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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2014 12:45 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
There are some books that you are looking for and then there are some books that find you themselves. I've been struggling for some time now trying to figure out what is going on with me and my life. After the normal period of grieving over the fact that my H turned out to be a SA, I've focused on myself only to discover there's nothing to focus on ... There was nothing else in my life, in my thoughts, nothing except my H and my wiling sacrifice towards him. I've realized this when trying to work on the lessons I just couldn't come up with a vision for myself, one that I believed in, one that didn't have a man in its centre.

I was stuck and fortunately enough, I could see for myself that I am stuck. Therefore I've decided to build myself up so I moved to the recovery side of RN. I could feel I'm not healthy (by comparison with all the great ladies on this site that have made it through the darkness of Dday) therefore I made a commitment to myself to do whatever it takes to get to the bottom of my issues and to straighten my life irrespective of what my H is choosing for himself. Being on the recovery side helped more as it would spell out the ABC of building skills and knowing yourself but I've always felt that my problem merely encompasses a sex or love addiction tendency while the core of it kept eluding me somehow.

Over this past few months i've been right in identifying my problems as a willingness to sacrifice, need to take care and nurture, need to help ... But these being generally accepted by society as good and noble traits especially in women, I was wary to call them addiction even if the resemblance was astounding. However, thanks to finding this book, now I know what goes on with me. I'm one of those that love too much. The author claims that there are many women like me out there, especially those caught up in difficult relationships, trying desperately to hang on to a man that has emotional problems (she mentions alcoholism and drugs and only hints sex addiction), hoping he will eventually change and that he needs her help for that...

I know my situation is probably very different from most of the other partners on this site. However, some might be not very far from it. The book has excellent advice even for those that do not fit the category of "women that love too much" but they do find themselves caught in relationships with men that have emotional issues. The book reinforces the teaching of RN, I couldn't find any discrepancy of ideas (as far as my understanding of RN goes at this point), providing explanation as to why and how some of the women do allow themselves to be caught in difficult relationships despite warnings and gut feelings, just on blind hope that he will change and it will all fall into place.

If anyone read the book and found other related books, please do share. I can see how my perspective, my emotions and my life changes with every single thought that strikes me as the truth about me.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2014 11:04 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
:g: Good for you Ursula. Self discovery is key to healing or recovery, and you are doing just that by paying attention to your personal insights.. I am happy that you are finding what you need on the recovery side.

Nellie


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2014 11:57 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
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Thank you Nellie, you and so many others have been an inspiration.

I do identify more with the addictive side of RN, especially as far as lying to oneself and emotional immaturity that cannot stand rejection, abandonment ... I do need emotional highs to keep balance, just that I got that from my marriage ... but it is equally unhealthy and damaging to oneself. So, yeah, it works for me more being on the dark side and besides, they do practice a lot of kicking in the butt when they see you stray from what you've set out to do and it really helps ...

I remember what you told me when I joined RN ... you said ... "what do you accept?" Funny how I thought I accepted reality when I was in deep denial or wishful thinking. I just thought I can "manage" the situation and everything will fall into place, my H will see to his recovery and I can see to him and we can all be happy as we were before ... Yeah, right ... I've learnt so much about myself and every time I had to accept a little bit more. Now I'm closer to accepting reality as it is, not only mine but also my H's. Accepting is key to letting go and working with what you truly have to become the best of what you can be. Thank you for so much and especially for this realisation. Accepting is the true power ... it is letting go of controlling others and controlling yourself. This is what I'm doing now.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 12:28 am 
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Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
:g: Good work. I feel we are all works in progress and that's a good thing.

Nellie


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2014 6:59 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Good work, ursula! Self awareness is such a great asset; a facilitator for transformation and breakthrough, as you have experienced. It is wonderful that you have the strength to look at yourself in a way that may not always be easy (self-awareness often reveals things that aren't pretty, at least in my experience :w: ) but it is such a gift.

Be well

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2014 5:06 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
CoachMel,

It's not easy, it's not pleasant but it's the greatest gift, indeed. I see and I feel so much, much more than I ever did ... Looking back at how I lived it seemed as if I was in a zombie-like state, I was just a crazy puppet. What's sad is I was my own puppet ... I was pulling my own strings, keeping me in the darkness, feeding my own fears by avoiding them, not wanting to see and accept the truth. But now I think I do or at least I'm actively engaged in the real search ... it happened incrementally, with each and every little breakthrough ... You've helped a lot in that process. There were some things you've told me or told others that I honestly believed do not apply to me. But they stuck, maybe because they botherred me somehow ... maybe because I trusted you and your assessment but I just couldn't see. Of course I couldn't. I was not self aware, I did not have the capacity to understand where you are coming from. I had to grow myself to be able to grasp the truth you were offering. Thank you so much for taking the time to influence and guide me on my path. You've made a huge difference and these days it feels like I am truly alive for the first time, despite all the pain and suffering ... I'm alive and free.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2014 8:51 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Really great news, ursula, and thank you for the acknowledgment, I do appreciate it. That said, remember that it was you who did the work that caused the breakthroughs, because you were willing to take it on. :g:

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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