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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2014 11:22 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:02 am
Posts: 63
I am having a really hard time with this.

I am hoping to hear from anyone else who has struggled to complete the lessons and commit to the workshop from the partner's side.

I know that the only way I will ever find health is to fully commit and concentrate on the workshop and on healing, but I am having a very difficult time doing that. It hurts. It hurts so much, and I find that I am avoiding the feelings as much as I can-- pretending that nothing has happened or is going on-- and then when I try to do the workshop it is so overwhelming that it is hard to concentrate.

Lately my boyfriend and I have been acting almost as though we had reset-- as though nothing had happened. This will go on until occasional emotional outbursts from me, which we will discuss (him usually as little as possible and rather unwillingly), and then we will go back to the way things were. I think it is just not honest of me to think that I can continue with the relationship as a relationship and concentrate on healing at the same time. It is too hard. Too easy to concentrate on these false good moments when we are acting like nothing has happened because it feels good and not having them feels bad and thinking about the reality of what has happened feels bad.

I am really just letting this out and hoping that someone out there has felt the same way and has some words of wisdom or encouragement.

Did you, anyone, have trouble getting started on your own work? Did you have trouble forcing yourself to face it?

I could really use a friend with this.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2014 12:41 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:33 pm
Posts: 50
I have had trouble. My problem isn't realy about facing the reality but rather about having to do all the work for a pain that I didn't create. I haven't made any bad choices or hurtful actions within our relationship so why should I now have to pay the price for it all! Working on time consuming and often personal lessons, because of his actions is frustrating! I just remind myself that by avoiding the work I would be setting myself up for even more pain, anger and frustration in the future. That would be my fault! This addiction will not go away on its own and the chances of him acting out again are very likely. Mistakes are a part of the learning process. If you plan on being there for him throughout this process (mistakes and all) you need to have the knowledge and ability to protect yourself from further damage. This is why the lessons are so important.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2014 4:25 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Sometimes I have to take a break from the lessons, but not a long one. This is painful. But, the lessons focus on us, rather than on our addicted partners. I really, really need to focus on me and not be held hostage by the addiction. The lessons and our support forum help with this.

I understand what it is like to feel like the relationship is actually okay, it's just a bump in the road, and everything will be okay. I lived this way for 30 years not knowing my husband was a sex addict but knowing something was wrong. It was so easy for me to get trapped in my hope and longing and to ignore or minimize my husband's abuse. Please, please do not go down this road. I say this with love and compassion and understanding. Looking back I now realize how much time I have lost; how little of good treatment I settled for; how deeply damaging all of this was to me. I can't turn back time; I can only work on the time I have left. But, I can let younger women know of my experience and hope my painful lessons can be helpful.

dnell


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 12:42 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2012 2:21 am
Posts: 112
Hi River,
What you posted, I can totally relate to. It is sooo hard to have a relationship and do the recovery work when your old coping mechanism was to just reset and act like nothing happened. I did this all the time and for the same reason. It felt good to be with him and bad to be without him. Once I learned about his addiction, and decided to do the workshop for myself, I learned that I really would be OK even if he wasn't in my life. I learned to cope with the ugly reality that I had been avoiding. I had to learn to figure out what I really wanted and needed, and be aware of myself and my feelings. I had to do the workshop alone in the beginning because he chose to keep acting out and didn't want to change, This was actually the best thing that could have happened to help me begin to heal, because it would have been too hard at that time to focus on myself if I was in a relationship with him. That's one of the reasons why now, even though he has joined RN and done some of the workshop, I still can't be in a relationship with him yet unless he has done ALOT of honest work in his own recovery and is well along in it. (not just abstinate) It is too hard for me to slide back into just enjoying the good feelings I have when we spend time together. I have to continue to work on this and readjust myself. I hope it helps to know you are not alone in that struggle... :-) Take care.
Sammy


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2014 1:22 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Some partners have chosen to separate from their BFs or Hs in order to focus on themselves. It's especially difficult to stay under the same roof if your partner is not doing a recovery program or seeing a counselor. Your being aware that you are in an avoidance pattern is a place to start. What can you do for you to begin the process of facing the situation. It will take a conscious effort which may begin with the vision you have for your life, whether he's in it or not. Visions are our early roadmaps so we can focus on ourselves. They will change as we heal. What is your priority? What can you do to keep yourself on track?

I know the lessons are a hard dose of reality, but they are laid out very carefully so you can build on what you are learning. It's a process unique to you, but when you find yourself stuck, like you are now, just being aware of that is a good thing. The next step is coming up with an action plan for yourself to get yourself unstuck. Come up with a mantra, a verse, or a song that you can say to yourself to reinforce your self worth. In other words, you are worth more than living a lie. TAke the lessons one at a time taking time to digest what you are learning, discovering, personal insights. Baby steps....forward.

Hope this helps. :w:

Nellie James


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2014 3:22 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2014 1:22 am
Posts: 25
Hi River

I too have felt like this. I'm struggling with my own recovery lessons. I'm so hurt and so angry at my husband. There are times I wish I could put my hand through his skull, take out his brain and wash it with soap! Just to get rid of all the deceit, secrecy, dishonesty and all the garbage he has going on in it.
I also feel that I'm letting myself down by not doing the lessons, but I cant seem to lift myself up - I've gone from being such a stable strong woman into a jittering idiot :( feeling constantly insecure, anxious and frustrated thinking that he is doing something behind my back. This is the man who I married and he has changed me so much !!

I feel for everyone dealing with an addict. It is hard, tiring, exhausting work ! Wish they would just snap out of it. I keeping thinking "is this my life"


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2014 4:56 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2014 9:57 am
Posts: 16
I am finding that without the lessons I feel like I am getting sucked back into his little world where everything is wonderful. The lessons are giving me the strength to keep going. I'm starting to understand his addiction but I'm having trouble feeling compassion for him. I hope this is hard for him. There are times when I don't care if he gets through this. I am trying to become the best I can be. I will need all of my strength to face this future whatever it holds. I'm not going to allow myself to be the woe is me victim who lays around crying because this happened. I only have so many days in my lifetime. He has taken enough of me. I'm not going to let him take any more. I hope he has the strength to beat this addiction but that's his choice. I think that we are worth the fight but if he doesn't agree he's going to be alone with his computer. How pathetic that life would be.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 4:31 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 11:21 am
Posts: 10
great thread! thanks for starting it!

echoes all around for the tensions, troubles, and profound despair that sexual addiction brings to our lives. it is violence, pure and simple. what my partner did to himself and to all people in his radius is violent. i am moving towards self-love. and we'll see if my partner has the heart and courage to change for himself and our community.

i am struggling with exercise 13 because it is the one focusing on all the aspects of our lives that have been hijacked through addiction. friends, professional relationships, living standards, family gatherings, etc. it is a lot.

that said, i have struggled more intensely these past two days while NOT using RN, so here i am in hopes that it can give me back a measure of confidence in my own capacity to heal and move on.

so, i am hitting exercise 13... right now!

ps: i don't post my responses because i don't see how i benefit from public exposure.



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PostPosted: Tue Nov 04, 2014 4:20 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 9:59 am
Posts: 8
I am glad I found this topic. I have only just started on the workshops and thinking about my Vision earlier just reminded me again of all the heartache and pain. In tears and only just starting the workshop!! That said, I do not want to brush this under the carpet, it's out in the open and that is where it has to be if I am to move on and have any kind of fulfilling life.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 11:01 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Early discovery and healing were definitely difficult times. I remember having an overwhelming sense that "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"... and it wasn't, and isn't. But, we have choices to make. As someone mentioned, the choice is whether we want to be held hostage by this circumstance, by the actions and behaviours of another. It means we have to step up and take responsibility for what we can. Which isn't fair, but it's the only way to heal. I think the thing that I got stuck on most was that it felt to me that if I took responsibility for ANY part of it, it meant that he was getting a free pass. I think I also confounded acceptance with agreement, or with condoning something that goes against every fibre of my being. Once that got sorted out (with consistent, intentional practice via the workshop lessons, and taking them beyond the forum and into my life) was once I saw the distinction between responsibility and blame, and acceptance and agreement. These are not one and the same. When I learned to be with what is, I was able to better see what there was that I could do, which mostly has to do with my vision for my life, my values, and my boundaries. It wasn't easy, by any stretch, and if I get lazy, my old thinking habits can creep back in. As I sit in my kitchen, mountains of boxes around me, I have a strong urge to scream about how unfair this is. But what good would that do me. I made a choice, I set boundaries, they were violated to the end of their rope, and so all there was left to do was enforce my boundaries. So, here I am.

I will leave you with some lyrics by Frances and the Machine, to help you (and I) "Shake it Out". :w:

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 06, 2014 12:37 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 21, 2014 9:01 am
Posts: 25
Oh my, yes, yes, yes and again yes. It is so easy to get sucked back into the good times, neglect the lessons, think you, him, both of you don't need them anymore, slide along and then BAM, something comes up that makes you realize that until you've reached a true point of good health it is all a farce.

These people are such excellent liars, of course it is easier and better for everyone when things seem to be good, but at the end they slip, you discover something still hidden, something new, old behaviors pop up and you realize it was just a show. Or even if not just a show, mostly a show.

It can only work if there is true recovery, true commitment, and as easy as it is to slide, and I especially have been guilty of that time after time, when the next slip comes it hurts that much more, you've wasted that many more days, weeks, months of your life.

And life is short, and ignoring the truth shortens it more.


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