. He tells me asking him to like me as I am is like asking someone who loves vanilla to suddenly like chocolate! When I've told him I have those parts (that he loves to look at), he said "yeah, but they're not in the same condition"! He was completely straight-faced when he said it. He thinks he's right and I'm wrong. And oh, things could be so much better if I'd change and become what "turns him on."

I'm the first to admit, I've made mistakes. I started losing weight in the beginning, then gained it all back again because I could not stand the sorrow of being told I wasn't his "type", would be invisible if he passed me on the street, maybe if we'd stop fighting he could get over how highly visual he is and my personality would take over and he could do it! He even said I should be glad he's having any s*x at all!!!!

I eat because I'm stressed, I make bad choices. It's the only comfort I've had in years. He sleeps downstairs, I sleep upstairs. We've been that way for over 2 years. We see each other like ships in the night mostly, and I do what I can to be civil and pleasant -- he claims he's bending over backwards and walking on eggshells with me. And all I can feel is that nothing I do or say has any impact on him. I cry, nothing. I tell him it hurts me that he won't touch me but fantasizes over them... "that again!?" he says.

Anyways, I'm back and I'm going to do the partners workshop as I have time. And I'm leaving him as soon as I can -- by fall, I hope. I have to because he's told me he's not going to stop looking and M and that's the end of it. When I do leave, I know the comfort of food will go away for me as it has in the past and I'll finally be able to breathe again. Until I leave, I'm still in limbo, drifting back and forth in these emotions that sometimes overpower me so I can barely move. But I always come through it... and I know I'll come through this too.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 10:43 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Amber,
I am happy to see you back in the RN community and that you are re-starting your lessons. :g:
Quote:
Until I leave, I'm still in limbo, drifting back and forth in these emotions that sometimes overpower me so I can barely move. But I always come through it... and I know I'll come through this too.
Build on this insight - that your emotions overpower you. It will take mindfulness on your part, but begin combating that emotional reaction with your own set of things to do, songs to sing, mantras to say that will honor you and the vision you have for your life. It may sound too simple, but it works to practice changing your own mindset/emotional reaction by taking action. I had a song I used to sing to begin the process for me: "Accentuate the Positive." Our minds are flexible, we can change our own emotional reactions with practice, practice, practice. And, of course, do the lessons taking time to really take in what you are learning. Remember the workshop is set up as a continuum with each lessons building on the previous ones.

Welcome back.

Nellie


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2014 10:11 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Quote:
I have had four therapists tell me (in the round-about way they can) that he's not going to change, this is hurting me, and I should separate myself from it. Every one of my family members/ friends who knows what's happening tells me to run. Yet still I've stayed.
This is only because you hadn't hit your own bottom line. You were not ready, and that is ok.

Quote:
then convinced myself I didn't need to think about it so much... like it will go away, right? It doesn't go away... and I'm thinking of going back.
No, it won’t go away on it’s own. The only thing this does is undermine your connection to yourself, to your values, and creates dissonance within you that needs to be healed. I am glad you are back, and I am glad you are formulating a values based plan! As Nellie indicated, the lessons take time, practice, and they cumulate and work together to form a comprehensive plan for taking ownership of your life.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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