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PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2014 9:01 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
I saw my new individual therapist today (fourth one after three other tries), and she was...great! I am really looking forward to working with her. She knows my marriage counselor and I gave permission to both of them to talk about me. I trust them (well. as much as I can trust anyone these days). In our first session, she did not blame me; did not label me as co-dependent and tell me to get to a 12 step meeting pronto; she didn't try to scare me "out of denial; knew about RN; advised me to "tell my strong emotions to wait until sessions with her." (I'll try that).

After I told my story, she said my husband had been rejecting and devaluing me for years. The addictive behaviors need to stop and then we need to figure out how narcissistic he is. Can he develop any kind of meaningful relationship or not? She said it is too early to tell, but I would not say she was wildly optimistic based on what she heard. She also said my marriage counselor will be very direct with me, and my husband, if he thinks there is no chance for me to have even a shot at a healthy relationship. While that is scary, it is also reassuring. It will mean I finally have confirmation from well meaning people about the chances for any sort of happiness with my husband. (My old marriage counselor really messed me up with bad advice, so I need to heal from that as well).

Did any of your individual or marriage counselors give you direct feedback about your partner's ability to have a meaningful relationship? If so, did it help you?

dnell


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 12:03 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
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Did any of your individual or marriage counselors give you direct feedback about your partner's ability to have a meaningful relationship? If so, did it help you?

Our relationship counselor told us from the very beginning that I might reach a point when I would say, "I love you, but I can't do this anymore." She told us that there were no guarantees that our relationship would survive, but she didn't place any blame or judgement on either of us. She made it very clear that my H was fearful of an intimate relationship and chose situations and women who were safe for him. In other words, he chose women with whom he knew he didn't want a real connection. She also made it clear that he avoided dealing with his feelings, stuffing them, and intellectualized instead and eventually became addicted to his anger. Until he learned how to deal with all that, he wouldn't be able to have a healthy relationship. She was, in fact, pretty brutal. Eventually, we each sought and found our own personal counselors and found that to be far more productive. Nonetheless, the first counselor really opened my eyes and my H's eye, too.

At first, I felt discouraged and wondered why bother if there wasn't a positive outcome which in the beginning, for me, was about saving the marriage. But it didn't take long for me to more concerned about saving myself as I saw where my H was in terms of honesty and facing himself. I became my priority, not the marriage.

Nellie


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 9:50 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Nellie- Thanks. That is helpful. My individual therapist is going to focus on me and me alone to not only heal me, but TRANSFORM me (just as RN is going to do) so that I embrace life in a healthier and stronger way. I believe this will happen with time and hard work. And, that is immensely more important that what my husband does or does not do and if my marriage survives or not. I get that. I'm still working on detaching from the outcome of my husband's work and health.

dnell


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