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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2014 12:48 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
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Ok, I don't really know how to explain this, so bear with me.

I've just come to understand that it might be possible for my H to have some kind of "challenge" when it comes to extracting the essential, expressing things and maybe even using language (not sure about this one, my feeling is that he just wanted to argue that there is no difference between "looking for" and "tracing down" ...)

Basically, for a very long time I've noticed that sometimes he just jumps into things like I'm supposed to know what he is talking about or he fails to give me the basic information to process what he tries to convey. For example, he says ... I've spoken to my cousin today blah blah and he has at least 10 cousins that I could think of instantly with whom he might have been talking... He does this a lot, even after repeatedly asking him to stop or even getting frustrated and upset with him.

Another thing that I interpreted as "strong possibility of bullshitting" (in the light of Dday) is that he generally gives a lot of details, a lot, some totally unessential ... and I thought it's all meant to distract and confuse me. Maybe it's not ... he just fails to grasp the essential?

Today, we've had an incident that made me look at things in a different light. What basically happened is that he needed me to look for some information for him and he explained why he needed it but as always he gave me a lot of details that did not add up so I just said I do not believe it to be the truth ... so then he gets angry and he gives me more information and I see how it makes sense ... the first information that he gave me was more about actual facts ... the second information was more about his intuition which was actually the motivation behind it all ... we started fighting as I tried to make him understand that honesty involves giving a complete, accurate image, also about interpretations, perceptions, intuitions ... he kept arguing that he did give me all the information from the start, he did not hide anything, intentionally or unintentionally ... it's just my fault for not being able to understand him and I always think he is lying ... yeah ... very difficult and complicated ... he just expects me to know things or to understand him when he fails to say what is the core of it .. I understand how frustrating it is even for him ... he just cannot see what I'm talking about ... he cannot see why I fail to understand him ...

Bottomline is .... I'm strongly starting to suspect that he might have some challenge with grasping and expressing the essential ... as in he is not able to give me the background information like he is expecting me to know it already ... like he is not able to see from another person's perspective of what is esential and not for the intended message to get accross. Also, I feel it in the way he gives so many details but fails to express the esential ...

I'm thinking if it's not some king of "deficiency" or underdeveloped skill that could affect even his perception/inferences/way of thinking ... I just know there is a very strong relationship between language and mind (basically we think through words and our way of thinking is structured as language ...).

I'm just wondering if there is some kind of "condition" that is similar to what I've experienced with him ... if anyone has even heard of such thing ... or experienced it themselves. Could it be a learning deficiency? My H says I want to put him down .... I'm just worried about him and if there is anything that he/we could do ...

Then again, maybe it's nothing and it just boils down to .... I don't know to what ... I just know that many times I had this feeling that it's so hard for us to communicate and I don't really get him because he fails to cut to the point ... which I don't remember to ever have had with anyone else.

Any ideas?

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2014 10:22 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:49 pm
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Hi ursula,

I'm not a psychologist, nor can anyone here give medical advice, so the only real way to determine what the issue is would be to consult with a professional, either a psychologist, psychiatrist, or CSAT, preferably with some insight into sex/love addiction.

With that said, in my own opinion, I have a couple thoughts.

Quote:
Basically, for a very long time I've noticed that sometimes he just jumps into things like I'm supposed to know what he is talking about or he fails to give me the basic information to process what he tries to convey.


My guess here would be that this is due to simple impulsivity. Many people with addictions are naturally quite impulsive and can be quite scattered in their thinking, so while something they're thinking about may make sense to them internally, when it comes out, it may be all over the place or partially formed. This can also be affected by some of the patterns common to addiction: lack of social skills, fear of rejection, anxiety, etc. Remember that most addicts struggle with basic communication and social skills, but that these can be developed with the right motivation.

Quote:
Another thing that I interpreted as "strong possibility of bullshitting" (in the light of Dday) is that he generally gives a lot of details, a lot, some totally unessential ... and I thought it's all meant to distract and confuse me.


Could be that...could also be an aspect of perfectionism. Trust your gut.

Quote:
he just expects me to know things or to understand him when he fails to say what is the core of it ..


Similarly, I'd chalk this up mostly to immaturity, particularly emotional immaturity. It's how a child or teenager would act when questioned on something.

Quote:
Could it be a learning deficiency?


This is only something that could be assessed by a professional after doing a full assessment and knowing his full history...which he'd have to agree to doing.

That's unfortunately really everything I can say. Keep working at this the best you can and being genuine to yourself.

Boundless

_________________
"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where do you expect to find it?" - Dogen

"Be a lamp unto yourself." - Buddha

"The obstacle is the path."


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2014 5:54 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
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Thank you so much, CoachBoundless, I believe your interpretation is more accurate and more sensible.
CoachBoundless wrote:
Many people with addictions are naturally quite impulsive and can be quite scattered in their thinking, so while something they're thinking about may make sense to them internally, when it comes out, it may be all over the place or partially formed.

CoachBoundless wrote:
Remember that most addicts struggle with basic communication and social skills, but that these can be developed with the right motivation.

I've always been puzzled by this ... How can he struggle with basic communication and social skills when he is so proficient with language and seems capable of engaging socially with anyone, at their own level... I think only now I'm beginning to understand ...
I remember him telling me things don't come out right, as he means them, and sometimes he gets very frustrated cause I always get him wrong. What I couldn't understand was that his proficiency came from pretence, he was able to make up very nice pagraphs based on what it sounded good or what it was expected. But he didn't care much, it was a game of showing off, of playing the nice guy ... He was not trully emotionally invested apart from the temporary excitement ... if it didn't work out, well, no sweat, move on to the next ... If there was any problem he would back off, avoid conflict, agree to whatever, pretend that he was not bothered, brush it off, say some nice sweet thing ... and secretly do whatever he wanted/thought it was best ... He had little practice in expressing himself genuinly ... yeah, it's easy to talk for the sake of talking, but it's all different when you have something to say and it's also important for you that you make yourself understood. Fortunately I start to understand these nuances now.
CoachBoundless wrote:
This can also be affected by some of the patterns common to addiction: lack of social skills, fear of rejection, anxiety, etc.

The most powerful pattern that I feel in him is a strong belief that I am after him ... I have this feeling that he is incapable to really understand that I love him ... he doesn't trust me and it really really hurts ... especially after all the things that went on ... Yes, I might also be guilty of some things but all of a sudden I had to wake up and see that more or less I'm on my own in terms of making sense of all the craziness around us ... so, I had to cope and struggle and find interpretations and try this and try that ... yes, many were wrong but even more were right ... I'm not asking him to trust my judgement completely over his ... but I need him to trust my loyalty to him, my good intentions and my pursuit of the truth, no matter from which side it comes. Ultimately, I want an equal partner, that has always been the aim ...

Much to his praise, these days he is not avoiding conflict anymore. We fight like there is no tomorrow. It affects us both. It forces us to work together to fix it. I think we might finally see things as they are, see us as we really are. No more pretence. This is the reality that's staring us in the face and that we could not see before because of all his lying and pretence. The truth is we are not very compatible ... it will take a lot of work and effort until we learn how to treat each other, how to communicate with each other... I don't remember any other time when he came to tell me we have a problem ... how can we fix it ... well, he did now ... I hope we make it.

Thank you again for your comments, as always, it's very helpful.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2014 10:38 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:33 pm
Posts: 50
Have you looked into ADHD

I'm not a psychologist but I do have alot of experiance with both ADHD and addictions. Every adult I have known who has both ADHD and an addiction behaves the way you have described. ADHD is often undiagnosed in children and adults who do not show the hyperactivity part of it. Impulsiveness and distraction with their own thoughts to extream levels that they become unaware of discluding others is common. The over attention to detail can be a red flag. Sometimes it might be because of excitement. Other times it can be a way of justifying something that they feel is false or wrong. Pay attention to what things or subjects he is giving too many details on.

Like I said, I'm not a psychologist. I have my expearianced from my ADHD son and daughter aswell as my ex(their father) who is ADHD and a drug addict. I also have ADHD myself and have caught myself acting this way to try to justify my actions in the past.


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