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PostPosted: Wed Aug 13, 2014 3:23 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
I have reached a place in my own recovery where I would like to compose an impact letter for my partner. However, I am not sure if the timing is right.

I have known about his addiction/problematic behavior since the end of 2012.

His commitment to recovery is hard for me to gauge. He has only recently started seeing a therapist who specializes in this area and attending a men's group, although he does not do so regularly.

I believe he recognizes that he has a problem, and I have seen some improvement, but I know that he is not yet "healthy."

I don't want to do anything to derail him -- and I understand that his recovery has to take place on his own timeline. On the other hand, it's been a year and a half for me and I really am trying to move on with my life.

I am not expecting any sort of response from him. I just want to say my peace.

I know that impact letters are usually used as a therapeutic approach and delivered in the presence of a professional as part of a relationship trust re-building exercise -- however, I seriously doubt that we will reach a place anytime soon where we can sit together in a therapist's office to discuss this.

I have asked over and over again for us to approach this as a team, and although he's actually agreed to that, each time his therapist tries to set up a time, he finds an excuse.

I have been waiting for over a month.

I suppose I could tell him that I am going ahead with preparing an impact letter since we haven't been able to meet with the therapist to discuss it? I don't want to blindside him.

I am truly trying to figure out what is best here for both of us but I guess what I'm asking is: at what point should I do what I need to do to heal regardless of how it affects him and his recovery?


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2014 6:08 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: UK
hello SP
you should do what is best for you
but why a letter
talking , even when it end up in shouting is so much the better

Quote:
I believe he recognizes that he has a problem, and I have seen some improvement, but I know that he is not yet "healthy."

if you have seen improvement then he has recognised , identified and started to address his life issues, it however does take time, as does your healing, is he here on RN?

I know my comments dont help your dilemma but perhaps they give you a broader spectrum
hope you heal well and apologies from the dark side

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 15, 2014 11:16 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Thanks for your reply.

I guess I am leaning toward the letter because I feel like I really just need to say these things and have him hear them. I don't think that "talking" about them will be productive for either of us. Does that make sense?

He isn't on RN, although I wish he were. I think the program (as far as the partner side goes) is really helpful. I suppose I can tell him about it. I tried to point him to some resources shortly after D-day and he was kind of a jerk about it. That was some time ago, however.

You're right that I am in a dilemma. I want to recover and move on with my life. I would really like us to be able to recover together as a couple, but he just isn't willing/able to do what would be needed for that to happen right now.

It sucks.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 15, 2014 5:35 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: UK
SP
Quote:
I guess I am leaning toward the letter because I feel like I really just need to say these things and have him hear them
.


then you should write it, it will help you and it might help him

Quote:
He isn't on RN, although I wish he were. I think the program (as far as the partner side goes) is really helpful. I suppose I can tell him about it.


please do so and leave it at that , he has to want to be here , if it helps ask him to enrol and PM me

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2014 5:43 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Thanks Kenzo and Nellie James.

Kenzo, I talked to him and he was receptive. I gave him the website URL and your name. I don't know what he'll do with it, but I hope he checks it out. It's a pretty powerful life transformation program IMHO.

Nellie James, I've been chipping away at the lessons as emotional wherewithal permits :-) I don't expect dialogue -- and honestly, I don't expect him to "hear" me right now. I just think the time is right for me to get it down on paper for myself so I can move past it. If he's truly committed to recovery -- and the jury is still out IMHO so who knows -- he'll want to hear it at some point. A letter gives him the option to hold onto it and read it when he is ready to process it (and means I don't have to go back to it once when I've moved past it). You're right that I can't figure out what is best for both of us and I am trying to keep the focus on myself. However, at times, he seems very close to the edge and that makes me hesitate as I don't want to push him over by my actions. I realize that is out of my control, but I think you can probably understand my hesitation. Hope this makes sense. I will revisit my vision.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2014 3:18 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: UK
Hi

Quote:
I talked to him and he was receptive. I gave him the website URL and your name. I don't know what he'll do with it, but I hope he checks it out. It's a pretty powerful life transformation program IMHO.


great, and you have done a good thing for him , I hope that he realises that

he needs to make his choice, you cannot do that for him, if he does choose the recovery path he will get support from the community and I do believe from you, however remember that you need to put your healing first ,

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2014 3:53 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Hi Nellie,

Just seeing this now. I am on Exercise 18. Please don't misinterpret my "chipping away" as anything more than British understatement :-)

SP


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