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 Post subject: He's hurting me
PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 9:02 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2014 6:14 am
Posts: 52
I need some feed back from anyone who has been there.

I noticed that he began to hurt me just a little after we began to fervently work on our relationship after the first discoveries 7 months ago. It was more rough than hurting. He has abstained from porn for about 6 or 8 weeks and we have had very little intimacy since my last discovery of his old lies and cheating 2 months ago. His addiction is porn and having internet sex. It seems to be mostly men who he wants to dominate him, but the contacts that he did have with other women was him wanting to dominate and hurt them. This has been going on for at least 10 years.

We have both been working RN, me more than him. The couple times we did try to be intimate was pretty much a bust because I don't trust him at all and he is unable to get an erection. Finally last night after some wonderful time with family I attempted to arouse him. For the first time in months I actually wanted him and felt like I might begin to try to trust him again. After he became aroused he began to hurt me. There was no gentleness, no love, just him getting turned on by hurting me. I asked him several times to quit and he would for a couple seconds then begin again. I finally stopped the session. He went to sleep quickly and I lay there hurting. I still hurt this morning. I slept in the guest room and the thought of seeing him after work makes me ill.

I am assuming he is replacing his porn and discussions with acting out and hurting me. We aren't married. Have been living together for almost a year and been together for 4 years. Do I cut and run? Will he ever be aroused by anyone without hurting them or wanting to be hurt? That does nothing for me and it makes me feel like I am just a piece of meat to him. He is very loving when we are not in the bedroom, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. My second marriage was full of sexual abuse and I don't want to ever be there again.

Who can I talk to that can tell me if this is a phase or if I will be fighting this particular battle the rest of our life together? Will he ever be turned on without hurting or wanting to be hurt by someone?


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 Post subject: Re: He's hurting me
PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 10:11 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Healme - I am in mid-stages of healing myself, but I do know that you can not let him hurt you this way. Please take care. I do not know what he will or won't do, but I want you to be safe. Do you have a place to go to to be safe?

Thinking of you with compassion,
dnell


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 Post subject: Re: He's hurting me
PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 12:19 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2014 6:14 am
Posts: 52
Yes I do. Thank you for your concern. I won't let him hurt me again. I just don't want to fight this battle forever


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 Post subject: Re: He's hurting me
PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 2:57 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
I know. It's so hard and scary and anxiety provoking and I don't know what to do. I do know that when I do focus on myself, I feel so much better. We really do have to get to a point that it does not matter if they recover or not. We have to know we will be okay either way. Only they can do the work to recover, we can't. I really do get that. But, that's incredibly scary.

And, I know there are certain things I just can't tolerate any more. One of those is being physically harmed.

You are not alone.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: He's hurting me
PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 3:14 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
Hi healme,

I'm glad to see that you have already determined that you will not allow him to hurt you. Your safety is absolutely the first priority here. As to if he will always be like this (I'm assuming that you mean even after he has chosen and become primarily healthy), I think it's hard to know what his sexuality will consist of when he is healthy. Obviously there is the option that he does not choose health. Beyond that, there is the possibility that he will chose health and discover, in that process, that this part of his sexuality is unhealthy and unpleasant for him and will work to change it to something he values. There is also the possibility that he will discover that he enjoys BDSM, but will build empathy and a desire to build a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship with his partner, and since you do not prefer that, will prioritize other parts of his own sexuality to enjoy his relationship with you. The last option is that he will discover that BDSM is something he enjoys and wants to have as a part of his sexuality; in which case the two of you will have a values conflict that you will need to solve together. Regardless of what happens it is critical that he learn to respect your sexual boundaries, and to value his partner's experience as well as his own. If he cannot do that, then he is not a safe partner. Be Well!
Mrs. Jones


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 Post subject: Re: He's hurting me
PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 5:36 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2014 6:14 am
Posts: 52
Thank you. This helps immensely... so I will retain my values and not let him hurt me and I will continue my path to recovery and he will have to follow his. Hopefully it will be healthy and if not I will continue on without him.


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 Post subject: Re: He's hurting me
PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 6:36 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
It may help to read a little bit about eroticized rage. I think this is recognized as a common component of sex addiction.


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 Post subject: Re: He's hurting me
PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 8:34 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2014 6:14 am
Posts: 52
Thank you. I definitely will!


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 Post subject: Re: He's hurting me
PostPosted: Thu Nov 06, 2014 12:40 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
You have received some very good advice, and I underscore your being and feeling safe and that you have a safe place that you can go to with a moment's notice. Make arrangements now with more than one person who can be a call away.

He may be on the path to sincerely wanting to make the changes to become healthy, but has a long way to go. He can ask for help on his own forum - just a suggestion that you might offer. Your only responsibility is to take care of yourself, protect yourself, set and enforce your boundaries based on your vision and values. Boundaries mean nothing unless you enforce them. What consequences do you have in place for his hurting you recently? You say you will not allow him to hurt you again. From my perspective, this requires planning on your part along with making your boundaries very clear.

Be safe.
Nellie James


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 Post subject: Re: He's hurting me
PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2014 8:34 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2014 6:14 am
Posts: 52
We have had long discussions on this and he knows how I feel about it. I believe he is truly sorry and this won't happen again. I really do believe him when he says he didn't mean to and he will not let it happen again. I have told him that if it does we are through. He has agreed to continue work on his problems. Thank you for all of your help on this.


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