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 Post subject: Losing hope
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2014 12:14 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:33 pm
Posts: 50
I'm losing any faith in humanity. I have always tried to be a good person. Years ago when I recognized myself as a sex addict I made the decision to change my behavior so that I could not hurt the people I care about with my actions. I changed my life and learned to recognize harmful situations and people. Over time I met someone who seemed to be a positive person in my life. He did not fit any of the patterns of the other addicts and abusers I have known over the years. This past year I discovered that he is a sex addict. We have been working on recovery over the past few months but I have just discovered that he has been in relapse for awhile now. I'm just wrecked! When I was recovering I was all alone and I still did not act out because I knew it would hurt someone. The thought of causing another pain was enough. Why is my pain not enough for him! This is such a selfish world we live in! I have survived molestation and rape. My parents were abusive. My ex was abusive and a drug addict. I have lived in compleat poverty, working two jobs to support my children. Now when life finally starts to feel worth it I just get kicked down again. I just want to take my children and move somewhere away from society. I think I would rather live in isolation then to be betrayed again. I'm a strong person, but how many times do I realy need to be kicked down. This straw may have finally broke this camel's back.


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 Post subject: Re: Losing hope
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2014 1:19 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
My dear Rainiegirl,
you are human too. You cannot lose your faith in humanity as you are one of its best individuals. I strongly believe there are others like you out there, so, do not despair.
Maybe it helps you if you think of him as a little child who wants to avoid his pain at all costs. I see this with my stepson ... he would do anything not to feel any amount of pain ... he would risk infection not to feel the pain of cleaning his wound. And also, his definition of happiness is having fun. This is what his emotional level is and hopefully I can support his growth.
However, my H is another issue. I cannot make him grow, he must grow himself. And he is not my responsibility as I do not have the authority and the accountability or control over his actions. I strongly believe in the individual right to live their life as they seem fit. I have to believe in that as it also gives me the freedom to do as I please. Therefore, his freedom of choice gives me freedom of choice and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Also, think that he is hurting himself more than he is hurting you ... Just because he doesn't want to see it like that, it doesn't mean that it's not real. You can walk anytime, he is stuck and he will always be unless he chooses to deal with his painful issues. From this perspective, I can only pity anyone who finds themselves in this position, whether they perceive it like this or not. It's even sadder that he cannot see it. For many, recovery entails blindly believing that there is something bigger and better that they must strive for. I say blindly because they've never felt it, they do not know what that is or how it feels. So, it's pretty hard to go through all that trouble for something that you don't even really believe in ... That is why he needs to want it, to crave for it ... for himself, not for anyone else, otherwise it's not sustainable.
When you think he is selfish, well, he is. But he is selfish with himself first and foremost. He chooses to "starve" his better side of humanity and feed the "parasite" (I've watched part of Coach Jim's post on the other side).
I do not know if these ideas can help you in any way to find some degree of comfort in your painful situation. I've been walking in your shoes also but for a longer time and therefore I'm closer to accepting the reality and moving on in a healthy way ... And for me that is to reaffirm the incredible potential of humanity, to believe in myself. I am the walking proof that our underlying condition is one of goodness, of wisdom, of growth, of endurance and I strongly believe in the humanity I see growing within myself.
You are a very strong woman and you've achieve so much in your life. Please, as Nellie says always, give yourself patience and be gentle ... things are never black and white, they are grey ... some aspire towards the white, some push themselves towards the black ... It is an individual choice.
I wish you peace!

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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