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PostPosted: Sun Nov 30, 2014 2:36 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2014 3:43 pm
Posts: 64
Good morning dnell,

I read your post and my heart goes out to you so much. What you had to live with! I am surprised you are still standing. You must have made and are still making a herculean effort to be where you are today.

Finding a therapist that fits can be a matter of trial and error. When I started my healing I also encountered a therapist who I realized was not a fit for me and I changed to another who helped me so much. I think it needs to click and there has to be trust.
Same happened with my partner's first therapist many moons ago. However, I now think more on the lines of that he was not ready to truly hear his therapist. He went there for me and not for himself and he expected to be healed rather than actively promote healing by his own will. I also think he often needs to hear information from a completely different platform than where it actually derived from. I have come to see his anger that inevitably follows such a situation as a sign that a nerve was hit. And him being at a cross roads again to possible further change. But it is also understandable to me that there may be resistance. Lots of it in fact at times. And it would be normal to feel that when someone is asked to let go of what he still views as his safety net/escape route. I can only try to imagine what it must be like to have such bizarre 'logics' so much as part of ones thinking that it actually feels like comfort. So, so very strange.

Our stories and perceptions are very similar in so many ways.
Were it differs is that my partner always desired me very much. And when we were together he did not think of other women or used his fantasies, so he tells me (and I tend to believe him). Sounds wonderful doesn't it?

Sadly, as with so many aspects, what sounds and even feels like a good thing initially and probably even was at the time...gets twisted and used to fuel the SA. Which alters the meaning of this beautiful thing into something beyond recognition. I see it that way, because this is exactly how it happened in our relationship. Making love became having sex and then in the last years as the SA progressed became having nothing.

When we met, my partner so wanted his life to be different. Previously he had chosen partners/wife who were as emotionally inaccessable as he was. It fitted I guess. When he met me in his late 30s I was the first woman in his life who was not afraid to show love and affection and be vulnerable and trusting. In his words, he never met anyone like me before in his life. (Unfortunately what initially seemed a treasure turned into a curse over the following years.) Back then he even dipped his toes into the scary ocean of intimacy. I look back now and remember those glimpses. I remember him saying to me in wonder and awe: 'this feels like we are melting into each other'. And this is how it was for me too. Back then... But as soon as he had opened that door he closed it shut with a bang very soon after. Too scary. He was terrified of loosing someone/something so precious. No way did he have the inner resources to become so vulnerable and trusting. So what better way than to simply not to let it in? Destroy it even. This is when he first started to impose on me his rules of 'love'. he told me (yes he actually asked me to!) I had to measure my hugs, kisses, compliments and other signs of affection to match his comfort zone. So naturally we ended up without many expressions of affection at all in the end - planet icicle. Which of course also did not feel good to him and soon this too became another source to fuel his anger. At me, at himself...the world not being fair. Which in return fuelled his justifications to AO/seeking a frustrating relationship with himself rather than me. From then on he was in a self perpetuating cycle of self hatred - hope - anger - despair. While I found it harder and harder to remember any of the reasons why I wanted to be with him. I believe that SA's can sense their answers somewhere deep down. And they can sense there is something more fulfilling out there. Which would also fuel their frustration, anger and negative self image, because they do not know a way to get there. What a horrible place to be in....

Like you I have also been on the receiving end of seething anger and rage from my partner. And what struck me as a bizarre fact was that even though his anger was very obviously massive he viewed himself as being not an angry person. While I viewed him as the most angry person I ever met. Even when he managed to hide the anger or AO in order to control it, I still very much felt it there. That never changed to this very day.

I just read your other post. I am so pleased that you had such a good conversation with your husband and that he was willing to address this issue. It is a biggy for both sides. Anger is a huge fuel for SA and so is the perceived power imbalance which in return fuels anger...and so it goes on...and being on the receiving end is not a good place to be at all.
But for me the best part of your post is that you have taken action. And what a ray of hope when your husband responded in such a cooperative manner. This is brilliant!

But we can only hope that our Pinoccios will one day turn into real boys and then finally grow into real men. The image I have added is how I have come to view life with a SA. We are the elected fairies (instead of being viewed as real women) who are expected to magically heal them, while they are in a cage of lies and deceit...and desperate search for love and self worth.

Healing hugs.


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