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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2014 4:30 am 
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Hello Folks,

last night before I drifted off to sleep I thought that in the morning I must share what happened today with my fellow travellers. It was something positive and an encouraging example of how the workshop lessons in the partner workshop can inspire progress for both sides.

My partner and I went through quite a crisis since dday as you can imagine. But the last 2 weeks I found especially disheartening after his verbal commitment that within 4 weeks he would show himself and me noticeble change and also he committed to making good at least some of what the devastation to our love and home and business that he has caused ... but then very sadly ....retreating into old ways and doing nothing/nothing new instead. I was at a point of wanting to throw in the towel. But we talked about it and I am still here hanging on.

Then yesterday my partner was faced with a family situation that caused him enormous emotional stress. There were several options of handling this, but all were too overwhelming for him. Because of the nature of it all, it was a normal reaction as such to feel this initially. We all do at times when we are in shock etc. But his following impulse of escaping into acting out was not such a normal thing.... He had flashes of porn clips going through his mind. But he instead chose to continue working for our business and not act on the initial impulse. He later told me about this and this is how I know. He also told me that he went to the computer to read one of my posts and that it kind of grounded him. And I thought, this is just so great! He could have chosen to watch porn on that screen, but instead he gave himself a reminder of reality. The reality of the devastation his addiction causes. WOW! I told him how proud I was. And boy was I!
This was all well and good, but he still felt no way near to finding a solution out of his emotional stress. But solving the problem that was causing this stress was crucial I felt in order for him to maintain the good stuff that was happening. This is when I remembered my lesson 5 about the stress management. And how I saw him managing situations. Well, he doesn't. He hides from them.

This prompted me to ask him gently if he felt that he was going round in circles/obsessing about the situation which some also not healthy member of his family dropped in his lap. Or if it felt that he was finding a solution through his thinking. He admitted that no solution was on the horizon, but obsession was very much present.
Then I asked him if he would think it may be a good idea to step back from this visious circle thinking and how he would envision doing this in practice. My partner was eating his evening meal at the time and all he could think of was as a solution .... to keep eating his meal. I asked him if that would stop his thoughts going round in circles? He went very quiet thought about it ... then realized that he can easily eat and obsess at the same time. With that - the shock of - flip! I have no coping mechanism. Only masturbation, fantasies etc blah blah. Flip, Flip, Flip!!! Classic!

At this point I remembered and brought in my lesson 5. And I asked him if he would consider reading it. He did. It was a real eye opener for him. But still he was at a loss. However, during the following gentle discussion we worked out some ways that would work for him to break a go-nowhere-cycle of thinking if it happened. He ended up with some real tools in his box! Something he would be able to apply to his existing framework of life.

I was just so encouraged at that stage. I realized what a great thing had just happened. In the face of big emotional stress my partner chose a reality check over acting out, he reached out and communicated with me over this. He made a step into active recovery at this point. And as a couple we had a positive, constructive adult discussion that produced results. So in one evening we were seeing individual recovery steps and a healing step for our relationship. I told him this is how I saw it and how proud I was of him. And that I regarded this as real progress. A little step that is big from where he is/we are standing at this point.

This morning I woke up and wanted to share this with you all. And I also told my partner again how positive this all was and how encouraging and that he did incredibly well. Then it happened........

it being... I felt I was loosing him. You know the feeling when they close an emotional/real person door that they had just opened? When you just know they are not talking with you from a place inside of them as them, but from the outside as the addict once more? Within an hour I had lost him and I was talking to the addict.....
I shared my observation with him. And he admitted it. He had stopped feeling positive emotions at this point. Any emotions much in fact. Then they got replaced by fear.
The old destructive mechanism had reared its ugly head. Something positive came his way and his inground reflex is to: sabotage it.

At this stage I was getting really concerned of him sabotaging this important step in his recovery. We are getting to the nitty-gritty here. His fear of not being able to commit to something positive. His inground belief that someone would abandon him even though they are feeling positive about him. Loving him. Praising him. That totally warped logic.....So what initially started off as a very encouraging incident turned into a massive insecurity tumble. All his negative self beliefs got projected onto this incident, how he should view it (from the addict's action platform instead of the recovering addict's platform as I call it), how I view it, how the future would look ...abandoned, bleak...... And in his mind it could not last. He was letting go of this good thing. Abandoning it. If he keeps doing this then he will always believe that other also abandon good things!!! Which we don't! Why on earth would we????
The old discrepancy.... I see love and I want to build on it - He runs away from it out of fear that he cannot maintain this good thing. I see a positive step into recovery and in my mind it is something he/we can build on - He runs away from it out of fear that he cannot maintain it..... and more created drama built on severe insecurity issues.

How will he recover if he cannot deal with this? How can he ever receive love and trust in love if he cannot deal with this?
So I encouraged him to post his dilemma in the recovery forum. I feel this is not for me to solve as I am working my thinking and logic from a different value system. I can intellectually understand the dynamics and I can understand that this is his thinking. The addict's thinking. But I think he needs help from others rather than me. From people who have actually been there right inside that thinking and hopefully also come out the other side or are pro-actively working on this issue. He said he had a similar thought. And I believe he is now writing in the forum.

Oh I so pray this is going to be a break through. I truly believe it could be if he wants it to be! He is reaching out for help! Surely people in recovery will not be strangers to this kind of situation. I am viewing this now as a gift. A great opportunity for inner change. Oh I so hope it will be....crossroads....please take the right path, please....

Have any of you been through something similar? How did your other halves come through it? Did they? Are they still struggling?

Healing Hugs.

_________________
NewDawn x
Giving up is not an option...
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
she became a Butterfly!


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2014 9:13 am 
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Newdawn - Oh how I can empathize with your post. It is so achingly familiar. The roller coaster of emotions in this approach/avoidance dance we do with our partners. It does sound like it was different for both of you, these conversations, especially for you. And, that sounds like a good thing. I believe that the addiction behaviors, while serious, profound and utterly destructive, are equally matched by the intimacy disorder in these men. I think my husband craves intimacy, though it is not clearly defined for him and not defined in a healthy way, but distrusts and fears it even more. I believe that when they actually FEEL love, acceptance, compassion from us, they only let that good feeling in for a moment and then they are flooded with bad feelings: mostly anxiety, fear, paralysis. Then, they HAVE to distance themselves from us. I can just feel the moment, as you describe. Now I can also hear it and see it. It happens fast, this moment, and the intensity seems to be directly related to how good the stuff was we gave them. In this moment, I am rejected. Always. Usually I am devalued as well. I now see and feel how much my husband must distance himself from me whenever there is true intimacy. It's powerful and painful.

Add in to all of this the fact that the only way our husbands have to cope with feelings is their compulsive rituals. So, I believe they do not yet have the skills or abilities to self soothe that do not involve their addiction. I get what Jon has told us. They need awareness, they need to stop the rituals, they need to develop healthy ways to manage their lives, they need to be aware of and apply those healthy ways, and they need practice. That is going to take time. Lots of time. Lots of hard work. I am convinced my husband can't do this alone and must stay in therapy with a very good therapist to learn how to do this. In conjunction with his work on RN, with sincerity, he has a chance.

Now I know that all of this painful, destructive thinking and behavior is due to early childhood trauma. That allows me to be compassionate, but really lets me off the hook. It's not my fault. It's not because I am unlovable or inadequate.

So, I do not have a success story at this point. I think the success is our recognition of what is happening. Our success is realizing it is NOT AOUBT US. Our success is doing this differently. Now when I realize I want empathy or compassion or connection, I just let it go. Or, I realize I can risk asking for it and I will be rejected. I also now know that I can offer love and support, and do so just because it is consistent with my values and who I am as a loving person, and know I will be rejected. So, I have to be careful in how much and how often I do act loving and supportive. It's kind of awful to be this way, to hold back on our love and warmth, but it is also a good thing to finally think of myself and protecting myself.

Can these patterns change? Well, yes, since I am changing. Can our husbands change? Well, yes, but only if they sincerely want to. Can we wait for the long time it will take for them to change? Don't know the answer to that yet.

I send my virtual embrace.

dnell


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2014 10:43 am 
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Dear dnell, I always truly value your posts. I can feel that you understand. And you are always an inspiration to me.

I totally agree that there are simply not enough tools in the box for our partners to handle this sort of thing efficiently and pro-actively at this stage.... receiving the positive which entails for them learning how to trust this and also learning how to maintain it...scary stuff......

But nevertheless I am really excited and positive about what happened. Even though he closed the doors and him taking a holiday in 'no-feel-land' right now. We are still talking and he is still reaching out. What more could I ask? I think this is brilliant! He is aware of what is happening inside him and why. But he is not yet capable of moving through this. It's too big and I can totally see that. And I am at a point now in my journey where I don't feel rejected as a person any longer by his behaviour.
In fact I am feeling very encouraged by it all, despite his panic stricken behaviour.
I have told him on numerous occasions my opinion that since dday the 'downside' for him now is that he brought me into the equasion. The real me, not the fantasy me. The me who is not dancing to his whistle any longer. The possibility of achieving his life vision and gaining use of new values have suddenly become very real. And the threat of loosing me is also very real as it just has gone on too long and has affected my love and trust in too many ways. But I am here and I am committed to giving him a chance.
Writing visions and values down in RN lessons and being faced with the reality of doing it are a bit like fantasy vs reality for him imo. Now he is faced with having to commit. Talk about paralyzed rabbit caught in a headlight. Fight or flight? But this is ok with me. What counts now is if he truly actively wants to learn new skills and thought patterns. Whether he will actively make his vision come true by integrating new values into his life that will make him feel proud of himself more and more, etc We will see. I am aware that anything can still happen from now on. But I won't deny that I am hopeful. If I am misguided then I know I can handle this also.

But I refuse to be caged in with my positive/loving responses. I was what I look back on as being 'a living dead' for too many years. Always being told not to show affection, not too show too much love, not to show too much affection to the boys even as he felt inadequate in that way and if I showed more love he felt devalued as a father....this was too crazy for too long. I am more me now thatn I have been for donkey's years. And I don't have it in me to hold back on my responses any longer. If something good happens I will express my feelings in praise and affection. If I think he is bullshitting himself and with that also me, then I will let him know this too in no uncertain terms. And if I am wrong on something then I want him to tell me that also.
I don't have the same kind of love for him as I did in the past so I won't swamp him with loving affection and I am not eager to jump in and cling onto false hopes, I am far too cautious still. So my tentatively moving towards him again step by step, will hopefully be something he can learn to deal with/feel more comfortable with over time. I don't expect him to sustain me emotionally. I have learned to be kind to myself by now and I can 'bridge the gap' by myself.
But ...now watch me hopping onto my soapbox ..haha...not meant like that, but may come across as that.....anyway, I do not expect him to be the 'finished article' at all and this is something I also made sure that he knows this. That would be warped crazy thinking on my part and would mean that I haven't understood a bean about his condition. I have realized that the magnitude of such destructive behaviour needs a magnitude of counteracting changes. And what was cultivated, developed and constantly reinforced for over 40 years of his life will not be solved with one single epiphany in 40 mins. But it's a start.
Because of what we talked about and agreed upon as a couple, I do fully expect him to communicate if my responses scare or overwhelm him at any point. So we can find a way forward. Or to communicate his struggles on RN if this is more appropriate in any given situation. Or do both so he take or leave what he needs from both sources. In other words I expect him to be pro-active. And I am fully expecting him to want to learn and prove to himself that he is committed to his learning and the teachings that are out there for him to grab. I want to see him try hard even if success is not always the outcome. I just need to see him try with all his heart. That's more than good enough for me. If it isn't working one way then I want to see him try another way and not give up at the first hurdle. May sound harsh, but these are my ground rules for regaining what we have lost. And our relationship is on the rocks big time. We are in a partnership (even though living apart for now at least) and even when he is the addict I have my needs too. It cannot only be about him. Not in a partnership. This is my opinion. He has his expectations and ground rules too. Mainly for me to bear with him and accept him at the different parts in his journey and be there for him when he needs me and sometimes to give him a gentle nudge sometimes when is a bit off course. And to keep my side transparent too. Totally fair do! I accept his stuff and where he is at any point and he accepts mine. And if there are problems then we talk and there has to be total transparency. That's the deal. Our commitment to each other. And we are lucky in that we can talk. We never stopped communicating. Not always leading anywhere good or anywhere at all, but we have that to nurture and build on.

I told him earlier today that even though he closed the emotional doors right down by now, that regardless of this, that for the first time in years I am starting to believe in him again. And this is what is new in my heart. It is my emotional response to seeing him pro-active and the result of us as a couple having for once a two sided adult, constructive discussion that actually produced results. His reaction to my telling him that I started to believe in him again....well,... he did not even acknowledge what I had said to him!!! and started to talk about feeding our dogs.... I thought that maybe he did not hear what I had said. So I simply asked - turns out he did hear it and panicked. I thought as much. Told him that was fine, not unexpected and would not change a thing about how I feel.
I view what is happening as positive and what he makes/we make of it will determine if this is a break through or not. There is every chance it could develop into one. He knows I am ok with how it is. And you know what the amazing thing is for me also? To my surprise I really am ok with it as it stands right now. Truly and whole heartedly. And this shows me not only that he is actively working on his recovery again (he went through close to 4 weeks of bullshitting and avoidance behaviours prior), but also how far I have come.

Oh and he is seeking help on RN.

All good :)

Healing Hugs.

_________________
NewDawn x
Giving up is not an option...
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
she became a Butterfly!


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2014 11:29 am 
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 7:35 am 
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Update....24 hours later to recovery progress day: Regression far back to what have been our most traumatic days, many years back! My partner's success yesterday and feeling good about his achievement for once, my committing to giving him/us a chance and moving towards our relationship... and I totally lost him. He went into total retreat from everything. Numb. Gone from planet reality. He could not even speak and when he tried he sounded like a living dead. It was awful for both of us. And then a sudden shift to:Seething Anger! As so often in the past I was suddenly made the scapegoat for everything - including his ingrown toe nail! He started using what would be good RN advice/recovery tools and my affectionate emotions and what we talked about together (false intimacy again) as a tool to manipulate/blackmail me. I recognized it straight away, because I felt emotionally abused! The new me is not so blindfolded any more. And it terrified me what I saw. And the scary thing was also how fast it happened. One minute we are having a normal conversation and within seconds he turned into a full blown addict over seemingly nothing! Lack of transparency on his part sadly lead me to believe there was no apparent reason for his shift. Later I learned that he had bottled so much stuff up again. Not telling me by excuse of 'not important', 'just a blip', shouldn't feel this way so I just pretend I don't'. Aaaaaarrrrgh! I am still reeling from the speed of his mind shift. We had moved on from this point I had believed...obviously my delusional perception at work, based on lack of self awareness and transparency on his part.

This morning we talked more. But I was still talking to a living dead. I could not really feel anything from positive him. But a bit later then again seething anger. Have you have experienced your partner saying the right words, but you feeling they are carrying a threat? Like, if you don't believe my words I will hate you big time (based on?.....I need you to believe me, because I don't really buy this bullshit myself!). This is so creepy when this happens. You think you are imagining it. How can the right words such a threat? Such anger? And sadly I am only too familiar with this kind of speaking. It makes me shudder and in the past it also made me scared of him and what he may do to me should I not 'obey' at that point.

After some probing he admitted that he actually hated me. So there we have it. He says he is angry at himself for his lack of committment and that my leap of faith and my 'committment to committment' is showing him up in a bad way. He is maybe realizing that he has 'gone through the motions' with his lessons and recovery work and not had the will power and courage to put recovery into action in his life. Realizing that is a good thing imo, as it opens the option for him to change this behaviour. But he is not seeing it this way at the moment, but choosing to hide in self loathing and hatred for me. I know he does not truly hate me. It is just a well practiced way of not having to face the truth and then act on it in a way that promotes recovery. He is choosing addiction over recovery right now.

Oh boy, he hates me for doing my healing work and rebuilding my life. He hates me for working hard on the business and feeling better about myself each day. He hates me for opening my heart to him. He hates me for taking his hand that reached out to me and saying 'yes' to him. He always hated me like that. Nothing new unfortunately. And since inviting me into his journey by confessing on dday he hates me so much for embracing my chance of learning, changing and becoming a more compassionate person for both of us. He hates me because I bounced back from dday faster than from previous ddays. He hates me for not going to pieces, but rather picking up the pieces. What can I do? Not heal. Sorry, but no-can do.

Before I left home to care for my parents he used to hate/accuse me big time for 'being the cause' for our business failing and the ruin of our home and finances. I have been away now for 6 months now. And should he not have turned it all around? This was his chance wasn't it? To show me what a spanner in the works my person always was? How well he would manage now that I am gone? Well, fact is the business is on its last legs now and the house (It stopped being my home years ago so I just call it 'the house') reflects every part of his chaotic mind. This is one reason why I chose to stay away from home in my little flat here which is more and more becoming my sanctuary.

Should looking around him and his life not be proof enough for him that his little theories are bullshit? Fantasy? But no! He still makes me the scapegoat for all of it and more. I am being hated for being.... me....an all too familiar scenario. And I am more me now than in years, so you can imagine.. :t: . And he has again started to project his own thought patterns onto me. Complete bullshit of course. But this is what he needs to excuse his acting out/staying put in addiction. I know it well and he described the dynamics himself in his lessons. So no excuse really for him still pretending not to know. He just chooses not to look! So imo he is preparing himself for relapse. Same old, same old....

But in all of this I do not feel offended, nor do his feelings take away parts of my person or new life, in fact part of what I feel is love. It feels like love for a child. Very caring and my heart goes out to him (he hates me big time for being able to feel this way too, by the way!...can't win here.). Such a tortured soul! What an awful, bleak place to be. And right now he is tragically in his warped mind he is hanging on for dear life (sabotage of recovery more like, in my mind) to the most devastating thing to his life: Addiction. He is only a hair breadth from relapse. A blind person can see it, but not him. Denial at its best. He has totally blindfolded and incapacitated himself. It hurts me to see this. Not his hatred hurts me, but this does. I am hurting for him and for me and for us as a couple.

He has such a wonderful opportunity here. The chance to create a better life for himself. To build on some progress he only made yesterday. He felt good yesterday. it gave him wings. ..... But yet again he made a complete U-turn and is now careering down his chosen path towards mother addiction.....
I pray he will be able to stop himself. I suggested for him to go into his forum again or pm his coach. My partner read to me this morning the advice that coach Kenzo gave him many months ago with regards to confessing to me. When he read this advice to me I thought what a difference it would have made if he had taken coach Kenzo's advice!!!!!!! I would be home now by his side. Not here. Oh how I would have admired him for living coach Kenzo's advice!!! What a committed person I would have seen. A person with courage and spine! My partner being on RN is what made me give him a chance, but I chose to live apart. But if he had adhered to the great advice he has been given then this would have been so amazing! But he threw the advice in the bin instead, watched porn and created more chaos..., so there is reality .... But it sure would have made the world of a difference to me on dday had my partner taken the advise of a wise man who has been there himself, my partner instead chose to act out until and behave like an addict virtually up to dday. And the consequences for this is what his/my/our life is right now..... Oh how tragic are all these missed big chances, big opportunities that will never come again in the same time- and life frame. Just discarded...

Going through the motions, talking the talk, but not having the courage to apply tools in a recovery promoting way will mean he could be doomed and with that we are doomed as a couple. So I hope that RN can help him at this crucial point.

Unlike for many SAs here who have never confessed openly before, for my partner it is really not something new to remember his past and give an account of what he did and what happened to him in his childhood and onwards. Most of what he said in his lessons I already knew. The only big gap I had to fill was the recent secrecy shrouded relapse year. Other than that - heard most of it before. To him it is all new. It always is after a crisis or the occurring wish (not will) to change. Every single time the same old stuff is a new revelation to him. So bizarre. And I fear doing his lessons up till now was exactly that. Going through the motions. One thing that was new and totally valuable from his lessons here on RN was that they gave him tools. But he did not pick them up in a committed way imo. If it wasn't like that how come he fails to see the tools he has got in his box. RN has taught him insight, mechanisms and some tools. He may not have them all yet, but there are at least some. But he will not pick them up and use them. He thinks he is helpless. The addict.... :t:

He is angry because he feels that he may have to go back to square one. So what?! Do it if it helps! And be grateful that you realized this at lesson 18 and not at lesson 70! But has he realized? I mean truly? I still doubt it if I am totally honest.

But 'nuff said' - the next few hours are for me. I need to take a deep breath here now and be nice to me. I think 2 triple chocolate muffins, a walk by the sea and some creative work are just the ticket! :sat:

Thanks for letting me vent. Phew!!!

Healing Hugs.

_________________
NewDawn x
Giving up is not an option...
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
she became a Butterfly!


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 11:25 am 
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Newdawn,

Quote:
I think 2 triple chocolate muffins, a walk by the sea and some creative work are just the ticket!


What excellent ideas! Can I join you? This sounds wonderful. We could take your dog. My little dog is too old and my big dog too anxious, but I would enjoy you and your dog. Triple chocolate muffins...hmmm, might just have to pop out and find some.

Anger, blaming, hatred, shutting down. Sigh. Addict behavior in spades. At least we now understand that it is NOT us, but the addiction. I am learning to take a break from all of this (thank you RN!) when it happens, and taking it more quickly than in the past. Of course I get impatient and, being me, I just want to TALK about all of this and then wouldn't it all be better? Well, yes, for people like you and me it would, but not for our husbands.

As you know, I have been struggling with the feelings of hatred. I think most of it is projection of their self-loathing; I think some of it is real hatred of women in general; and I do think some of it is actually hatred of me. Is it rational? No, not at all. Do I think my husband is even completely conscious of this? No, not completely.

I am learning just how distorted my husband's thinking is. In a MC session, my husband hears me and the counselor say something that we did not say. The counselor has pointed this out to him. It's spooky, but real. He does not hear the words that come out of my mouth; he hears something different, and it is ALWAYS negative. He believes all sorts of things that are not true. But, since he doesn't tell me about it, I just get the blowback from these lies and distortions. And that blowback is blaming, hatred, anger..... Nothing I can do about that except protect myself and not get engaged or end the destructive dance. Really, these guys believe so much of their own BS. I don't think it is possible to be open and honest with us, or even recognize what that looks like, until they can stop believing their own lies. I can understand some of this due to my recovery from my own substance addictions, but, honestly, I can not comprehend just how distorted and warped the SA mind is. How in the world can they begin to address their fear of intimacy when they are so lost in their heads in their lies and obsessions? There is a path to health for them, RN shows them the path, and they must decide to take it and be sincere about it.

In the interim, while we wait and see, what else can we do but take care of ourselves. And, we risk their not being sincere and recovering; and they risk our patience and ability to stick it out. In the meantime, yes, let's get those muffins and go to the seashore.

dnell


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 3:55 pm 
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Dnell, yes let's get together and put some choccie muffins on our hips! and we can slowly poodle along the seafront and walk all 3 dogs together :w:

Yep the addict is totally back. And the addict needs a fix - badly. Oh boy, and the anger...well this is not normal anger either...this is about 45 years of pent up anger...a vulcano! Today I was glad I am not in close proximity to him. My choosing a separation, for now at least, really helps me a lot in my own healing and forces him to figure things out on his own more.

Today was tough. He was a hair breadth away from watching porn again. He told me this (so at least he still willing to talk, even though after that he turned on me again, but hey-ho). And thank goodness his anger then turned against the porn so he gained another time of abstinence at least for now!!! This was anger in its positive function. But he is still not far from relapse. Real crisis and totally stuck.

And for me, well I could do absolutely nothing right and I am feeling a bit pummelt by it all now. Even my support and understanding caused him to hate me more and turn on me. If this goes on much longer I will have to be injecting chocolate muffins intravenously from a constant drip bag... haha.
Like you I like to talk and I have the same mindset behind it like you have. And sometimes it feels good to talk. But today I realized that I am not the one who can reach him in this one. No matter how hard I try. He has elected me prime scapegoat, and hey! What do I know! Right? So I pointed him to RN. He obviously needs to hear things from 'the horses mouth' from someone who has real credibility in his eyes I suppose.

Like you I also had my own battle with unhealthy patterns in my past and I have dealt with it and gained an understanding through it that helps me now. And just like you I am flabbergasted at how twisted and warped the SA mind actually is. I finished reading He danced Alone just now. What a valuable tool this book is! I am so glad I opted for reading it. And what an incredible person Jon was. I have nothing but admiration for this courageous man!

Quote:
It's spooky, but real. He does not hear the words that come out of my mouth; he hears something different, and it is ALWAYS negative. He believes all sorts of things that are not true. But, since he doesn't tell me about it, I just get the blowback from these lies and distortions. And that blowback is blaming, hatred, anger.....


... you are describing my partner to a T. And me at the receiving end. Classic! Exactly like it is with you and your husband. Isn't this just so incredibly bizarre? We had a situation today. He gave me a list of things that caused him tension. Part of the list was him feeling threatened by a dream that I had last night that involved another man. I normally don't dream about other men. But this dream was about enjoying some fun time with someone else. I felt so carefree and happy in that dream and it was heading towards a sexual dream, but I woke up beforehand. This dream originated clearly from me asking myself the night before, with all this anger of his and regression I am seeing right now, what it would feel like to not have all this in my life. Can I even still imagine it? I tried really hard to imagine and visualize it and my subconscious obviously processed this in a dream. We talk about our dreams every morning. I have to deal with his mainly, which can be anything from sexual to simple processing of events to downright bizarre. Not always easy to stomach. He wants to know mine too which are usually very tame, but this happened to be one that made him extremely jealous. So anyway, when I spot 'the dream' on his list I decided to explain it to him again and reassure him it was just a fallout from this thought I had and that I had no intention to be with anyone else. Which is the honest truth. I still love my partner. It is that simple. And I had already forgotten about this dream anyway by the time he mentioned his list of things. I think they tar us with the same brush with regards of fantasizing, AO, going off with someone else just for the attention or because they happen to be attractive or wear certain clothes... etc. and they simply cannot imagine that we are not like that. Anyway, so with all good intentions I try to take the sting out of this dream to lighten his load. And I do not know what phantom words he heard, but next thing I know he just turned on me in anger and accuses me of turning on him and chucking it back in his face what he told me. I was so perplexed! At that point I thought I better back off. :pe:

Me like you am now at the stage where I find it so much easier to pull back into my SA free little world for a while. It is such a relief. And I don't take his outbreaks and regressions personally. They still don't feel good of course and I would be lying if I say they don't on some level hurt me. But they do not have the power to devalue me as a person any longer. That also contributes to his anger towards me. He cannot manipulate me so easily now.

I just hope I will last till the worst is over. But if he keeps resisting so much then I am not sure if I still have this in me. We will see. For now I am with him. Even if we are apart geographically. The rest depends on his recovery efforts more or less at this stage.

Now here is some hope. Bit of a positive change. This has only just happened. Fresh from the press.
Thinking that hearing it from a survivor's mouth might sink in more than when I say things, so on impulse I have copied 2 parts of the last bit from Jon's book. Nothing of the sexual accounts as I would not trust that my partner at this stage in his recovery might take them as inspiration rather than for what they are. And I assume this is partly why recovering SAs are discouraged to read the book? I chose the interview with the doc when they discharge him. And the bit where he talks about value decline etc and what effect this would have had on his SA if time had gone on without him choosing recovery as his goal. Hope that was ok to do. Both quotes were very fitting for my partner's situation I thought. Well, it seems to have done the trick. Something resonated. Thank you Jon! What a wonderful legacy you left!!!!
My partner is in fact now starting to write down a concrete set of boundaries from wherein he wants to work his recovery time from now on. Bingo!!!!! :g:
He asked me to approve his list of boundaries where I replied that they are his commitments to himself and that I cannot be responsible in any shape or form for evaluating or judging them or his sincerity to his commitment to those boundaries. I assured him that I trust his intelligence enough for him to choose 'good ones'. They are his and his alone and it is him who has to commit to them and I cannot take that away from him. I felt like I had to be a bit cruel to be kind. But I hope I have done the right thing? He felt somewhat abandoned I think, but seemed to understand when I explained. Also if I get involved in approving the boundaries then he might blame me later should he fail to adhere to his own rules.

A few hours ago he was so low he wanted to die. Thanks to some quotes from the last part of Jon's book my partner has new hope and is making an effort to lift himself up again.

Geeeeez what a rollercoaster 2 days...

Healing Hugs

_________________
NewDawn x
Giving up is not an option...
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
she became a Butterfly!


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