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PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2014 11:59 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:33 pm
Posts: 50
I have survived soo much in my life but I don't think I will ever truly get over this. Nothing on here is helping me. The biggest problem I'm having is that in order to recover from all of the abuse in my past I had to acknowledge how it has made me who I am and forgive. It became my past and I moved on with the knowledge that it was behind me and I would never have to live it again. It's what gave me the courage to recover from my own destructive coping methods and make myself a better person. It gave me the courage to start over with someone new. But I was wrong. I've been dragged back to this world where I'm always alone and lies and betrayal and abuse are my life. I will never have the comfort and security I have always wanted no matter what choice I make. If I stay I live in uncertainty the rest of my life. If I go I struggle to raise 3 children on my own without the education needed to get a job that we could live on. I feel that I have dug myself a hole by loving another. I've lost. Life is all pain without any comfort to be found.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2014 9:16 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 21, 2014 9:01 am
Posts: 25
Rainiegirl, you will recover, life is not all pain. I know how you're feeling, I wish I could be with you and hug you and send you the energy to get through this, but if you've gotten through the other things you say in your past, and you have three children that you love, you will get through this and you will be happy again.

Day by day, hours by hour, the pain is terrible but try as hard as you can to get away from it for a while, be with the kids, to things with them, try to laugh together even if you aren't feeling it.

Be strong, will pray for you


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2014 11:16 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:02 am
Posts: 63
Hi Rainiegirl,

I am sorry. So, so very sorry that you have been put into a situation that makes you feel this way.

I am also a survivor of childhood and adolescent traumas. Traumas that, at times, feel too numerous to count. For years I tried to deal with these traumas by trying, in every way I could think of, to 'get over them'. I moved thousands of miles away from the site and sources of the traumas. I got married and had babies and felt as though I had moved on-- that they were a part of a past that was no longer connected to me. And then I realized that I had merely been avoiding the pain. I had never healed from it. I wanted to be a better mother, and I recognized behaviors and characteristics in myself that I did not want to pass to my children. I started working hard on healing from those past traumas. In itself, that work made me feel as though I was back in those dark times. The one thing my therapist would tell me over and over again is to remember that those times were in the past. That they were no longer a part of my life... but then, during this time, I experienced another very similar trauma to those I was still attempting to recover from. And then my world came crashing down-- my marriage destroyed and abandoned, my values badly damaged. Once again, eventually, I felt I had to piece myself back together. Continue to heal from the past trauma and, now, heal from the new one. I felt that I was on my way. Then came Dday-- another trauma so incredibly difficult and painful that I literally felt as though I was drowning in it.

I have felt, many times over, that I would never escape the pain. That I would be stuck drowning in trauma forever. Or that there would never come a time when I could know that I was free from that awful, horrifying cycle of trauma- trying to recover- fresh trauma. Most recently, there was a day not too very long ago-- not too very long after Dday-- when I felt as though there was no point in getting up and out of my bed. Not that I couldn't, mind you, but that I could not see the point in trying. In that moment, I very honestly could not see the point in continuing to exist in a life that could offer me nothing but a sickening cycle of pain and struggle. If the struggle to overcome is endless- if you never actually overcome, but just struggle forever, then is there a point to continuing?

The only reason I could find, that day, was my children. I know that the single most traumatic thing that can happen to a child is for their parent to chose not to exist. Whatever my life was, however much pain I felt I was exposing my children to just by being in their lives and being so obviously surrounded by constant trauma and pain, none of that would matter as much in their lives as the alternative of my not being there. So, in that day and that moment (and for quite a few after) I clutched to that straw.

At some point after this, the words that I was reading on RN were able to penetrate the fog that I was in, and I realized that it is possible for me to be healthy. Not just move on. Not just recover from the trauma. But to actually be healthy within myself. Not to guarantee that I will not get hurt again, not even to guarantee that I can avoid the same sort of traumas for the rest of my life-- but that I, me myself, I can be healthy someday. And what that means is that when and if more traumas appear in my life, I will not feel as though I am being crushed by them. I will not drown. And what that means is that I will be free from that cycle of constant struggle-- because I will never again be knocked down by trauma to the very deepest most painful most hopeless parts of myself.

Nothing and no one can promise that you will not experience pain in your life. There is no guarantee that, just because you recover from your addictions and heal from your traumas, you will not experience more traumas that are just as horrendous - or perhaps even the very same traumas you have struggled to overcome. But you can absolutely know this: it is possible to be healthy enough in yourself that no outside trauma will ever have the power to rob you of the will to live or to fight or to heal. It is possible, even if more traumas appear someday, to experience joy and beauty and to live a full life. It is possible. It is possible for you.

You are tired. That is understandable. I wish that I could send, through this post, feelings of love and support and understanding and empathy based on our shared experience that would be so strong that you would immediately feel an overwhelming sense of being wrapped up in a blanket of those feelings. Wrapped in a hug that could make this pain a little less. I hope that knowing that you are not alone in feeling this way helps you, even a little. We can do this. We are tired, and it is okay to be tired. We have earned that. But we can do this.

River


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 09, 2014 7:45 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Rainiegirl, I am so sorry for your suffering and struggle. River's post was so compassionate and healing. I send you my virtual embrace.

You are a loving person. You are a Mother. You are a survivor. I do believe that you are strong, and that we are all strong, and that we will not only survive but find happiness and joy again. I know when it does not feel that way. Like River said, I know what it is like to feel like "what is the point." Therapy has helped me and is helping me now. I'm looking each day at something beautiful in the world to appreciate (nature, art, your children) and something silly and fun (my dogs, a funny book, your children).

You are worthwhile. You deserve happiness and joy in your life. While we may feel broken, we are not hopeless.

dnell


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 09, 2014 11:55 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:48 pm
Posts: 45
Oh how I wish I could speak words of hopefulness... it would be lies... is there support in saying that I am in your boat, Rainiegirl? and that we can cling to each other... River, thank you for your kind post...and dnell, I do feel broken... have been at this for three years... short of a brain/personality transplant, H is what he is and emotionally will not reach out in love or compassion...it is like trying to squeeze water from a stone...sorry that is all I can offer...


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2014 3:34 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
Rainiegirl,
I like you. I like you a lot. So, I will give it to you straight from the shoulder, as they say on the dark side. There is a certain toughness about you that really appeals to me. Maybe because I'm the same? :pe:
Rainiegirl wrote:
I have survived soo much in my life but I don't think I will ever truly get over this.

This is not true and you know it deep down. The evidence is in the first part of the phrase. You are a surviver, it is your nature. You will rise again one day for sure. It's ok if you don't believe in it right now. I know I felt the same. There had been months when I could not smile, not even a forced smile. None. I strongly doubted I will ever laugh again ... And then it happened, just like that. I was laughing my troubles away. I thought this is very funny indeed ... this earth is 4.5 billions years old ... it has seen dinosaurs, meteor clashes, cavemen and mammoths, pyramids rising, Mediaeval times with a lot of people being tortured and skinned alived, Nazies and genocide, Aids epidemic, ongoing atrocities and violence, millions of kids rotting alive from starvation or diseases in Africa and here I am ... thinking I can never smile again and there is nothing on this earth worth smiling for anymore ... yeah, yeah ... I've met this woman in the hospital ... I was there for being shocked to discover the nature of my H's latest search of videos. She was there because her boyfriend kicked her in the stomach until she aborted their child. She was brought to the hospital full of blood only to discover she has mental issues as well. Everytime she closed her eyes she saw insects and animals crawling on her face and she heard voices. She was desperate to get out of the hospital for fear she can't find anyone to give her something to do for a piece of bread and she told me she would go for days on end without anything to eat while her boyfrind would feast with relatives. Nobody seemed to care about her, she didn't have anyone. Yet, she was so strong. She impressed me so much. She said she must eat and keep her strength for the days to come. I would give her all the fruits and chocolates my H would bring me and I would keep the bread I would not eat (for fear of putting on weight) and anything else I could spare. She never complained about all this. Most of her story I heard when the nurses were asking her questions. The rest she shared in a "matter of fact" kind of way ... I felt so small, I felt so ashamed ... I felt like a spoilt princess. Oh, poor me, I'm heart broken ... how can he do this to me? Well, our realities were so much different and I felt so humble. She taught me dignity and endurance. I will always be so grateful to this woman and I don't even know her name. The day I left I didn't even want to go back home ... she was so miserable cause they would not let her go yet and she had no idea where she will sleep and what she will do when she did go out. I hugged her and she just started to cry ... it was the only time in two days I've ever seen her display any emotion. I will always keep her in my thoughts. When I think about her I always feel so overwhelmed with compassion and gratefulness. And I always remember there are people suffering all around me but still find a way to overcome their challenges.
Rainiegirl wrote:
Nothing on here is helping me.

You must help yourself. How? Change our thoughts, your negative, pessimistic view about the chances you have to make it. Don't say nothing is helping you. Say you have yourself and that's all you trully need. Don't sit with your problems. They will suffocate you. Expose yourself to different things, different ideas. They will change your mindset. For me reading helped immensely as I'm in a foreign country, cut away from anyone else. I started reading Dalai Lama ... compassion, empathy, connection, happiness, joy, all these concepts created a safe space in my thoughts, a realm of peace where I could retreat to even in the middle of crisis. When I would pick up my book I was with myself, loving the beauty and the serenity that flew from those pages directly towards my being. I started to see that we as people do have a foundation of positives and I regained my faith in humanity, I regained my will to be the best of what I can be to honour that in myself.
Rainiegirl wrote:
The biggest problem I'm having is that in order to recover from all of the abuse in my past I had to acknowledge how it has made me who I am and forgive. It became my past and I moved on with the knowledge that it was behind me and I would never have to live it again. It's what gave me the courage to recover from my own destructive coping methods and make myself a better person. It gave me the courage to start over with someone new.

That was a great victory over yourself. Today you are facing a similar battle. You might think you are up against your H and his addiction. In truth, you are still up against yourself. We are work on progress, as Nellie James says. We are always bettering ourselves. It never ends. Change happens all the time and we must cope with it, whether it is acceptance of getting old, acceptance of death of partner or child, acceptance of divorce/end of relationship. We are never done. That moment when you think, ok, I've done all my best, now I can finally live ... that is just an illusion. That is why it is so important not to wait for the planets to align, for H to get healthy, for kids to leave the house ... for us to be happy ... We must be happy in the HERE and NOW. If we cannot achieve this, it will never happen. We will just live with the illusion and we will have wasted all our lives.
Rainiegirl wrote:
But I was wrong. I've been dragged back to this world where I'm always alone and lies and betrayal and abuse are my life. I will never have the comfort and security I have always wanted no matter what choice I make.

Yes, you were wrong. You thought change does not happen. Now it's too hard for you to accept that it does. It's ok. Fortunately, change does happen, so even this state you are in will change, whatever you do. Ask yourself, will it have made any difference for you if ... let's just say for the sake of argument ... H would have died in a tragic accident instead of having his problem? Where will your comfort and security be then? Gone. UNLESS, you create your own comfort and your own security. You do not have anything else in this world but yourself. You cannot trully have anyone else or anything else... the only thing you are stuck with until you die is yourself. So, hang on to yourself, care for yourself, love yourself, comfort yourself. Be wary of your health. It is very true that these depressions, sadness and anxiety will affect your nervous and immune system. You need to help yourself. Be there for yourself as you tried to be there for H. Give yourself the same time, effort, compassion, getntleness. Do it at least out of a sense of fairness, even if you don't really feel it. Chances are you are too used to self-sacrifice to know where to draw the line. But, trust me, you can do it. You can draw the line and protect yourself from abuse ... may it be the kids or H. But you need to do that. Save yourself. Nobody will come to your rescue. Nobody but you.
Rainiegirl wrote:
If I stay I live in uncertainty the rest of my life. If I go I struggle to raise 3 children on my own without the education needed to get a job that we could live on.

Ok, feeling stuck ... no choices ... is that true? I think it depends how you look at things. Is there any way you can improve your education? Can you go back to school? Can you do some course? What are your strengths that can be turned into professional advantages? Are you a good communicator? Do you like to organise things? Do people find you pleasant and refreshing? What are you good at? What would your dream job be? Is there any possibility of starting your own business? What would you like to do? Think about these things, find a way to make things happen. Try to move towards being independant. As for the kids, you might be surprised but I think they would not want to know you sacrificed yourself staying in a relationship that made you miserable just so they can have nice things and more comfort. I don't know ... the material side is important, yes, especially when you have responsibilities but still ... how bad is this bad you imagine? Can you give yourself some time to stick around while you do something to improve your professional position?
Rainiegirl wrote:
I feel that I have dug myself a hole by loving another. I've lost. Life is all pain without any comfort to be found.

Oh, yeah ... boy, this sounds so familiar. It has been one of my core beliefs forever ... Life is all pain but if only I can find someone to take care of me, I can give him all of myself then we can live happily ever after. Yeah, right. Big mistake. For me it comes from my own childhood neglect which became addiction/dependency ... I could not see anything beyond being with someone. Nothing else could bring me joy, it was all something to pass the time until I can be with the one I loved. Take that away from me and I'm nothing. Nothing matters. Well, I've changed. Not only I find joy in life now but I have this thirst for it ... like I need to live NOW. I can't waste any more second, any more day. I will make each and every day somehow memorable, somehow special if only it will be sipping cold milk after a hot walk. Or look at the clouds. Or dance on my own.

I know you will find our own path, when you will feel enough is enough. When you will stop grieving for what you cannot have and look at what you have. When you will see that you are responsible for your own happiness. Then you will rise. I have faith in you. It will happen. You have it, as I do. You just don't know it yet.

P.S. Maybe it would not be bad for you to try the recovery workshop. I know you asked yourself this. I know it helped me immensely if only to keep the focus on myself... so I would recommend it with all my heart.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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