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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 2:53 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 28, 2014 12:13 pm
Posts: 38
H asked me to go to his counselling session recently so his therapist could understand our dynamic and check I was happy with what they were doing. I said to h that I really felt it was none of my business what they are doing as it is his therapy.
However, I went along and I felt that the therapist was trying to convince me that I had 'a lot of anger'- I kept telling him I was angry but have now got to a point where I can see the funny side to it all (to make light if it for myself not to be hurtful). Because let's be honest the idea of h sending photographs of his penis to other people on the net is funny. I am over the deep hurt and trying to move on. I hold him I feel rejected by h who is sexually anorexic and doesn't go near me sexually normally, but he failed to hear this and kept saying I ended to let go if the anger he could hear when I spoke.
Has anyone else had this kind of advice from their h's therapist?
H is in denial of being an addict ( he admits he has a problem but believe its anxiety about sex) the therapist says he has a bad case of this stretching back years. The therapist seems reluctant to use the word sex addict but I wondered if this was his way of getting h to change his behaviour because he is so adamAnt he is not an sa what good would it do for the therapist to insist he is?
I thnk he dies believe in as as a model as I have found a book he has written about the subject so maybe he is just being clever at working through the problem without using the labels that h finds so offensive.

I just feel like I'm not being heard, my needs don matter.
I am taking time for myself gym, facials etc I have to love me for me :) will not rely on him.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 6:08 pm 
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Your husband is sending pictures of his penis to strangers on the internet and won't have anything to do with you. Is it really a surprise to anyone that you're angry? I also dealt with periods of sexual anorexia and let me tell you, it made me feel pretty d*mn crappy at the time -- and then when I found out what he was actually doing behind my back while this was going on -- well, let's just say, I completely understand how you feel.

Now, do I need to let go of this anger to move on? Most certainly if I want to move on in a relationship with my partner (we are on a break at the moment). And yes, probably for my own well-being regardless. But the way that I feel? It will happen when it happens. Sure, I can work on it -- there are lots of therapeutic approaches for releasing anger that are helpful. I'm certainly willing to try. But the bottom line is that I'm not going to let anyone tell me that I don't have a right to feel the way I feel. I think the fact that you are trying to find the humor in the situation shows you are trying...

I am not an expert but I feel that partners need to recover independent of SAs, SAs need to recover independent of partners, and then maybe you can recover together as a couple. Anything else isn't really a healthy recovery for either of you IMHO -- it's just creating a more positive codependency, if that makes any sense.

I've also noticed a lot of therapists treating SAs seem to think that if the SA does x-y-z then that should be enough for the partner to recover. I belong to a partners group and I can't tell you how many partners go through all the steps that their SA's therapists recommend only to find out their SA wasn't really in recovery in the first place and -- if the partner hasn't done his/her own recovery work -- it's like D-day all over again.

Just my 2 cents for what it's worth...


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:55 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
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Of course you are angry! I'm livid. I as well went through a LONG period of sexual anorexia and he was sexually acting out the whole time. And here I was trying to be so nice and understanding. Talk about not setting boundaries! Talk about being abused and betrayed. I would worry about us if we were not angry. And, honestly, I am so sick of being angry at myself.

I'm worried about CSATs and 12-step programs. I think some are probably helpful, but I think some are really, really harmful. I am worried when we are first labeled as co-dependent and angry. I think that is really unfair and in a counseling session is actually enabling the addiction by blame shifting.

Does my husband have legitimate intimacy issues with me? Of course. Can he identify them right now? No way. RN has helped me realize that he looks at everything through a sexual lens and his addiction causes warped and distorted thinking. Before we can deal with my intimacy issues as a couple, he is going to have to be in healthy recovery.

dnell


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:57 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
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With the last counselor that my husband and I saw I went into the first meeting very guarded. I wasn't angry I was just confident in my perspective of what was happening and I wasn't interested in being "talked out of" what I already knew to be true. We started individual sessions and after several months of counseling the therapist and I had a discussion about how he perceived me to be very angry in that first meeting. Fortunately, the counselor we saw was skilled enough and mature enough not to base all of our sessions off of that initial discussion. He respected me enough to communicate my own feelings and needs in my own time. I appreciated that. It sounds like you didn't have the same experience.

If this is primarily your H's counselor, than he may be primarily seeing you through the lens that your husband has given him. Even though, ideally, he would allow you to tell him about you, counselors are human and it can be hard to "unknow" stories that people have told us about others. If you know that you are not angry then you can simply discard the things the counselor was saying. As you said in the first place, this is your H's counselor and your H's business. Just continue to focus on yourself and your own values.

I'm not sure if what I wrote helped at all. What is your primary concern regarding this counselor?
Mrs. Jones


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 2:55 pm 
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Thanks for your responses. My concern about this counsellor is that it was like he had already decided to label me as angry. He kept saying until I let go of the anger that we wouldn't be able to move on as a couple. But he wasn't taking on board what I was saying which was that I used to be angry but I'm not really angry anymore. I have given him patience and understanding but because h has little interest in me sexually (he does not initiate anything sexual and we have sex once a month if that, it is mechanical and all about the goal (for him) of sustaining his erection I feel). It isn't that he doesn't want to connect with me - I do believe that - it's just that he doesn't know how. It's a mystery to him .

I just feel like my sexual life is slipping away - I'm not far off forty - I wanted to have a baby - but don't want to with him now- my dreams and my life I thought I would have have altered. My happiness is not dependent on him and I am strong and enjoy life. He is so quick to get annoyed - i cant say anything about how I think things should be done or what needs doing as he sees it as a criticism.

This counsellor knows him less well than I but tried to tell me things I already felt I knew about (to do with people's sexuality being fluid) I found him a bit patronising. I think h going to him is better than nothing and will just have to wait and see if he makes changes to himself. Focus on me but it's hard to be denied an intimate relationship. So hardcore partners - I have to live like a nun? Not have a sexlife? It's made me wonder about open relationships but I think that would just add to problems!!
Seriously what are we supposed to do sexually ? I'm fed up of having so little in ways of initimacy !


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2014 1:53 pm 
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Joined: Thu Oct 11, 2012 2:02 pm
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Hi, Connie,
Quote:
Focus on me but it's hard to be denied an intimate relationship. So hardcore partners - I have to live like a nun? Not have a sexlife? It's made me wonder about open relationships but I think that would just add to problems!!
Seriously what are we supposed to do sexually ? I'm fed up of having so little in ways of initimacy !


I struggled and sometimes still struggle with this, as well. It seems ridiculous to offer fidelity to someone who has been unfaithful, especially while you are stuck in limbo, waiting to find out whether they will ever choose to be faithful. I had to evaluate and reevaluate my values on this many times over, because it was so frustrating and completely unfair. At least, that is how it felt to me.

What it boiled down to, every time, was that I needed to do what was right for me, regardless of what he did. My values indicated that I needed to maintain fidelity to the man I had vowed fidelity to (yours may be different, these are my values). It was only going to multiply the damage if I betrayed my values to satisfy my sexual feelings. I also had to keep in perspective that they are sexual feelings not sexual needs. Asserting that they are needs always leads me down a path toward violating my own values, because if they are needs, then I have no choice about it (and perhaps neither did he). Feelings, however, I can endure (and he must learn to also).

Finally - violating, or pressing the boundaries of, my values can make those boundaries less clear and more confusing. I have a lot more confidence in asserting and protecting my boundaries with others, when I am operating out of them faithfully myself. It muddies the waters when I say, "you must honor my boundaries, but I don't." I'm not saying that you have to know everything and have complete clarity on everything, all the time; I'm saying you will feel more centered and confident if you are trying your best to maintain your own integrity. Doing something you feel on a gut level is wrong, even when your mind can justify it, is going to undermine your own sense of yourself.

I hope that helps, wish there were an easier answer, because going through what you are enduring right now is miserable.
thebagholder


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2014 8:59 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
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Connie - I am struggling with this issue as well. After a long, long period of being sexually rejected and having no sex and then realizing my H was masturbating and fantasizing about any female in a skirt, except for one female, me, whew, it's hard to wrap my mind around this. So, here I was being such a faithful, loving, understanding, patient wife and look what I got. When my husband and I first reconnected, when I knew about alot of his stuff but did not really know about the depth of the addictive behaviors, I engaged in hysterical bonding. (Didn't even know about that term, and god, I wish I did not have to learn about this stuff). It was good and it was bad. It was good since it was almost a primal response. I had been denied so long, I was selfish and wanted sex for me. Was it loving? Was it intimate? No. Did it make me feel closer to my husband? Well, actually, yes. Did it feel good to finally have sex? Yes, absolutely. Did I have mixed feelings that it was with this man who was a stranger to me and who had been so brutal to me? Yes. Did I know he was not really there and fantasizing about other women? Yes. I had to be really selfish and almost mercenary when I did this. I hate to say, but I felt a bit of anger in it, like, look what you've been missing. Now that's not healthy. But, I also have to say it did make me feel more fond of my husband. But, ugh, it's so hard to have sex with someone who does not desire me.

That period of bonding stopped and I think it is because I really do have to think about my values. Sex with my husband right now is something I am deeply conflicted about. Is sex so imporant to me that I can do it without love? Can I have sex with someone who I think does not desire or love me? Can I have sex with someone who has so devalued my sexuality and continues to fantasize about other women? I can do it but is there a price to me?

I thought long and hard about having an affair. I did not and will not for both healthy and unhealthy reasons. My unhealthy reasons include that I am so insecure about my desirablity. Also, having an affair was not going to really make me feel better about myself. My healthy reasons were that I just don't think it is right. Not right for me to be unfaithful, not right or fair to whomever this other man was. It would not be right for my husband, but right now he does not deserve my fidelity. What I do think is my marriage deserves my being faithful until I can determine if my husband is committed to recovery. So, I am respectful of marriage and the need for faithfulness. I am respectful of my need to be faithful for my own values.

So, what I haven't figured out is my value about sex. And that means sex with my husband. I'm going to muddle through and be conflicted and figure it out. I just don't know. I do know in the long run if my husband does recover I will really need to understand if he loves and desires me, and if he does not, then, no, I do not want to have sex or be with him. I just don't know the answer yet, it is too soon. So, in the meantime, sex or no sex with my husband? Still don't have a good answer.

dnell


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