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PostPosted: Tue Dec 09, 2014 10:13 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 21, 2014 9:01 am
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I have made the decision to break up, and we are not living together anymore. He had started the lessons but never finished and while I think he doesn't act out at all anymore, he is still passive aggressive, not truthful, emotionally immature etc.

I am keeping on with my lessons, and it struck me that he had never asked me what my user name was here, never asked to see what I wrote, I think about a year ago I asked him and he said something like "it's your privacy..." but I think it is a good indicator about whether the other side is serious, whether he cares about your feelings and what you are going through, and is basically an overall sincerity test.

Anyone else experience this?


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 1:19 am 
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Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
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Quote:
but I think it is a good indicator about whether the other side is serious, whether he cares about your feelings and what you are going through, and is basically an overall sincerity test.
My H never read my posts even though I told him I didn't mind. If feel he had enough on his plate dealing with his own guilt and shame. At one point, though, when I felt he was dragging his feet, I printed out several lessons in the order given, and gave them to him to read. He read them and very sincerely told me that he didn't realize how much hard work I had put into them. He was not yet healthy enough to realize how deeply he had hurt me and how much work I would have to do to heal from that hurt.

Frankly, I don't feel it is about whether they care or not as much as not having the skills to show any compassion along with the fact that, if they are doing the work that their lessons require, that might be as much as they can handle. We each have different experiences....but I think it's best to not make assumptions about this. Just go forward with your own healing.

Nellie James


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 19, 2014 3:20 am 
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Thought I would throw in my two cents, for what it's worth. On occasion I have shared things from my posts with my H. But rarely. Only did it when I was trying to make a point that was easier to make by just reading out to him. Or when we had a dispute over a fact or time frame or something.

But it has been a couple of years since I've done that. I use the forums and the lessons for my own healing and journaling. I am happy to share my thoughts with others if they can help someone. But mostly I write for me, and I think if I were to write with the idea of him seeing what I wrote, I would tend to modify my words. Which I don't want to ever do. I want to be honest with myself and in touch with my feelings. Which I think is possible because he does not have access to what I write unless I specifically share something. And even then, I tend to just tell him what I want to share with him. I like that the posts are MINE! The self-validation and exploration I get out of them is really important to me. I get to write uncensored -- although sometimes I reiterate things for the benefit of readers so they don't have to go digging through past posts of mine to understand a situation.

But basically what I say about what I'm going through is mainly for myself. And I consider this a healthy selfishness. And if anyone can take away anything useful, that is a nice dividend too -- the idea that somehow I am giving back and that all the pain I've been through can somehow help someone else, by validating their experiences too, if nothing else.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 19, 2014 8:58 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2014 3:43 pm
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Hi, my partner encouraged me to read his posts and we discussed how he would feel about privacy or a possible feeling of being 'watched' if we both were on RN. I don't have a problem with him reading what I write. We agreed that transparency would be the only way for us. He can or cannot read them as far as I am concerned, as I write them for me not for him. Whichever feels right for him. Initially he was reading a post or two of mine, but he has stopped now. He read them to gain awareness and insight into my inner world. He hoped it would open his heart. It seemed like reading my posts benefitted his recovery efforts. Sadly he is now not reading them. And I say 'sadly', because it coincides with him regressing right now and closing emotional doors. This is how it is with us. So in a way I think that my partner's reading or not reading my posts reflects where he is emotionally. But this is not the only indicator and surely not the most prominent/important. I sometimes read his posts too, when I feel it may benefit a stage of my healing or our development as a couple. SA seems to be pitted with lots of phases, stepping back and forth with various degrees of emotional tolerance. But no situation is ever the same. I find it important to keep communication open about this. The need for privacy may change in either partner along the way. And this needs to be ok also. I think reading or not reading post can be an indicator sometimes, but not always. Depends on the person and how you live the partnership I suppose.

Healing Hugs

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NewDawn x
Giving up is not an option...
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
she became a Butterfly!


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 20, 2014 12:37 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
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I don't read my partner's posts since I want him to have privacy and the chance for honesty in his recovery work. I have told him he can read mine, but also warned him that they would be emotionally difficult for him at this stage in his work. So, I don't know if he reads them or not and at this point he is not engaging in honest or open communication with me about something like this.

I also write the posts for me and they can be raw and brutally candid. In an ideal world, we would not have to read or offer to read each other's posts, we would TELL each other in meaningful conversations. But, that's not my real world.

dnell


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 02, 2015 10:15 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
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I'm a little late to this thread, but I thought I'd through my two cents in. My H knows, and has always know my screen name, and I have known his. One problem with this is that, even with the best of intentions, you can find yourself writing with the hope of influencing your partner. It can be a distraction, wondering if your partner is going to read what you have written, and trying to dissect what they have written for hints regarding where they are at in recovery.

Quote:
I think it is a good indicator about whether the other side is serious, whether he cares about your feelings and what you are going through, and is basically an overall sincerity test.


Regarding this: this is a situation where you're applying healthy values to an unhealthy partner. It would occur to a healthy partner to be interested in your healing process, to want to know what you are going through. A partner early in Recovery does not have the tools to be invested in the healing partner's process in this way. They may care about your feelings, but they are unable to demonstrate that in a healthy way. They don't have the tools to cope with the hurt they have done to you and their instinct to protect themselves prevents them from pursuing this. Later in recovery, they may have the ability to ask for this information, but it would be the rare recovering partner (in the early stages) who pursued this information for unselfish reasons, and not to find ways to manipulate the healing partner further. So I would not consider it the litmus test of if a partner is sincere; I would simply consider it an indication of how unhealthy they are and how unfit they are to be a healthy partner currently.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 11:42 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2014 3:43 pm
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Ah here it is. I overlooked it and started a new topic. Anyone know how to delete a topic? I could not see a delete function..

Anyway, here a copy and paste of what I wrote.

I remember answering into a similar topic on RN a little while ago. Back then I was convinced that reading each other's posts/threads was fine for us. We had discussed it and agreed. Neither of us had anything to hide and reading or not reading was each of our choice. And either choice was fine. So far so good.

Now, about 7 weeks on I have realized I more often than not read my partner's threads as part of my 'keeping an eye on him' controlling behaviour. Not a good one! And it did get me precisely nothing. But I only realized this fairly recently when I started to let go and turned my attention to me. The compulsion to read his stuff is gone. My partner still encourages me to read it. Which I am taking as him wanting to show me his efforts. But there is no urgency for me now. A bit like take it or leave it. Difference now when asked to read a post, I do not give my input. I ask him for his. And if there isn't any then so be it. Move on. That's fine. Maybe later. I am done with giving him the answers. And I am pleased to notice that since then he seems to actually take on board previous info and act on it. But he is not getting any more from me like that.

This was the pitfall for me under the disguise of sharing and transparency.

For him things also were not plain sailing. His motivation for reading my posts and parts of my healing work was to help him develop empathy. It started off ok and seemed to work as a tool for him. But then my partner went into emotional shut down. Then into anger. Today it is a ping-pong between numbness and anger, sprinkled with windows of courage. He still continued to read my stuff and one evening he shared his 'insights' about one of them. I realized to my dismay that he had not read it properly start to finish. He instead cherry picked the bits that would help him fuel his current addict behaviour. He concentrated on anything negative and totally disregarded the positive. So I asked him to consider not reading my posts for the time being. After thinking about it he realized what he was doing and also admitted the fact that at this point he would in all likelihood still read my words through addict goggles rather than read the reality of my words. Credit to him for this self assessment!

Neither of us anticipated those pitfalls as both of us were too inexperienced. Now we both treat reading each other's posts with caution. I consider it a blessing that we recognized what we did and were able to talk about it. We have now both turned towards what each of us has to do for ourselves rather than feeding on each other. Which both of us did in our own way.

Just wanted to share this as it may be helpful for someone in a similar situation.

_________________
NewDawn x
Giving up is not an option...
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
she became a Butterfly!


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 15, 2015 7:59 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
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My husband and I have only been posting a week or so, but you are on the right track, new dawn!! The first day or so I waited for his posts to show up as sort of a monitoring of his sincerity with RN......now that I've gotten into my own stuff, it is a lot easier to let go of his stuff!!

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It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2015 5:36 pm 
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:t: :t: :t: well, it was short lived.......part of the roller coaster ride, I guess!! When I realized he seemed to be be distancing again, my watchfullness amped up again!!!

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It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 01, 2015 3:51 am 
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Dear Kajer, I understand you well. I started RN with a lot of answers and epiphanies. Some of them lasted, but others needed tweaking.

I have been the same as you a few times on and off. We as partners also have to let go of old habits and ways of thinking/behaving. Not so easy at times, but all we need to do is practice. I was getting back into what I now see as my own compulsions quite a few times. The watching....clutching on which was my compulsion and within that the reading his posts. But in the end I came round to realizing that the only way for me to not do this kind of stuff, was to truly be honest with myself and start looking at what I need and give it to myself.

This lead to detaching and refocusing on myself. Which in the beginning I did not want to do. I felt very sad to begin with. I mourned the togetherness big time. It felt like breaking up. Until it hit me that without him wanting to be together there is and was in fact never a true togetherness. I was mourning an illusion. And what was the point in that? I realized I had to accept reality and with that the fact that I did not have what I thought I needed and wanted so much. But that I had other things and new things to discover and build. And I looked at the brave, inspiring women here and I thought I can do this too. I also remembered one thing that I read on RN which helped me a lot. I think it was one of Jon's writings in the lessons. Along the lines that it has already happened. That was is - simply is - it is our reality of today. Guess I had my own fantasy demons to slay first. But I stopped clutching on and from then on I was off and running. I am not a happy go lucky human being yet, but I have more happy go lucky moments than I had in years and more zest for life. So not bad in my books considering the whole caboodle.

I tend to ask myself if my current situation makes me feel ok about myself (usually when I feel the need to ask that question I already know that something is off). If it doesn't then I look for the lesson I need to learn. Usually something I am not doing or have let slip back into old thinking. Easily done. When I am at a cross roads I put each situation into the palm of my hand. Then I ask myself what would be the result from what I am holding in my left hand and what from what is in my right hand. Once I made my decision of what is more beneficial to my life and well being I throw what is in the hand that is full of things that won't serve me up in the air with passion and then walk in the opposite direction away from it. (I do this outside in the open as i don't want any of that in my home). It helps me visualizing like this and actively letting go of the bad by this gesture.

Keep your chin up. You will do this.

_________________
NewDawn x
Giving up is not an option...
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
she became a Butterfly!


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