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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 8:34 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
It's both heartbreaking and consoling to read about so many women's experience with their partners rejection. I get the sexual rejection and the coldness. I get that with fantasty and porn, there was no way that I could be as desirable as the addiction. I get that porn in particular makes men look at us in a negative way and judge us as undesirable and inadequate.
What I don't get is all the nastiness and anger. What is that all about? Is it their own self loathing they put on us? Is it their disrespet for us to for staying with them and believing their secrets and lies? Is it their fear of intimacy? Does addiction make them mean and nasty? Or are they just mean and nasty and basically abusers?

What do you think?

dnell


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 10:04 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
My H projected his fears and anger onto me. He grew to depend on his anger to feed his addiction - his need to self medicate with his chosen rituals. Even after he stopped acting out, his anger patterns would kick in. His counselor explained it as the Victim Triangle in which he would feel victimized, then become the perpetrator, then become the rescuer....cycled over and over. He had to learn to recognize his own behavior patterns. I had to learn to not personalize it. It wasn't about me. It was about his inability to handle/face his emotions.

Hope this helps,
Nellie


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 9:22 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
For my husband I think it was frequently a way of invalidating my opinion for himself. He turned me into an enemy who wanted to control him so that he didn't have to take my perspective seriously.

Also, there were periods of time where I really think he was grieving, and anger is part of grieving. There is a big loss that accompanies letting go of an addiction and that's hard emotionally. It certainly wasn't an excuse for nastiness. But I think that there are a lot of different reasons for anger in someone in recovery. Some good (anger at self/ consequences of addiction motivating a desire to live differently), some neutral (grief process), some bad (an attempt to control their partner and protect their addiction.)


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 10:37 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Thank you for the helpful responses. My h is much less angry and hostile now (at least by expressing it...who knows what he is feeling, but it feels real to me that he is less angry) than he was in the past. I do now see that his anger fueled his addiction. I do now see it as a cycle. I KNOW he felt "victimized" by me, which is completely nuts and inaccurate. I know that made him feel justified in his abuse. I also know he was not seeing me clearly at all for years and years. He saw me as inadequate and ugly and repulsive and was filled with scorn and contempt. It hurt at the time and while it doesn't hurt so much now, it does make me feel sick. I know it is not about me and I know I am not inadequate or ugly or repulsive. I know I was trying to be supportive and understanding. I know I was trying to reach out and create a bond but was mocked and rebuffed for my efforts. I now am very clear that he was protecting his addiction at all costs.

I was angry, even enraged, for quite a while before I knew about his addiction. I did get over that. I learned, late, not to engage in the ridiculous, stupid and frankly crazy arguments he would pick with me. I used to "joke" that he could walk into a room where I was sitting and start an argument, blow up and walk out in a snit and I would not have said one word. I know he unilaterally decided (and still decides) what I am thinking and feeling ( and it is always bad and negative). Frankly, I think its delusional.

So, back to the lessons and my healing.

dnell


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