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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2014 12:43 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
I find myself pondering a lot of things lately. Something happened a few weeks ago and it was like a dam of hurt and betrayal burst open and flooded me. Not sure how or why, but somehow I have kept myself from really experiencing what has happened to me. I have of course had moments in time where I felt the deep hurt, but haven't really let it just go. This time, I was overwhelmed and had no choice to make the pain, my pain be the main thing I felt. It felt similar to the time after my first husband died or when I have been in labour. Not that I really didn't have a choice, but that the experience was so real, so full, so absorbed me I had no option other than to really focus on it and feel it. I felt weak. I felt the full weight of the thing, the betrayals, the rejection, the sorrow. I still feel it, although not as intensely now.

Trauma. I realized it was a severe blow of trauma that I felt. Years of trauma bursting free and overwhelming me.

It's interesting to me that hearing him say he's sorry or that he wishes it could be better really, truly doesn't help. Hearing him say he's horrible and I am wonderful didn't help either. Neither ever has. Instead it's always felt like not quite getting at what I need.

I realized what I needed instead was simple acknowledgement of the trauma, the pain, the bleeding, the damage I have been exposed to. Without using "I'm sorry" as a way to brush it away, to stop it. Instead being with me, helping me carry the burden. What I realized would feel better than just "I'm sorry the way things are, I wish I could change it, is "I am sorry for the damage I have done to you with the cheating, the lying and the addictions and I want to help you heal from it." Then to do that. I want specific apologies with an open ending rather than a closed ending (eg. I wish I could change it, I am a horrible person).

Learning. Quietly I am learning and moving through my life a little clumsily with occasional moments of doing it just right myself.

So life will carry on. The beauty of the world has started creeping back into my vision. It's going to be okay. I will be fine. But I do walk away from my marriage with damage. It changed me. It traumatized me. But I will be okay.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2014 4:13 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
Autumnrose! It's been a tough day for me today and I logged on and saw your user name and it just made me so happy! I've missed your presence on the board! I hope that feeling that trauma has been a healing experience for you - that it's something that will enable healing instead of destroy it.
Mrs. Jones


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 6:37 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2014 2:31 pm
Posts: 7
Thank you for the inspiring words. As a partner to a PA who keeps on promising that he will change, I so could relate to what you've said. I love my bf so much but the pain that he has caused me not only left me with sleepless nights (or nights that I could actually fall asleep but with nightmarish dreams) but also made me question my self-worth. I don't know as to how and when I could endure this but I'm willing to fight, though the idea of leaving him are already crossing my mind. Oh, how I wish I could just be indifferent and walk away.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2014 8:16 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
Thank you Mrsjones and madlyinlove.

mrsjones007 wrote:
I've missed your presence on the board! I hope that feeling that trauma has been a healing experience for you - that it's something that will enable healing instead of destroy it.

This last episode was damaging to me but I finally see the naked truth. I actually felt rather helpless and hopeless afterwards. Both counselors I see occasionally acknowledged that I was hurt very deeply and for some reason that helped me, to have witnesses to the damage. Because I come out of this marriage different, damaged. After insisting on some space from seeing him at all in anyway, I feel the ground getting firm under me again. I'll be okay, but not without some deep scars.

madlyinlove wrote:
s a partner to a PA who keeps on promising that he will change, I so could relate to what you've said

You're welcome. I relate to the promises. Look for actions and if the words line up to the actions, great.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


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