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 Post subject: This really hurts!
PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2014 8:47 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Every time I think I have experienced the depths of pain and I get clarity and peace, wham, back it comes. It's like waves. Is that what you all went through?

I know I need to do the lessons, to detach, to get therapy, to get support. I know this. I know it will help. But, gosh, I am in so much pain. I know it won't kill me, but it is shortening my life.

I am feeling stronger at times, so it feels weird to cycle back to so much pain. I think it is because I'm finally letting in the awful truth.

Any advice?

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: This really hurts!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2014 7:23 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2014 1:22 am
Posts: 25
It really hurts.... its a pain that is indescribable - it brings on insecurity and a huge anxiety - it has been a month since dday and boy, it feels like it just happened.
I'm constantly searching to see what else he was doing and when I don't find anything else I feel more anxious.
I am at the moment hating myself for loving him - and I'm angry all the time.
So you are not alone.


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 Post subject: Re: This really hurts!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2014 9:51 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 23, 2013 4:38 am
Posts: 59
It does come in waves. It's nature's way of only giving us what we can handle. Small doses. It would kill us to get it all at once. You will survive it. The grief is a necessary step to healing. I'm almost two years into this and I can say I do have great days and glimpses of the marriage I want with the man I was meant to have it with. My husband works at this everyday and no... He isn't always successful. He relapses and I find myself questioning why I stay and why I still care for him. But then I see the smile and I see the person he really is inside and I know he needs my support to face his demons. But I also am not in any danger. He doesn't hit me and his emotional abuses are always tied to his SA, so when I see it my red flag goes up and we have a hear to heart. I don't let him abuse me anymore but make him look at his behaviors.
One month in I was just hurt and angry. You have a lot of soul searching to do to get to the stage I am in where the waves are far apart and come from real places and notnjust the anxiety. Start the lessons. Follow the steps.

_________________
Don't take life too seriously; You'll never get out alive
~Elbert Hubbard


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 Post subject: Re: This really hurts!
PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 12:28 am 
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Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Quote:
I am feeling stronger at times, so it feels weird to cycle back to so much pain. I think it is because I'm finally letting in the awful truth.
You will continue to get stronger but there will be ups and downs along the way. My ups and downs and emotional reactions finally led me to acknowledge that my own emotional health had to be my priority - my number one value. When I felt myself tipping over, and I could feel it coming on....I used a variety of tools to help myself change my focus to doing something I liked. I had my own little arsenal of stuff like songs I'd sing, dancing around the house, pulling weeds in the yard, grabbing my camera and going for a walk. I'm not suggesting that you stuff your emotions....no. Just ways to help you if you find yourself stuck in a cycle of sorts. I also just allowed myself a good cry or yell. One coach told me to make myself a special sanctuary with a candle, pillow, favorite colors, a chair - just for me to be with myself. A friend of mine told me that she didn't realize how angry she was until she went to a crisis center where she could pound and break things- they supplied her with a room filled with stuff she could beat on. She said she found herself ripping and tearing and pounding and yelling. She used this facility until she felt she was done. I tore up my husband's old shirts - tore them into a pile of shreds - seemed like an appropriate metaphor for our marriage. One night, he tore them with me. So...we all find our way based on our personal insights and how we feel...feelings are key, from my perspective. Over-analyzing, being in our head doesn't fix the hurt.
Quote:
I know it won't kill me, but it is shortening my life.
What can you do to interrupt the waves so your life isn't shortened? What action plans can you come up with to help you? For me, finding my JOY was key.

Take what you can use and lose the rest.

Nellie James


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 Post subject: Re: This really hurts!
PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 6:24 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Nellie James, so well said. Yes, absolutely, I need to put my emotional health first. Sheesh....how many times do I have to learn this lesson? I find another shock to my system is the advice I am getting from well meaning people. They, I hate to say this, they pity me. They keep asking me "why are you staying." They tell me I have my head in the sand (more nicely said than that, but that's the message). They tell me I have "battered wife syndrome" and I fear they are right. They fear that I have settled for so little for so long that I won't make healthy decisions.
So, yes, back to finding some joy and my true self and some peace and clarity.
dnell


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 Post subject: Re: This really hurts!
PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 11:15 am 
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Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
I suggest that you take another look at your vision and consider it a roadmap of sorts that will change as you evolve. Nothing is set in stone, but it's a place to start rebuilding your life. Take a second look at your values and ask yourself , "What is my priority?"

Keep in mind that your healing will be a process unique to you with light bulb moments along the way. There is no once size fits all.
Personal insights....build on those as you become aware. I found that some of best thinking happened when I was asleep and let my subconscious brain connect the dots.

And turn your H over to himself completely. This is his crisis to manage, figure out, and determine what his values truly are. His job. Your job is you. Your healing does not depend on him. Some of my best advice came from a former counselor who was also an old college friend. She said, "Quit sacrificing yourself to his addiction."

Nellie James


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 Post subject: Re: This really hurts!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2014 10:38 am 
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Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2014 6:32 pm
Posts: 1
Thank you. Yes, this really hurts. I think I am so familiar with the kind of "really hurts" you may be feeling....and familiar with the waves. I don't know if it helps, but I read your post and cried for you. I cried and prayed for you, for us. At some point my thoughts were of Jesus, and his ability to walk on water....to say to the waves, "Peace be still". This is what I would like to fall asleep holding onto. But, sometimes it's not enough to know that the next time I'm drowning in pain that I'm not alone, and it will pass. It's like drowning over and over again. Drowning in this kind of pain has a way of making you feel isolated, regardless of how many others may be drowning all around you. I think it's unique to each person, but critical to survival....you have to find that one true thing that makes the pain worth it (for you personally), not just worth it....but, it is connected to you in a way that makes you feel worth something too. That one true thing for me is this: "These three remain. Faith, hope, and love. But, the greatest of these is love." At times my faith isn't what it should be, and I loose hope....but I truly believe I am hurting like this because I love my husband and care about his soul so much. If my pain is any indication of my love, then I've got love in spades.


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