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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2014 10:25 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Sep 16, 2013 3:22 pm
Posts: 124
It's sure been one long year and a half since DDay. I've been working through Recovery Nation and am up to the monitoring part. I've stayed by my husband's side through an arrest, court, two months of electronic monitoring, various attempts at therapy, painful drip disclosures, and some really difficult intensity and boundary setting. I've finally reached clarity that I want to separate and am grateful to RN for giving me the tools to make a values-based decision instead of an emotional one. What's been really hard is that so many of my values are in conflict--my value of my commitment to my lifelong partner, my value of family, and my value of being a role model to my kids, which are in conflict with my value of my time here on earth and my value of actualizing my full potential. Of course, then there's the added complication of loving him, in spite of it all. And the added complication of the implications for our three young kids. But I've finally realized that I don't want to lose any more time, and as much as I enforce boundaries and pursue my own health, the fact is that living with a person with SA drags me down and is not a healthy environment for either me or my kids.

While I feel like he's been trying to recover in the ways he knows how, it's not fast enough or committed enough or sure enough for me. I feel bad for him, leaving just when he's starting to make changes and take his recovery seriously. But it's too little, too late. I'm clear now about what I need and it's living wholeheartedly and safety for kids. We've got amazing lives to live!

That's my long explanation, mostly to myself, about why I'm separating. I guess I needed to put it down in writing for further clarity. I've rented a home for me and the kids. I haven't told them yet, and am moving after the holidays, to spare my kids from forever associating the holidays with their parents' separation.

My question: Does anyone have books, websites or other resources for how to explain separation to kids? Or suggestions for what worked when you told your kids? My husband is not on board with separation and does not agree to any form of even age-appropriate disclosure about why. However, we do both want to do the right thing for our kids.

PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2014 4:05 pm 
Partner's Coach

Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
Hopefully there will be others with more information to help. One thing I will suggest is that if you are planning on divorcing, consult with a lawyer before you share anything negative about your partner with your children. Especially if he is not in agreement about what should be said. In a perfect world you would be able to talk to your kids about what was going on in an age appropriate manner and not worry about how it would affect divorce/custody proceedings. But I suppose in a perfect world there wouldn't be a need for this process at all.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 23, 2014 12:35 pm 

Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 3:31 am
Posts: 29
Hi there, I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. I will speak from my experience. I'm almost a year post separation. My biggest fear in pulling away from my husband was the impact it would have on my children. Like you, their well-being was my biggest concern. I'm not sure what age your children are, but mine were 6 and 3 at the time. They required very little in the way of discussion. I told them on my own as my husband was too unstable.
As yet they have not asked "why the separation has occurred however when they are much older I will tell them.
Your children can do well. I have only just let myself believe that to date they are unaffected by the separation. They're thriving at school and I receive comments all the time about how lovely they are.
Thinking of you as you go through all of this. Depending on your kids age, telling them may not be as difficult as you think.

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