Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Mon Nov 18, 2019 12:44 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2014 9:48 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2014 6:14 am
Posts: 52
After admitting a problem with porn and cheating on partner daily online with men and women there were months at a time of abstinence. After he was caught again he admitted that he could not quit alone and needed help. After 2 months of recover through RN and private psychologist he's decided he doesn't have a problem but will continue with the programs just in case. I am looking for closure. I don't want to ride this roller coaster forever and the change in attitude has rocked my world almost as much as the original discoveries. Have you experienced recovery or watched your partner recover after he/she has decided his/her behavior is not a problem?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2014 10:31 pm 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:49 pm
Posts: 1626
Hi healme,

What you're describing is unfortunately a bad sign. The chance of someone recovering from addiction if they've decided "I don't have a problem" is nil. Your partner is staying in his addiction. The pattern you describe is typical of someone who initially decided to try recovery with the intent to appease others (their partner, their therapist, etc.) and project the illusion of change, then eventually realizes that it's much harder than they believe (and again, internally, they do not want to change), so they then declare they "don't have a problem" which gives them an excuse (in their mind) to continue. The "but I'll still continue doing the program, just in case" is likely just being said to placate you. Unless your partner decides for himself to change, and you actually start to see that change in his actions...he won't change.

Regardless of whether your partner has an addiction or not, the real question for you is: how does this square with your own life vision? Your own values? Your vision for the kind of partnership you want? What boundaries and consequences will you use if your partner continues his behaviour? These are the questions to focus on...not on his behaviour, or trying to get someone to stop who has chosen (and it is a choice) to continue. You can't control what he does, but you can control how you respond to it and your own actions.

I wish you the best.

Boundless

_________________
"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where do you expect to find it?" - Dogen

"Be a lamp unto yourself." - Buddha

"The obstacle is the path."


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Nov 11, 2014 2:12 pm 
Offline
Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
healme, I am sorry this is happening to you. I echo what Couch Boundless wrote.

On closure, I have realized that sometimes, maybe all the time, closure is something that comes from within myself rather from the other person. I have spent a lot of energy on trying to get answers from my ex-husband and I have realized he has no answers that will make it all make sense. Even if he was healthy he probably wouldn't have the answers that would heal the trauma. Although I think that would be easier to deal with. Ya think? :w: He actually answers and has said things like "it's because I am really messed up." Then recants that later and somehow blames me, his growing up, his anxiety.....etc.

My ex-husband is still very much in the middle of all his addictions and came to the same conclusion as your partner....that he has no problem. He told me that a girlfriend told him 'you don't have any problems' and just had to tell me that. Stung. She later broke up with him, but still. Weeks earlier he was volunteering that he was going to get help. Just words. That was about a year ago and he still hasn't gotten help, although I don't talk with him much anymore about things like that. I can tell by his inability to function as a co-parent with our son and his avoidance of dealing with our divorce. Anyway....I understand and wish you well.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Nov 11, 2014 9:17 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2014 6:14 am
Posts: 52
Thank you both. Hard truth but I guess I already knew the answer. I will continue to work on me.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Nov 23, 2014 3:49 pm 
Offline
Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
Healme, I know how hard it is. Hugs. I am so sorry you are going through this.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Nov 23, 2014 7:49 pm 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3829
Location: UK
Hello healme
Quote:
Hard truth but I guess I already knew the answer. I will continue to work on me.

I feel your pain and wish you well, the truth of the matter is that addicts lie and are delusional
until we admit that to ourselves and then actually do something about it we are no good to ourselves so cannot possibly be any good to our "partners"
our "partners" are those from whom we hide our "reality"
I sincerely wish you well whichever path you choose and hope that your partner realises his loss and admits he has brought this about
he has / is damaging himself and that is his choice , but he should have given / give you that same prerogative
you have your life , please live it and live it your way , happily and with peace

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group