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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 3:17 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
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So ladies, I've been separated from DH for a few months and have moved back to the US. I am with family until I find a job and have a way to support myself. I've been struggling with the decision; wondering if it was the right one, or if I should have or should going forward give him "one more chance." I know it isn't likely that he would change at this point, but I do wonder. I'm just right now allowing myself the time to be sure about this.

But this brings me to the question of what to do with his mom. I have not seen her yet since I have been back to the states, but I know that she wants to meet. She keeps bothering me via text--things like,"Are you in town?" And "would you like to come up with me to meet the baby?" (My brother in law and sister in law just had a baby, which would be, by legality, my nephew; however, I do not feel comfortable pretending everything is normal when I just left her son! And I do not wish to "meet the baby" when I am planning on filing for a divorce!) I know that I am probably going to have to meet with her eventually, even if I don't meet the baby, and that she is going to ask questions about what happened. DH has told her NOTHING other than "we are divorcing." Absolutely nothing. He says it is to 'protect me,' but it is of course, to protect him because he knows his reputation would be shot if he had to tell his parents he was being 'friendly' with other women and couldn't give up his 15 year porn habit. So. My question is:

How do I handle his mom? Do I meet with her, or tell her I will meet with her after it's final (provided I do file)?
Do I tell her anything? If so, what?

It's really stressing me, I have no idea what to tell her.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 3:29 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
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I can so relate. Do you like his Mom? Did you have a good relationship with her before discovery?

I'm new here, so I can only tell you my instinct which is don't go visit. It sounds like you don't want to and it would be about taking care of her. I don't know, I'd say something like "Things are not going well between me and (name of husband) and I would be uncomfortable visiting or talking. I think it is best you talk to (name of husband) about this." And, then don't talk anymore.

I'm learning from RN to put my health first.

dnell


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 7:52 pm 
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I did, and still do, like his mom. She is so sweet.

I feel bad simply saying, "Talk to him." She's past that point: a few weeks ago (I heard this through friend of the friend it happened to) she went up to one of my sister's friends (thinking that she might know something) and was in tears and said, 'I know that J (my DH) is lying to me and not telling me what really happened, and no one will tell me anything! Do you know anything?"

So essentially she knows that talking to DH will get her nowhere. She knows that he is hiding something and that he isn't giving her the full story. However, I don't want to complicate our divorce by "ratting"on him. Right now he is being nice--honorable actually. He is sending the money we agreed on during our separation and he also fixed up my car so I'd have something to drive. And he is not going to contest the divorce should/when I file. So, I am not interested in making my own life and divorce harder than it needs to be. He is also passive aggressive, and if I 'ruin' his reputation, he won't let that go. I am thinking of meeting with her and telling her that unfortaunately I can't give her the information that she wants right now and that it will have to wait until the divorce is final.

I feel that honors her but it also protects me. Does anyone else have any ideas or suggestions?


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:46 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
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Kitten! It's so good to hear from you and I'm glad you're doing well, even if things are hard right now.

I think you are probably on the right track. You definitely need to protect yourself through this. If giving his mother details would derail that, then it is important that you prioritize those things according to your own values. You can probably be honest with her about your feelings about meeting the baby without explaining everything that is happening. If she knows about the divorce already and she still invited you to go, it might be her way of letting you know that she still considers you family and that you are still important to her. If she is continuing to maintain that relationship with you, then you should probably decide if it's a relationship you want to maintain as well.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:28 am 
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Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
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I
Quote:
am thinking of meeting with her and telling her that unfortaunately I can't give her the information that she wants right now and that it will have to wait until the divorce is final.

Yes. You are being truthful with her and you are protecting yourself. When the time is right, after the divorce, you will find the right words. :g:

Nellie James


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 3:41 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 04, 2013 4:25 pm
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Sorry to hear you and H have come to this point. I agree with the others. You know she is going to press for details. It's probably best just to wait.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 6:10 pm 
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Thank y'all. I've decided to just wait and see if she contacts me. If she does, I will meet her (but not at her house, and not at "the baby's"house), and I will just tell her that I can't tell her anything right now and that she will have to wait. In the meantime she is welcome to press her son for more information (though I know this is a fruitless endeavor, as does she, I'm sure).


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 7:21 pm 
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Very wise.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 7:11 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2014 2:31 pm
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Definitely a good idea not to say anything about your hubby's addiction. I agree with the above comments, it's a way to protect yourself and her feelings as well. Sorry to hear about that Kitten35 but I hope everything will eventually get better.


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