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 Post subject: Re: his ideal
PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2014 10:42 am 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
This is a complex question to answer. Short answer, most likely his perspective will change, yes. Longer answer is that at this point his sexuality is so objectified that he can't reach outside of the "tool" that he's decided works best to relieve his anxiety - what you've described as his "type." The other side of this is that most people do have something that they naturally find attractive, and so in his recovery there is no guarantee that the healthy him will find you attractive. If he found you attractive at one point, then he very well might find you attractive again once he begins to see both you and others as whole people and not just bodies to fill roles in his life.

Regardless of if he eventually finds you as sexy as you actually are, if he recovers he SHOULD start treating you with more respect. Because his conversation with you was incredibly demeaning and disrespectful. These conversations don't sound healthy for either one of you. Have you considered setting boundaries around how these conversations happen? If he's honestly trying to work through his attraction to a different person, posting on his own forum could be a healthy option; but it sounds like this might just be a way to hurt you further.


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 Post subject: Re: his ideal
PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2014 1:58 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2014 2:05 am
Posts: 56
Thank you for your reply. Since posting this, I have had a moment of clarity. I don't care what he thinks is attractive. I don't care who he thinks is attractive. I know I am attractive. I'm very attractive. There's nothing wrong with me at all in the slightest. I'm not fat. I'm not ugly. I'm actually very lucky with what I look like. Despite that, I deserve and want and in a relationship have a non negotiable that I get to feel atttractive and get to be treated like I am. I'd be robbing myself of something special if I didn't expect that. Its a special part of love. So, he can decide if he wishes to treat me like I am or like I'm not. Either way, I'm not living without it - and if he eventually decides I'm not for him - so be it. But I won't accept his addiction robbing me of that part of my life. Or any other anymore. I'm worth more. I'm unique and special. I've been focusing on the wrong thing. I get it now. His addiction is his business. My life and the quality of it - that's mine. And he isn't allowed to impose on that.


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 Post subject: Re: his ideal
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2014 12:04 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
:g: :g: :g:
Quote:
I'm unique and special. I've been focusing on the wrong thing. I get it now. His addiction is his business. My life and the quality of it - that's mine. And he isn't allowed to impose on that.


You made my day.
Nellie


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 Post subject: Re: his ideal
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2014 9:33 am 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
Quote:
But I won't accept his addiction robbing me of that part of my life. Or any other anymore. I'm worth more.

Yay!! This is wonderful! This is a huge step for your healing.


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 Post subject: Re: his ideal
PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2014 2:48 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2014 2:05 am
Posts: 56
Thank you - I feel a change, like i suddenly "got it".

Im sure there will be tough days still, but Im getting there.


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