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PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2014 2:36 am 
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I've been struggling with this issue for some time and I would very much appreciate any opinions.

Ever since Dday I've changed quite a bit. I've come to understand I have a dependency problem which I do not see any different from addiction. I used to draw all my emotional stimulation from my relationship or fantasizing about it. I've come a long way understanding and dealing with it. My H did not use his time as wisely in my humble opinion. He says he progressed, I don't know really. I do believe he is abstinant but I do not think he got to a deeper understanding of his addiction or awareness around his thought patterns. He has issues with being open (which he finally admits after one year), anger, sheer stubborness, pride. Of course he would say I have issues with always being right, he calls me narcissistic for thinking I'm always better or doing things better, etc. Anyways, no matter where he is or he is not in his recovery, I feel ready to let go. I feel resistance is futile, I feel like giving up in a way, I feel like we will never see things the same way ...

I've come a long way. From thinking I will die and there is nothing to live for to having a life vision and a plan ... from clinging desperately to him against all reason and common sense to feeling more peaceful and comfortable on my own. It took me one year but finally we have different bedrooms and days can go by without us really talking. I feel I'm ready to take the next step: stopping the daily phone calls. After Dday I was so irrational in my demands and desperate to divert my ceaseless thoughts about him acting out during office hours that I demanded he calls me every two or three hours. We had huge fights about this but it was the only way I could go through the day without wishing I died on Dday. Kicking and screaming, he finally complied and I guess it became a habit. After some time I realised it's not healthy for me and I wanted him to stop. He wouldn't. He stubbornly continued to call me for months and looked upon this as the end of us. I was also scared, on the other hand. Even when I knew it's not good for me, I was scared I would cut off the only way he can feel connected to me. I thought it helps him focus on us when he is away, it helps him stay on this side instead of sinking into his addictive ways of seeking attention from women. So I kept it up, always backing off about it, accepting it as his need, not so much mine anymore.

Now, after many, many times I backed off out of fear of losing him to the dark side, I feel a very strong desire to stop this practice. I feel it keeps me linked to him and I need to be free to have my own thoughts. Him calling me every two hours is a constant reminder of our problems, it just keeps me stuck. On the other hand, he says he is trying to tackle his problem with communication and sharing and he cannot do that if I cut bridges. He says he feels like calling me to talk about our problems or just to feel close to me. I think I doubt that in a way. When everything is ok with us he never shares much and our calls are just about him being busy, just checking in ... I do belive he might try this time to make an effort towards something deeper, however, I have little faith anything will really change and I feel so tired of this all, tired of even having hope.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel I would go against my own welfare if I allow him to call me still. I did not cut all bridges, I said we can talk when he gets home, face to face. I've never put boundaries to that. I just feel I need to be free the rest of the day and cutting the phone calls would really help me keep my focus on myself. It is maybe the last bastion of my addiction to him standing. I want to win this battle also, like many others before. After months of fear, pain and uncertainty, I feel ready. But he says it will really make things much harder, if not impossible, for him. I just feel I'm letting myself down if I succomb to his request. Also, there is a shadow of guilt thinking who knows, maybe finally he means business and just maybe it will help him change ... I guess the guilt lies in me putting myself first, before our relationship or his needs and I'm not used to doing that.

I would really appreciate some thoughts on this. My best guess is I will grant his wish for now but I know down the line we will stumble again and next time I want to choose without any remorse or guilt. I feel guilty even for that thought ... but after so long I can't really have much hope things will be ok ...

EDIT: After I posted this I had a few more thoughts. First, I questioned my need for him not to call me. I remember Coach Mel saying that detachment is lack of response to stressors, not avoiding them. So, I was thinking, do I feel this need because I'm not able to keep away from being sucked in again? Do I fear pain? Do I feel disapointment? However, mental health comes to mind and it feels I really really need a break.
Secondly, H called to talk about this. He asked what exactly must he share and how ... I tried to give him a few hints on what sharing means but then I quickly found myself thinking ... I can't do this again ... I don't want to do this again ... I feel this lack of faith and energy or the slightest desire to engage. It's like for me it's done ... I've went through it all on my own, in my head when he would have none of it. I think I do not believe in us anymore. I do believe he can recover if he wants to ... I just don;t seeit happening anymore ... the happy ending ... And it's like I'm done ... I don't have any more interest in sharing recovery with him ... maybe not even getting to know him as I know it won't be easy ... there will be arguments, blame shifting, tension ... I do not want this anymore. And yet, there is a voice inside that tells me maybe all is not lost ... but it's so feeble that I can barely hear it.
Strangely, I do not feel resentful for all those times I begged him but he turned his back on me. I do not feel satisfaction that now tables have turned. Frankly, all I feel is sadness and a need for peace and quiet, away from all the crazyness and drama of recovery, lies, manipulation ...
I know I will accept his request but I will not be able to engage fully. I will have a more passive role and I'm afraid I will give up easily. I just don't have faith anymore. I wonder if it's fair ... was it fair for me? I don't want to be like this. I do love him. I just don't think I can do this anymore.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2014 11:51 am 
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Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
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Ursula, we do change. Our relationship with our life partner changes. Our roles, our reactions, our feeling change. It is not what we signed up for. No. It's up to each of us to figure out if we can live this kind of life or not. We all reach this point where we decide, based on our values, whether to stay or go, and, if we do stay, can we accept those things that bother us so much. It's a hard bridge to cross, but we each have to do it. I chose to stay knowing that our life and our love would never be the same. That's me, my set of circumstances, my values.

I do understand what you're going through. Love to you, my friend and sister.

Nellie


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2014 7:26 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
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Oh, Ursula, I am so sorry for how painful and difficult these decisions are. Isn't it testimony to you that there is a part of you that feels hope, even if it is elusive or just a fragile thread? I guess my current thinking, which could change, is if I do make the decision to go I will still have that feeling of hope somewhere in me. I can't tell how much of that is healthy and how much is unhealthy. But, I think there is a bit of both.

I don't know when it is time to give up (be it some kind of temporary or final separation). I don't know how long we should stay. I don't know how much time is reasonable to give to our partners to recover. But, I guess it does not matter since what does matter is us. How much time can we wait based on our lives and what we want. I don't have the answer to this and I struggle as well.

I do know that I am not yet in a position to make a values based decision. I am still too emotional. I'm much less emotional than I used to be, but I still have a ways to go. I don't know if my husband will recover; continue to work on recovery; relapse; or just decide himself that he will leave. I don't know any of this. I know I am still not manging my triggers. So, I need to do more work on me. Of course it is utterly heartbreaking for all of us to be in this situation with our partners.

I do take solace that you are feeling more at peace and more resolved about what you want. I am slowly feeling that way as well. I need more time to heal. My husband definitely needs more time to recover. I don't see any easy answers right now and all my options seem painful. I feel such compassion for you and such solidarity.

dnell


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2014 4:19 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
Thank you both so very much.

Nellie, your words are so comforting because they are so true. I know I am exactly where I need to be. It's not the same place as yesterday and it's going to be different from tomorrow. Awareness and growth do come with a price, yes, but in the end they are so much more valuable than the things we are forced to give up on ... illusions. Thank you so much for being there for me.

Dnell, you are right, there is still hope deep down... but I find it's a much more relaxed type of hope, one that knows that whatever happnes, my life will continue. I do not see my happiness linked to him anymore. I get small pleasures and joy on my own. I do not need to wait for him any longer to be ok or even happy. So, yeah, nobody really knows how things will play out but what I do know is that they will play out for the best cause I will be ok.

Thank you so much for hearing me out. Sometimes that is all we need.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 06, 2014 8:24 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2014 3:43 pm
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Ursula, reading your post I empathize so much with what you are going through and I have been in many similar of the inner struggles and situations that you describe.
I decided during the past 3 years to just watch and see what happens. Pretty much putting my life and health on hold for the hope I held in my heart. It was something I needed to do and thought it was worth giving it my best shot at least.
But I realized more and more during those years that I was reaching the end. I felt that I was just about done here. Like you, when things were ok nothing of deeper value was shared, and when there was crisis then just enough was given to make me want to hang on. But while he was still heavily relying on the fact that his tactics kept on working to keep me in his life, he sadly failed to see that I was increasingly getting tired of going round in circles and feeling stifled by it all. Do you think your husband is seeing what is going on? Seems from my experience that our partners don't seem to look at us properly. Not on a heart and soul level. And after most recent dday it hit me just how truly tired I had become of all the repeats. So I left the relationship/home and I am staying where I am for now. But the whole process took me nearly 11 years. So for each of us the time scale is a very personal thing and there is no right or wrong. All we can do is wait for the day when something seems right and ready inside us. And the day will come for you. Reading what you wrote I don't think it will be much longer now until you make your decision.
Being where I am now I find the distance beneficial in finding my own balance. I am happier now than I was for years. This is a very strong statement to make, considering the often pretty grim emotional world I am still inhabiting at times (how unhappy I must have been in my relationship!). But for me this works and I have grown so much in the time since dday. I believe we are already leaving, before we actually are. If this makes sense. You describe this as being ready, loosing faith, stop believing. Realizing that happiness is not dependent on our partners. And sadly they did not give us a choice, but to choose the path on where we found this out. There is mourning in that also. There is so much grieving. But this too will pass. It's ok that deep down we still hope that we could live a life of shared happiness, because we have invested so much of ourselves in this love. But from personal experience I knew when I was ready to break away (temporarily or permanently I don't know at this stage). It was/and still is hard in many ways. I am not happy go lucky carefree by far, but I feel I am truly starting to rebuild my life. My partner is working on his recovery and I would be lying if I said there is no love or hope left in me. But I often think to myself that it all comes to late perhaps. Too much damage done maybe. Too many years of this drama and emptiness. But when I get these thoughts I try to relax and not get stuck in them. There are no easy answers. My advice is don't push yourself to make a decision. You are realizing how far you have come (you did amazing!!!) and how much strength you have gained. You feel that you may still 'give in' to his wishes and suggestions. This will not be a mistake if you want to go with that. I am pretty certain it will show you the way. If the pull towards this is stronger now than the pull towards a break, then just go with it. You will know soon, I can feel it. Trust in yourself.
Big hug to you. What an amazing woman you are!

_________________
NewDawn x
Giving up is not an option...
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
she became a Butterfly!


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2014 11:18 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
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Newdawn,
I'm reading your post on a farm terrace staring at the mountains and the vines staring back at me. I'm sipping my coffee slowly. I'm surrounded by life, all kinds of creatures, from not-so-little pinching ants to birds and game. I feel so peaceful, so in the moment. No pain, no fear. The past is so remote, the future is a haze. All I feel is joy and gratitude for being here, for living this moment. H is still sleeping, bad case of mosquitoes. We've had our two year anniversary weekend. There was a lot of sharing, teaming up, laughter ... I've discovered I make my H laugh. I've asked him at 5 am if he wants some tea to wash off the "sinful steak"... He laughed so from the bottom of his ... stomach and it warmed my heart. I thought I lost my ability to be funny once I moved in another country and given up my native language. Do I love him? I doubt I really know what love is. Nor does he for that matter. But if I am to ever find out, he is the best candidate. We've been through a lot. The good moments were the best of both our lives. The bad moments were the worst of both our lives. Sometimes I think our coming together was no accident. It prompted this painful process of awareness and change for us both. For that I have no regrets and I've made my peace with my choices. I know I'm exactly where I need to be and that gives me so much peace. I know I will feel it, as you say. All I have to do is listen to myself.
The most beautiful thing is ... There is no anxiety for tomorrow. I know it's not over but I do not fear. It's hard to explain other than ... I have myself. Thank you so much for your post. It was the perfect post in a perfect moment. Sometimes I get this strange feeling that all universe is in harmony and we are all connected from the little pinching ants to you, my friend. Thank you.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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