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 Post subject: nervous and scared
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2014 2:28 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2012 2:21 am
Posts: 112
I'm just gonna go ahead and say whatever comes out right now, because I am so nervous and jittery. I have been having little tiny panic attacks since yesterday... I'm scared. I agreed to go to a therapist with my ex tomorrow evening, and I am so full of anxiety about it. I keep asking myself what is it I'm afraid of, and I am having a hard time figuring it out. I have already been feeling not so good about our future, as far as being in a romantic relationship goes, because I don't think he really wants to continue on with recovery. it seems to me like he is satisfied with where he is now, which he says is no more porn or sexual activity with other women. Supposedly he started the 90 day no masturbation thing, but I don't think he has really stopped. he doesn't want to. Even in his RN thread he says thinks its ok to masturbate daily, but besides that, he already put up such a fight about it and even told me he didn't want to do any more work on this website. He asked if that would end the chances for us and I said yes...so then later he decided to continue the workshop, but I really don't think he is really trying or putting in real effort for himself. I don't think he even gets this concept. He doesn't get when I say the thinking is what I want to change, not just the behavior. So anyway I agreed to go to therapy, but I'm scared and nervous. Maybe I'm scared of him wanting to stay the way he is? He posted a picture of a shirt that he liked on facebook yesterday...it was a totally sexual. it said the ten reasons why you should date a guy like him (naming the sport he does) 10 reasons that were all about sex. 3-ways, positions, etc. I read it and just felt grossed out. Is that who he really is? he says he thought it was funny. Really? It was dissapointing to me but not suprising, I guess. Is that the addict who likes that shirt? Or the real him? It brought back alot of gross feelings from the past, and just picturing him masturbating makes me feel that way too. I don't agree as he does that daily masturbation is healthy. Right now, I'm grossed out picturing him in any sexual act. Is that normal? it's like I have a hard time believing his thoughts would be healthy and I just get an ewww feeling. Either way, I have no idea what to expect at the therapist, but I'm going to prepare for uncomfortableness. It will probably be just a one time deal for me to go together with him, at least at this point, unless I see things changing. I start to feel like I"m asking to much from him, but then I remember it's not about that...it's about what I will accept and tolerate and what's healthy, and he can decide to really recover or not. It's up to him. I just think he feels he is fine the way he is. And that's his choice. I hope I go in with the right attitude. With a healthy mind frame... I'm trying to find what that would be for me. Does anyone have any suggestions? Are there any thinking adjustments i need to make?


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 Post subject: Re: nervous and scared
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2014 8:10 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Hi Sammy - I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. Being a partner of a SA is indescribly challenging and so painful. I have had adversity in my life, but nothing like this. If it is a good therapist you are seeing, he or she SHOULD be careful about how you are feeling. I have had mixed results with therapists, with some helping tremendously (even when I hear painful stuff) and some giving advice in a harsh way or giving bad advice since they did not fully understand SA. My current marriage counselor is wonderful. I really look forward to our appointments with him.

And, whew, I am scared and anxious as well. I hate it. It comes in waves. RN is so right that we need a vision based on our values in order to feel better about ourselves and our lives. I get that. I am also so re-assured when the coaches, mentors and other partners tell me that it takes time, to think about baby steps, to not beat ourselves up. I think it is completely understandable that you would be anxious right now. I hope you can find some small thing each day to make yourself feel better. (Some days I can do this; some days I can't).

I would be upset and alarmed by your husband's behavior as well. I know recovery takes time and is difficult. I am learning, based on great advice from coaches and mentors, that I will need to see some of this awful stuff as just what it means to live with a SA in early recovery. Now that is really challenging. It's very hard not to take it personally. I do see the tremendous benefit of making boundaries and sticking to them. (I did that recently based on my husband's dishonesty and it made me feel better to follow through with the consequences of his violating my boundary around trust). That said, I know he is not honest with me and I now get that it is so ingrained for him to be dishonest. I think he actually does not know what the truth is SOME, but not all, of the time. And, that makes it hard for me, and for us, to think about how long we want to put up with this and whether or not they will ever get healthy.

I do not know the answers to these questions. I do know I need to allow myself to muddle through; to not know; to be conflicted; to figure out the right path forward; to find the help I need to do so; to celebrate the baby steps I make toward healing; to forgive myself for this whole, awful, painful mess.

Please know that you are not alone. I send you my virtual gentle embrace.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: nervous and scared
PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 4:32 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2012 2:21 am
Posts: 112
Dnell, thank you so much for your reply. I'm glad to hear you found a therapist you really like and feel comfortable with. The therapist visit we had was ok... I've seen her before on my own, before my ex decided to change, about 2 years ago. I felt like she helped me somewhat,she basicly said to create a vision for my life... as did RN, so I decided to continue on doing just RN. I felt as though the session was what I had expected it to be...more of like a couples therapy type of thing, to try to build a relationship again. I am not ready to do that right now. I feel like what I need is to continue to focus on my health, healing and growth, not bonding with him. I made an apointment to see her alone next week, but I decided to cancel it for now. I just don't feel like it's the right time, and RN has really helped me more than I can describe. I have never felt before that I have my whole self and that I get to decide what I want for my life. I don't want to loose that, and that's where I want to focus my emotional work right now. On me. And RN has given me so many tools and so much support. I'm thinking that I'd rather do RN private coaching instead, if I choose individual therapy. But at this point, I feel ok with just the workshop. I told my ex I really want and need patience and time, and I feel rushed by him to make a decision or to go to the next level, and I just can't do that right now. Anyway, I really hope for the best for all of us on here, on the recovery side, and partners side both. Thank you for your virtual hug, and give yourself one back from me.
Sammy


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 Post subject: Re: nervous and scared
PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 4:20 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2014 11:21 am
Posts: 10
like you, sammy, and most partners, i am struggling with being nervous and scared. the despair is often overwhelming. there are a few things i have found, in addition to RN, that have been helpful, which i hope it is ok to share.

1. i started to meditate, often doing metta, which is a loving compassion meditation. phillip moffitt's book emotional chaos to clarity has been useful on this end.
2. i am working on healing from trauma using somatic approaches. peter levine's book waking the tiger: healing trauma has been a good read.
3. i am planning my life as it is mine, not ours. because this situation is so devastating and our paths to healing are unique, i'm focusing on healing me and gaining financial independence, which has been a mechanism of domination in our relationship.
4. because this situation has sparked ptsd symptoms, i am also actively looking for a psychiatrist. i don't want to cover the symptoms, but i'd like some relief from them so i can more effectively heal the deeper wounds.

of course, the big thing is listening to your heart and heeding your personal values. that's hard for me: my confidence has been so corrupted through his behaviors. so, i am turning to books, friends, experts, dancing to reconnect to myself.

and we can do this. we can. we will.

peace.


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 Post subject: Re: nervous and scared
PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2014 4:32 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2012 2:21 am
Posts: 112
Thank you Sacredhearts, those are great suggestions. Thank you so much for your reply. You're right...we can and we will.
Sammy


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