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 Post subject: First day back at work
PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 10:25 am 
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Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2014 9:24 am
Posts: 25
Today is my first day back at work after having some medical treatments. My husband has recently started doing the recovery workshop, but has only done a few lessons. Last night he told me he was worried that me not being home this afternoon would be a struggle for him. It is his "normal" time when he would view porn and masturbate before I got home. I have to admit I had been worrying about it, but didn't voice my worry, thinking it was his struggle and not mine. I am trying to stay out of his recovery as much as possible, (although I still struggle with checking up on him) but I am always available if he wants to talk. Talking is very hard for him, but we have had a few very good productive talks. He is not ready to open up completely, but is trying to take baby steps. I am happy with that. Just admitting he is worried is a step in the right direction? He asked me to take my computer to work with me and he will leave his at work. I am hoping for his continued progress. How common is this type of situation and will it continue until he manages to get some of his foundation stronger? It is a hard journey and a scary one, but I am hopeful.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 11:24 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 12:41 pm
Posts: 95
Hey Sunnier,
Glad you're back at work. I feel good when I'm at work...I feel like it is the place where my life is still normal and healthy, and I have a modicum of control over my environment. I feel like it is the place where I am doing my best and have confidence in myself and my actions, regardless of other people's actions. It is the way I want to feel at home and I use it as a template for my personal life. My wish for you is that you can gain benefit from your job, too.
And it feels good to hear that you and your H are working at this - that he is being open about his struggle. It gives hope to this crazy life we all lead.

Your post makes me feel hopeful. Thank you for sharing.

Delores


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 8:43 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hi ladies,

Yes, admitting he is scared is a good sign...if it's sincere. I don't want to give false hope, and I don't want to dash hope, either. The reality is that what it really means is entirely up to him. He could be sincere, he could be veiling a confession (i.e. telling you he is scared that he'll act out when he has actually been acting out). Again, only he knows. It is not an easy place to be, for sure. This is the most difficult thing as a partner--he knows what is going on and you don't. You have to choose to trust the process, or not. And, if you choose to trust the process, you must do so without attachment. In other words, realize that there are no guarantees. This, unfortunately, is the only guarantee. I remember a long time ago, asking for advice on "what to do" and Coach Jon replied "it depends" and basically informed me that it boiled down to how much I trust myself --to follow my vision, to trust my own judgement, to protect my values and boundaries, etc. Short answer: admitting he is scared is a good thing. But there are too many other factors that we know nothing about, that you might know something about, and he definitely knows something about. Best case scenario is that he is being sincere, and is working hard at being transparent and forthcoming. Worst case scenario is that he is manipulating and using recovery to control his environment. Most likely, he is somewhere in between. The best thing you can do is determine where your boundaries are. The workshop will guide you through the process.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2014 12:26 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Hi Sunnier,
If your H is early in recovery and just beginning the RN workshop, it's a bit hard to determine his sincerity or honesty. His seeming to be open with you could be totally legitimate. You know him best so try to trust your gut on this. I recall how my H worried about being around our son's female roommate when we visited there - he actually felt it was unfair for our son to have a young roommate - very skewed thinking. He was concerned that he couldn't stop ogling young girls which was a huge struggle for him for months following D Day. He didn't seem to miss his other SA activities, but was fearful about young women in his presence. That was the only thing that he was truly open about once he was honest with himself. It was just one tiny piece of the puzzle, however, in the big scheme of his addiction. He, too, had a hard time talking about his choices, his rituals, his double life....I had to learn to let it go and focus just on me. Not being the detective....took me a while. My gut told me the truth - I just had to listen. :w:

I'm sharing this with you because you are absolutely right to turn his recovery, his struggle over to him. Believe what he does, not what he says at this point. Learn to trust your gut. He will have to work hard doing the work the lessons require of him. His process will be unique to him so there is no way to predict how long it will take until he can manage himself in healthy ways according to the values and vision he will determine for himself by doing the lessons - and even then there are no guarantees.
Quote:
Today is my first day back at work after having some medical treatments.
Good for you. I agree that returning to a stable environment helps along with living your vision actively. I also found that finding my joy in all the little things in life gave me great comfort. What gives you joy? I'm serious....it works.

Hope this helps. :w:
Nellie James


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2014 12:46 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2014 9:24 am
Posts: 25
Thank you for your replies. We made it through the week with only one disruption. I will be thankful for that.

I would have to say that my grandchildren give me unconditional joy. I have made an effort to see them a lot the last couple of weeks. They lift me up like no other thing. Their innocence and their uninhibited love is a wondrous thing to observe and receive.

Gardening is another joy for me. Both flowers and veggies. I am just getting my energy back after the radiation treatments and I am finally getting to spend some time there. It calms me and centers me like nothing else.

Work gives me a very social outlet. I am a hairstylist and I talk all day long with different types of people. I really missed the social end of my job while I have been out of work. My life has been chaotic since my diagnosis in Feb. I had this whole addiction thing come crashing down on me in the middle of it all. It was hard to have any energy to try to even talk to him for quite a few weeks. I am gaining strength in my body as well as my spirit, and know that I will follow my instincts to the end, which ever way it turns out. I am determined to finish my lessons. He, however is reading, but according to him hasn't done any of the lessons....sigh. It will play out as it will.
t


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2014 12:58 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Quote:
am gaining strength in my body as well as my spirit, and know that I will follow my instincts to the end, which ever way it turns out. I am determined to finish my lessons.
:g:
Quote:
He, however is reading, but according to him hasn't done any of the lessons....sigh. It will play out as it will.
Yes, he will either do the work or he won't. It's up to him. Nonetheless, you do value his health as your life partner and you can tell him that it is important to you to see him doing the work, not just reading about it. Even though it is his choice, sometimes we just need to be heard, not with an emotional reaction but by honoring our values. I don't feel that this is managing his recovery - in fact a very wise coach gave me this advice early on in my own healing process when my H was in lessons limbo. :w: I had a conversation with my H to this end being very clear that this was a matter of value, not control.

Something to consider if you feel the need.

Nellie


















Post Posted: 06 Jul 2014 17:46


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