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 Post subject: anger, jeaousy, etc.
PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2014 10:31 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
Just wanted to post a little. Have some questions related to these things.

First, do any of you deal with jealousy in your family? I feel so petty admitting this but I am really jealous right now of my sister. She is four years younger. She has this fantastic husband with boatloads of money and she just quit her job in anticipation of getting pregnant/starting a family. This hit me SO HARD. I was having a rough week (I have left H and gone back to the states) and when my mom told me that she was planning on trying, it just made me so jealous. I have been crying for three days. Part of it is the realization that I may very well have given up the opportunity of having children in my life by leaving H--even though I know that H and children and his addiction would have been a disaster and ultimately left me a single mother anyway--but I am 31 and the divorce won't be finalized for almost another year. That puts me at 32 and recently divorced. Obviously, I am not just going to jump into bed with someone just to get pregnant, nor am I going to rush a relationship, or marriage, again until I have dated for some time--which means the earlisest Isee myself even attempting to have children--and this is assuming I even feel like or want to pursue marriage again--would be my late 30s. I feel that clock ticking. Do I even want to have children then? Would I be too old? What man is going to want to start a family at that late age anyway? I'm such a mess right now with all the emotions and this just really put me over the top. I don't know how to handle my feelings. I felt myself absolutely blindsided with serious anger towards H, anger toward her seemingly perfect life which has everything mine does not right now--a loving, kind husband who has not cheated on her (and wouldn't), the possibitliy of children (above), tons of money (I'm nearly broke) and she just voluntarily quit her job (I'm trying hopelessly to find one). I just don't understand that. I probably sound five here but it seems so fundamentally unfair. And also, anger with myself which brings me to #2

#2--How do you deal with the lost years? It absolutely, postively insences me that I spent seven years with this person--seven of my best, most energetic, most fertile, most youngish, years, with this man. It feels like an absolute waste to me, a total black hole. A black hole where our marriage went to die slowly. I wish to all things that I had left him the first time. Why did I spend six more years on him when he was sexting another woman less than six months into our marriage? WHY DID I DO THAT? I'm so angry at myself. Like, wanting to punch a hole in the wall, angry. What a waste. I also just found that my H re-friended one of his "friendly friends" on FB a week after I left him. All through our marriage, he had her blocked on FB after she wouldn't stop friending him and told me he "didn't want anything to do with her," that he "had blocked her because she wouldn't stop asking to be friends," etc. Etc. ARE YOU !@@#$%% KIDDING ME? So what, that was all for me because I asked, but he didn't actually think he shouldn't be friends with her at all so that as soon as I leave him, he makes a re-acquaintance? Are you frieking serious?

Thanks for listening. I know some of this sounds petty probably but I'm really a mess and if anyone has been in similar feelings, I would love to know how you got them under control. All Iwant to do right now is cry. I'm so so friggin angry.


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 Post subject: Re: anger, jeaousy, etc.
PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 12:30 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
Dear Kitten35,

Your post really pushed my buttons ... these days many things seem to push my buttons on this forum... I'm 33 and a half, never had any kids or fell pregnant. About two years ago I met my H. He had had 2 kids with his ex-wife and waiting the third with ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I know ... it should have been obvious this man has issues but I lacked knowledge of SA. I thought people are rational and I believed his stories of how the women had been the problems, him being the victim ... Yeah, I know, don't tell me... We made a pact ... I'm to live my own country and everything I've ever had and possessed and known, including the job that I liked and the financial independence, to come to another continent, take care of him and his kids (living with us), have no legal status, no recognisable or useful qualification, no independance. Luckily I could speak the language so I wasn't all handicapped ... All this for his promise to raise a happy family and to give me at least one child, plus supporting me as I have to go to university all over again (I already have an honours but it doesn't help much). I made it specifically clear my clock is ticking and I really want a child. I told him repeatedly he must not waste my time cause time is the only thing that I do not have. Yeah, and for what? He would have promised the moon even though he knew he didn't have a ladder to reach it (not that the ladder would have helped). He knew about his problem even though never called it addiction ... It was only later that I'd come to understand our marriage had been his acting out ...

So Dday came and I felt so betrayed. I had given my all ... literally ... and he didn't appreciate or care. Of course having a child became out of the question. The most traumatising thing he has ever done to me was to try to persuade me to fall pregnant (when we got married I said I want to wait one year to see how we do as a couple and me being a stepmom ... Dday was after 10 months) while he was frantically looking for anonymous hook-ups in our area ... luckily or not all of them turned him down (or so the story goes) but he really really tried and he was busy with this desperate search for months ... I feel I've been permanently damaged. Nowadays he tries recovery and things do get hopeful from time to time and he timidly tries to hint to us having a child together some day but my stomach turns as soon as I hear him say it.

We are still together, I know that if he fails I will walk out and I will not lose only my studies, the stepkids, him, but most importantly, my time. The child I've never had I consider lost already if I'm to be with him ... What helped me: I took some time to understand why I want a child, what values of mine I activate ... and I saw that one main reason is that I wanted to be the mom that I've never had (I love my mom and we are close but this is all she knew/could do ... take care of our biological needs, instead of focusing on emotional ones). This realisation helped me see that being a mom was about me, not about my child so it sounded selfish. I realised that I want to be a mom so I can become the most I can become, not really for the child's sake. That sounded like I would use this child to feel better about myself in areas where I might have failed in my life (e.g. maybe a man's love is not smth I can be sure of but I will always have my child's love or ... a child never leaves you or ... I will be unique to another human being). I wanted to experience unconditional love, to be kind, to leave smth behind, to teach him/her ... all these reasons are about me. I don't know if this is convincing myself that the cake I cannot have is really not that tasty (I've recently come to understand that I have a long self-deprivation history and this is one of the mechanisms I used) ... but meditating on the reasons why I've always wanted a child helped me stop (almost) wishing for one ...

However, I do experience jealousy. I don't know if it's jealousy or just traumatic reaction around pregnant women. I keep away from them. The wound is deep and still bleeding so I am gentle with myself. I do not feel strong enough to face them ... I cannot empathise with their joy and excitment. For me it's like a knife in my heart and it's a battle not to hate my H. Actually, I get better at not hating him as I've long accepted who he is ... what I'm having problems with is letting go of my dreams.

Anyways, I see you do not want a child at any cost so we do have that in common. I've always said I want a child when I am in a partnership with someone that makes a good H and a good father. I guess it was my way of balancing my own selfishness ... making sure the child has a good/healthy start in life ... Maybe you could assess deeper these things ... see what values you reinforce when you feel that you cannot just go and have a baby no matter what. Also, you might look into what values of yours kept you for so long with your H. I believe your values will show you the way out of this emotionally difficult situation and they will help you heal the wounds. You did what you could according to your values, you honoured yourself by staying, then by leaving. You will find a way to make peace with yourself, with your decisions, as they've been made on your values, on who you are deep inside. Try to remember life is a journey. Do not despair if you cannot stop at every spring ... you will find others ... The secret I've discovered that makes me more peaceful is that if I don't have my own child, I'm going to find other ways to fulfil those needs and values so in the end even if it's not really the same, I will have become the best of what I can be considering the exterior limits of my life.

Just know you are not alone in this and what you feel is justified. You are human and envy, regret, sadness are valid human emotions. As always, fall on your values in these dark moments to guide you towards your inner power, joy and peace. You are valuable as you are, you don't need anything else ... H or child or job ... to vouch for that. Wherever you go, whatever you do, whatever you have or you don't, your value will shine through and you will leave your mark. Or at least this is what I tell myself ...

Mrs.Jones' creepy internet hugs to you ... lots of them ...

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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 Post subject: Re: anger, jeaousy, etc.
PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 1:06 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Hi Kitten,
When my H and I were first doing RN, an old boyfriend of mine died quite suddenly. He was four years older than I, and at one point had wanted to marry me. I broke his heart and married someone else. After 20 years of marriage, I divorced my first husband. I then fell in love with my present H and thought he was the man of my dreams - a really good guy. When I attended the funeral of my old boyfriend, the church was packed because he had been a genuine good guy who was loved and admired by an entire community. I sat in the church feeling so cheated by life. I thought I had chosen a good guy who would never hurt me. I struggled for days with my regrets, my anger, my feeling that life had been so unfair. I share this with you because I feel that what we have experienced is unfair. It's the ultimate betrayal. We are angry about the lies we lived with and the behavior we indulged. It's hard for us to believe if anything was good or real about our relationships or marriages. In my case, my H lied to me for years about being impotent, and I felt sorry for him. I was no spring chicken and was very angry at his disregard for my need for an intimate relationship with my life partner when I found him out. It, too, sounds, petty, but I found it very selfish and hurtful. It was selfish and hurtful. I couldn't take back those lost years. I was too old to start over. I felt trapped.

Part of our healing, yours and mine, is about making peace with what we have lost to the extent that we can change our focus so we can build new lives based on the visions and values we have determined for ourselves. It's not easy. It will take work and building upon the insights and values that you have. Be patient with yourself. It's OK to mourn your loss, but take time to love yourself, too. Take one day at a time.

Nellie James


Last edited by nellie james on Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: anger, jeaousy, etc.
PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 4:29 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
It's been 10 months since Dday. I've never allowed myself to face the trauma of knowing that my H was compulsively looking for hook-ups while playfully referring to the child we were planning to have as J (the name I've chosen and that was so dear to me).

Soon after Dday I was able to articulate very vividly the pain and the suffering his betrayal caused me as a woman. However, up until now I haven't been able to express to him what the damage has been as a mother.

For some time now I've been able to laugh and joke about his cheating on me (one of my greatest coping mechanisms) but my face is a grimace when I hear someone is pregnant or someone asks me innocently how come we don't have any kids together yet ...

For maybe 2 months or more now I've stopped crying (I'm sure this achievement should go into the Guinness Book of Records for SA partners) but today I've cried.

Thank you, Kitten, for having the bravery to face your feelings and making me face mine as well. Feels like looking at your wound while you are still bleeding, no help or anesthesia, trying to figure out what kind of shape the object was to cause so much damage. I think I've started figuring it out and I will also have to explain to my H soon enough ... I know there is no other way to complete healing ... facing and coming to terms ... I'm still very far on this one but I'll take Nellie's advice and take one day at the time.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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 Post subject: Re: anger, jeaousy, etc.
PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 10:21 am 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
Thank you for sharing your stories ladies. I know that there is no real way "around" things but it really sucks at times. I think it will be a long time before I am able to look at things and think, "Yes they are okay, I am at peace with these things." I am not. I am vehemently angry about them. And finding it hard to forgive myself for staying even though that fits my values. But now it just seems like such a waste of past time and now probable future time too. I think it will be a long time before that feeling goes away. Is that normal?


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 Post subject: Re: anger, jeaousy, etc.
PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 10:33 am 
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Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
It's a process. We each approach it differently, but the good news is that you are aware of your anger, and the next step is facing it head on and figure out how to deal with it in healthy ways. Stay in touch with your anger, acknowledge it, and know it's OK to feel angry - it's what you do with it that matters.
Quote:
And finding it hard to forgive myself for staying even though that fits my values
Big conflict for you. Don't beat yourself up over it. Don't sacrifice yourself to it. Again - take one day at a time. Beat on a pillow and cry when you feel you need to do that but don't stay there too long. Making peace is different for each of us and doesn't mean we forget and forgive....we don't forget but memories do fade. Forgiveness....well....begin with yourself.

My heart is with you.
Nellie


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