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PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2014 9:59 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 6:43 am
Posts: 28
So you can check my history and see where my hubby and I have been battling his SA for years. The first 2 years were pure hell, but we worked so hard on ourselves and our marriage. The past 2 years have been great, and even though there was a few ''trigger'' moments and normal arguments, I thought we had made it. I been, I put EVERYTHING into making this work and it has been so good for SO long... Or so I thought. We actually had plans to renew our vows on our anniversary next month. (something I had put off untill I felt sure I could trust him again)

He has accountability software on his phone, it has been there since the begining, but I haven't checked it in forever.. I didn't see a need too. Then I got a email telling me the subscription was going to expire, so I logged onto it. I started noticing weird things.... His GPS was showing him riding around in a area of town he has no reason to be in, and is known for prostitution. I started looking thru the history, and it would only let me go so far back, but he had been doing it for months.

Started every once in awhile, then more, and more, and now its for about a hr a day. I freaked out and threw a recorder in the car to find out what was going on. ( I tried asking him where he was first, but he lied and told me ''yard selling''.. this is not the part of town you would want to yardsell in, I KNEW he was lying.)

The recorder got him picking up a streetwalker and paying for sex.

I knew he had visited with escorts before, but this is so shocking, I cant beleive he stooped to this level. I am so HURT AND ANGRY. I can't even begin to explain how I feel, but Its like I am going to explode. I haven't confronted him yet, because I know I will go thru all the lies and BS again just like before and I am scared I will flip out if he tries to make me feel crazy again when I already know.

I am just heartbroken. How could he do this AGAIN? In my mind, this is NOT just a relapse, this is who knows how long of picking up streetwalkers. He has been risking my health again. I am going to be sick.

I can't do this anymore. I just can't. I hate him. After all this time of ''working things out'' he does this to me again. I am so freaking STUPID. I hate myself. we had ''relations'' about 8 hrs before he went to see her, and he came home and we did again before I could check the recorder. He didn't even shower before we... oh my god. I can't do this again. I can't believe this.

Someone wake me up. Help me, please.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2014 12:49 am 
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General Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
I've just broken the rule ... no more than 2 posts a day but I really need to reach out to you.

Dear, brandys,

Take a long breath, then another, then another ...
You are not your relationship, you are not responsible for his bad choices or lies or manipulation, for whom he chooses to be. It is not your failure, it doesn't say anything about you and your efforts.
You are not stupid for believing, for healing ...

You are going to come out right. This is a fact.
After the shock subsides you will look at everything and you will change whatever needs changing and you will prevail stronger and wiser than you've ever been before.

I've watched a TED talk ... a psychologist was saying that if we name 3 things we are grateful for everyday ... our lives will improve visibly in the course of a few months. Try to think about 3 things you are grateful for in the midst of this all. I know you are strong enough to focus otherwise you wouldn't be here on RN instead of confronting your H ... Finding out the truth should be top of this list ...

You are in my thoughts

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2014 1:13 am 
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Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 6:43 am
Posts: 28
No, that's just it. I already been here, I already did this. I struggled for years to save my marriage from this. I went thru so much, because I beleived the bull that I would come out ''better in the end''. That's wrong. I am not better, I am worse. I wasted even more years of my life. I lost out on so much. Nothing has changed, everything was fake. The only thing that was different was he was better at hiding it.
Maybe he was good for awhile, I will never know, and I will never beleive anything he says regardless. I was 25 years old when all this was found out, still had so much future and hope. Now I am almost 31, with 2 kids, and I can't do this again. I dont know how to stay, and dont know how to leave. He violated ALL of my boundries again... multiple times.

I'm here because it was this or literally committing myself. Last time it reached a point where I was in a mental hospital for a 10 days. I became so crazy I literally had a mental breakdown and tryed to OD. I spent years in therepy. WE spent years in therepy. I did everything I was supposed to. and here I am again. There is not enough xanax in the world to kill the pain this time. Its so much worse then before, because this time most of my anger is directed toward myself for being the idiot who stuck around with a known sex addict.

I can't beleive right now that any men with addiction as bad as this has the ability to change now. I think they just get better at hidding the addiction and we partners live in ignorant bliss. I'm not talking about the smaller things like porn use or the affair, but the guys who engaged in the really dangerous kind of sex. I was told NOT to check his stuff because it was bad for me... well, turns out it was bad for me not to check because who knows what I have been exposed to in the meantime. I took a ride down there to look around. Its bad.. really bad. Obviously drug addicts, and herion is popular here so that means needles.

He gave me High Risk HPV last time and i just ended up needing a full hysterectomy at the age of 30. I'm not strong. I am broken. HE BROKE ME. I'm scared to confront him with as much rage as I am feeling. What about our kids? what do I do? OMG this can't be happening again. WHY didn't I leave the first time? How many couples on here are still doing well 10 years down the road? I am not the only one to come back and say it happened again years later. Why waste our times trying to fix something that cant be fixed and setting ourselves up for more heartache? Don't find yourself in my shoes ladies... RUN. Get out while you can.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2014 10:25 am 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
brandys wrote:
I went thru so much, because I beleived the bull that I would come out ''better in the end''. That's wrong. I am not better, I am worse. I wasted even more years of my life


I am so so sorry. Life has no guarantees. And those years are precious.

brandys wrote:
I'm here because it was this or literally committing myself. Last time it reached a point where I was in a mental hospital for a 10 days. I became so crazy I literally had a mental breakdown and tryed to OD. I spent years in therepy. WE spent years in therepy. I did everything I was supposed to. and here I am again. There is not enough xanax in the world to kill the pain this time. Its so much worse then before, because this time most of my anger is directed toward myself for being the idiot who stuck around with a known sex addict.


First, I have to say that there is no shame in committing yourself it that is what you need. Sex addiction is devastating. To discover that everything you thought you had is lost AGAIN is tragic. And if you need medical help, that is OKAY. Don't deny yourself the help you need. What I hear you saying is that through all of this, through all of the hurt you experienced, you stayed true to the person that you are. You held to your values even when they were threatened. And the behavior of someone close to you has severely damaged those values again. That is something to be PROUD of. Choosing risk, when it is supported by your values is the RIGHT thing to do. No one has a crystal ball. You made a choice that you believed was supported by good evidence, the best choice you could make with the information you had. Your anger toward yourself is misdirected. You did not betray these values, he did. And I know that you think you should have known, but it sounds like you chose to prioritize mercy and THAT'S OKAY. It doesn't mean you deserve this, or earned it.

brandys wrote:
I can't beleive right now that any men with addiction as bad as this has the ability to change now. I think they just get better at hidding the addiction and we partners live in ignorant bliss. I'm not talking about the smaller things like porn use or the affair, but the guys who engaged in the really dangerous kind of sex. I was told NOT to check his stuff because it was bad for me... well, turns out it was bad for me not to check because who knows what I have been exposed to in the meantime. I took a ride down there to look around. Its bad.. really bad. Obviously drug addicts, and herion is popular here so that means needles.


That's really scary. Your health has been put at risk, and that's terrifying. It makes sense that you're questioning everything right now.

brandys wrote:
I'm not strong. I am broken. HE BROKE ME.

You are both. You are both strong, AND broken. He did break you. And it took an incredible amount of pressure to do it. And the fact that you are now broken doesn't mean that you always will be. There IS healing from this. For YOU. I don't know if he'll ever recover. It sounds like you are not interested in repairing the relationship, so it's probably the end of the road for that. But there is healing for you. There is a good life available for you. It's going to be a hard road, but you have the tools you need to make it. You can be okay.

brandys wrote:
I'm scared to confront him with as much rage as I am feeling.


Then don't yet. Wait until you have a handle on yourself, and your plans. If you still have access to the counselor you visited before, you might want to schedule a session with that person to explain what's going on. They also may be able to moderate a discussion when you're ready to tell your husband what you have discovered and what your plan is going forward. Wait until the shock has passed and you feel more stable.

brandys wrote:
What about our kids? what do I do?

You take one step at a time. Contact your therapist. Contact a lawyer. Gather any evidence you have to use in the divorce proceedings. Gather identifying documents. Take one step forward at a time. It may feel like your life is changing over night, but it's still going to happen one little piece at a time, and that's all you can do. There are checklists in the "My healing checklists" section that address things that you need to consider as you go through the divorce and separation process. You want to make sure that you and your children are as well protected financially and emotionally as possible.

I am so sorry for all you're experiencing right now. Take care of you today. Don't neglect your need to eat, or sleep. Your body is important. You're in my thoughts today.
Mrs. Jones


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2014 9:49 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Hi Brandy,
I can't imagine what you are feeling now. The nature of his addiction is very destructive - physical as well as emotional abuse. You did nothing wrong. You honored your values. You chose to stick it out and that speaks to your courage and positive attitude which are not weaknesses - no - quite the opposite.

This may be a roller coaster ride for a while - so please seek help and support from the medical community as well as friends and family and your counselor - your health and well being are the priorities now. Mrs. Jones has given you excellent advice. Take one day at a time, but do work on a plan of action even if it's just jotting things down as they pop into your head. I agree that confronting your H can wait until you feel more emotionally stable, and I recommend that you do it in a safe setting with a counselor, minister, or friend to be present to help diffuse any emotional melt downs. I know how frightening it can be when anger tips us over. And take time to do kind and loving things for yourself.

We are here for you. You are not alone in this.

Nellie James


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