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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2014 11:43 pm 
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We have been working on his values for over a month and he just can't seem to figure them out. He just doesn't seem to care about much. He gets very frusterated trying to understand the lessons aswell as trying to figure out who he is. Anyone else see this in their partners? Does it get better?


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2014 10:41 am 
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My h is excited about the lessons and I hope he doesn't get complacent. I'd be worried if he wasn't doing them or getting too frustrated. I'm learning to keep my mouth shut and let him do the lessons at his pace and not to "help" him. What I am learning, painfully, is that these addicts really do think differently than we do. I'm not surprised that they have trouble articulating their values. They haven't had them in so long and what they had was kind of a "fake" public facade. It seems like we're asking them to speak a rare foreign language when we ask them to identify their values. I wonder if they can identify men they admire so they can see those other values? I don't think my h can do that since he is so self-absorbed and doesn't notice men, only women (and we know where that goes....).

And, I am really starting to understand that the moment they feel anything "bad" (boredom, stress, shame, cold, hot, you name it), they have to RIGHT NOW feel better and RIGHT NOW search for some sexual stimulation and start up or continue their rituals. I'm really starting to understand just how addicted they are to this immediate gratification to feel better. So, they get frustrated about this work and boom, they want to go back and fantasize/masturbate/look at porn/look for women......

Or course, I think this is so immature and unhealthy it is hard to fathom, but it is what it is. I just feel so weary about it (and nauseated by it) that I just don't want to deal with it and need to focus on me. So the other lesson I am slowly, too slowly, learning is that right now my work is about MY values. I want to return and strengthen my values. I want to celebrate them and myself. I can't do that if I am worrying about my h. (Easier said than done, I know). When I am able to focus on me, and what I want and need, I feel more peace and more...well, more alive. I'm still trying to get away from my lack of energy and DO something, but I'm slowly getting there.

Rainiegirl, I read your posts and I feel the wonderful person you are. I bet we could go out to...lunch! Maybe go shopping. How about a movie. I bet we could have fun and enjoy each other. We could certainly cry with each other in compassion and understanding. I read in our posts about our pain and I so want us to feel better.

I don't know if these men will commit to recovery and actually recover. I know exactly what you are saying when they scare us with their lack of commitment or progress. It's really, really hard. But, I so want us to heal.

dnell


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2014 11:10 pm 
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Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
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Quote:
We have been working on his values for over a month and he just can't seem to figure them out. He just doesn't seem to care about much. He gets very frusterated trying to understand the lessons aswell as trying to figure out who he is.
I am wondering about your saying "we have been working on his values." Are you doing his RN lessons with him? Does he know that he can ask for help on his Community Forum rather than your being a part of healing process. This has to be his journey.

It took my H a long time to even post his lessons - he was fearful about putting his thoughts down for others to read. There were other lessons that he avoided or at least dragged his feet in doing them in a timely way. I had to learn to let him figure it out for himself although I did give tell him how important it was to me that he do the work within a two week time period. That was based on wise advice I received from a coach. My H got the lesson done if a few days. I think he was afraid to do this particular lesson - some pretty deep and personal work was required. Fear was an obstacle that he had to conquer in order to go forward. Took him several months but eventually he saw the value in what he was doing.

Hope this helps. :w:
Nellie James


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 12:51 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:49 pm
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Hi Rainiegirl,

I realize this is not a both-sides thread; I just wanted to post to say that if your partner messages me, I can give him some advice.

Cheers,

Boundless

_________________
"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where do you expect to find it?" - Dogen

"Be a lamp unto yourself." - Buddha

"The obstacle is the path."


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 11:56 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:33 pm
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Thanks Boundless I'll tell him. He doesn't like asking for help from others so he turns to me for everything. I have been helping him too much. He just won't do it on his own because he can't understand what the lessons mean. I try to find the best way to explain what he is to do and if he is supposed to try to recognize his feelings I just give him lists of emotions and describe what they feel like. Its really hard. Im starting to wonder if he has other problems beyond addiction. I was a sex addict for 24yrs but I still knew myself alot better then he does. Then again I am female and we are taught to be emotional creatures, while men are taught to withhold emotions. I just don't know what to think.

dnell you sound like such a sweetheart! I wish I could go out for coffee with you. I have no one here that could understand what I'm going through. I think part of what hurts the most is that I've been the addict so I know what he needs to do, and watching him struggle is frustrating. It almost feels like an insult. Being the partner of an addict is soo much harder than fighting addiction, so whats he complaining about! I just have to remember that his type of sexual addiction is different than mine. He isnt me.
I feel so betrayed by life that after all these years of struggling and finally finding peace, I get pulled back into this kind of world. I'm scared I'll never be free of the secrets, lies and corruption this addiction brings. It's so sad! If your husband is working hard on his lessons be sure to tell him how much it means to you. The best part of recovery is when you start to feel proud of who you are. I hope you two make it out of this. I might be in alot of pain but I know first hand that this can be beat. I dont have any of the same thought patterns I once had and my views on sexuality are much healthier than most of the population. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. Take care.
Rainiegirl


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2014 5:57 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
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Quote:
Anyone else see this in their partners? Does it get better?

I can see being frustrated as part of the process. My partner was overwhelmed by the task and didn’t really connect to creating a vision, nor to using healthy values to navigate difficult life events. Instead, he repeatedly opted for the unhealthy values (that violated my values). He was also angry that he “had” to do any work. Ultimately, he declared that he didn’t want to give up his lifestyle and didn’t see anything wrong with it. It was easier for him to allow our marriage to end and family to dissolve than it was to give up the ghost. Of course, this is just one case. There are people who have connected to the work, integrated it into their lives, and transcended their addiction. Time will tell. In the meantime, your focus is best on you and your own healing process. With what nellie james said, his recovery is his to navigate, if he chooses. My experience is that any time you spend guiding him or holding this hand through the process, is time that he doesn’t get to try it on for himself. If he doesn’t embrace the process autonomously, if it is always at your prompting or guidance, or if motivation is only stirred by crises, then he won’t get it in the long run as his attempts at recovery are misguided and misplaced (the focus is not on recovery, but on managing the environment which is what addiction is about, too). The concern is that when you are guiding him, if he doesn't get it it is now your responsibility (for not telling him the right way to do it, etc.) and if he does get it, he may associate his success to you and the moment there is a conflict between you, or if you begin to withdraw your involvement, then he would likely slide right back into it. In other words, his relying on you is an unhealthy dependence and removes responsibility from where it should be).

Be well

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2014 12:08 am 
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Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
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Quote:
He doesn't like asking for help from others so he turns to me for everything. I have been helping him too much.
His depending upon you isn't helping him. You can't be his mother or teacher, or take responsibility for his recovery. He will either do the work or he won't - it's up to him. Of course you value his health, and as his life partner his doing the work to become healthy is important to you. You can tell him that and that you hope his health is important enough to him to actively pursue recovery and accept help from the coaches on the recovery side. The ball's in his court.

Don't sacrifice yourself to his addiction. Focus on your healing. Put your time and energy there.

Hope this helps. :w:

Nellie


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