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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 3:45 pm 
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Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2014 5:45 pm
Posts: 45
Hi All,

My partner does not understand why I feel "unsafe". He has never been a physical threat and he is not emotionally abusive. He was neglectful and he lost empathy due to his addiction. I want to try to write out why I feel unsafe but its hard to explain. Does anyone have any thoughts about this? Here are mine:

I feel unsafe because I was at high risk of STD's when my husband has sex with prostitutes. Additionally, I still feel unsafe because herpes and/or cervical cancer could show up later.

I feel unsafe financially b/c my partner spent $30,000 dollars and it made me feel like he could sneak money any time.

I feel unsafe emotionally b/c I was trying to "fix" our sex life and I almost feel like he would have been mocking me in his addict mind.

I feel unsafe b/c an addict is never "cured".

I feel unsafe b/c we had been through the book of "100 marriage questions" and I thought I was making a good choice about a partner but I didn't and I feel I can't trust myself.

I feel unsafe b/c I know I was most likely compared unfavorably to the girls or porn and prostitutes and that I will never measure up. He even stated he has to fight to keep those images out of his mind.

I feel unsafe b/c this incident has made me question everything I ever thought i knew about my past. For example, my dad has some sexual addiction components.

I feel unsafe b/c I have had incidents of sexual assault/ rape in my past and it feels like I will never get past those or somehow I'm going to be with creepy men for the rest of my life.

I feel unsafe b/c now I wonder if every guy on the street has just rubbed one out to some disgusting image.

I feel unsafe b/c I feel like I am going to age alone if I am not pretty or sexual enough.

I feel unsafe b/c I don't know what emotions are coming at me and when. It feel like a surprise….like a bad surprise.

I feel unsafe b/c at every outing I have no idea what he is thinking about the young women surrounding him.

I feel unsafe b/c I have no "family" either family of origin or my husband… I do have my 2 kids.

I feel unsafe b/c essentially my husband was a sexual predator who used class and money to exploit women. Prostitution is never consensual and the average age of entry into prostitution is age 12.


I just wake up every day thinking that it really doesn't matter what I do because its not going to matter. It you give a lot to a person or a cause you could receive nothing in return or even worse. This has made me feel alone on the planet. It makes me feel like a speck of dust.


Last edited by liveauthentic on Mon Jul 21, 2014 4:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 4:45 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
I'm so sorry that you experienced all of this, and that your partner is not empathetic to your loss. As you go through the workshop, you should regain the tools to help you feel safe again. I now feel safe both as an individual and in my relationship, so that feeling of being at risk can heal and change. However, here are my additions based on how I felt at a different point in my life.

I felt unsafe because I could not know if my partner touching me was an authentic communication of affection, or made with the intention to take something from me or manipulate me in some way.

I felt unsafe because my partner had proved that he made decisions based on what he wanted in the moment, not one what was best for our family. So I never knew what important thing he would sacrifice in pursuit of feeling good in the moment.

I felt unsafe because my partner had shown a willingness to sexually harass and assault me.

As I put up more effective boundaries, and as I become more courageous and willing to enforce those boundaries, my feelings of safety increased dramatically. You will have the same experience. There are better days ahead! Be Well!
Mrs. Jones


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 7:55 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 7:32 pm
Posts: 44
Well addicts are emotionally abusive, it is emotional abuse so I would also feel unsafe because I am scared of more emotional abuse. He lied, deceived, disrespected, neglected etc and that is emotional abuse.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2014 7:10 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:20 pm
Posts: 1422
my dear liveauthentic,

Quote:
This has made me feel alone on the planet. It makes me feel like a speck of dust.


YOU ARE NOT A SPECK OF DUST. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. YOU ARE SPECIAL AND UNIQUE, REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOUR PARTNER DOES OR DOES NOT DO. YOU MATTER.

i was first attracted to c because of the facade of honesty and safety that he presented to me and the world. i believed in that facade for many, many years. i always felt so very safe with him. i thought this was a man who would always have my back and never do anything to hurt me. sigh. in a matter of seconds, that was all wiped out for me. i can certainly relate to your feelings about your loss of safety and his inability to understand. i don't believe addicts can understand until or unless they first face themselves. sigh.

know that you are not alone. many of us here have experienced this lack of safety and understanding. we get it. i'm so sorry you have to experience this, but so glad you shared. you will find understanding and support here. in time you will find your safety again with or without your partner. As you make this journey you will reconnect with what makes you truly special and unique. you will rediscover that you are important. as our dear nellie says, give yourself the gift of patience. life will get much, much better.

i am holding you in my heart and in the light.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2014 11:14 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
I really like this idea. It helps me to spell out exactly why and when I felt unsafe as I thought about it

I felt unsafe on the subway, as I would scan the other riders and see who might be "your type"

I felt unsafe when other women were scantily clad because I felt you were comparing their bodies to mine

I felt unsafe when I came home and you were spending hours on the computer

I felt unsafe when I separated from you, wondering why your life "was getting better" so quickly (another chic, perhaps?)

I felt unsafe arguing with you because arguments were so convoluted and Wierd
an I felt crazy at he end of them

I felt unsafe when I went on trips and suspected you were hanging out with one of your "friends" (you were)


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2014 9:41 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Sep 16, 2013 3:22 pm
Posts: 124
You say you've lost your safety definition because it's hard to explain. In fact, you've explained it quite clearly and logically, in a way that I, and obviously many here, can absolutely relate to and add to.

One of the things that I'm coming to realize is that I am a rational person dealing with a very smart person who can rationally argue counterpoints that make sense and that make me question not just my rationality, but also my own gut instinct.

If you are feeling unsafe, listen to that and honor it. It helps to write it out, but know that you don't need to. Feeling it is enough.

Finally, you are not a speck of dust to those two children. You are the world. Hold onto that and model for them being the kind of person you want them to be. Take the advice you would give to them.


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