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PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2014 7:43 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 6:50 am
Posts: 80
Hi all, just a question: i have a very very difficult decision to make. After a very positive (i thought) session at marriage counselling, where H said that he really does love me and would like to try again, (individual counselling only in Jan), we came home and he said he had broken up with other woman. However, in the following days i became aware that they were still messaging and speaking. On Sunday he asked to go see her to "explain" and break it off finally. He has been very depressed about hurting her, hurting me, and others, to the point of being suicidal (or, like in the past, manipulating me with threats). He is still as secretive as before, closing messages on his phone whenever i approach, and deletes all messages when not in a conversation. My gut says they are still in contact. I do think he is in full addict mode, so trying to talk runs me up against a brick wall. Now i want to ask, if he sincerely regrets past actions and hurting me in the past, would it be too much to ask for him to try to be transparent (not locking every device, not deleting every message, showing me the "breakup messages" etc? Or is he bullshitting me and trying to keep both me and her? I understand unlearning all that secrecy would take time, but he does not even seem to be trying? Am i wrong? Too close to see the forest for the trees?


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2014 8:55 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2014 12:48 pm
Posts: 43
LaLuna1,
I believed you answered your own question here.
LaLuna1 wrote:
My gut says they are still in contact
. Always trust your gut and after reading through some of the reasons you feel your gut is correct I can understand why. I am unsure how far you are along in your lessons but remember words are just words. It is the actions that he does or does NOT demonstrate that will show you that he is sincere. Please remember that one of the main focuses here on RN for you is to take care of you! Working through the lessons helped me so much put my focus on me, rather than my H as I realize we have no control over what they may do.
The lessons on boundaries really helped me gain control of my life again, but of course working up to this lesson has prepared me to be willing to set those boundaries. It sounds like you are still in early stages of recovery too. There is nothing wrong with asking for transparency and honesty as his willingness or lack of willingness will help you decide if he truly is sincere about recovery for himself, but at the end of the day finding yourself will assist you in preparing for whatever your future may hold.

Through the lessons it identifies that it is not uncommon for our H to become emotionally involved with another partner during their infidelity, so it may be possible that he may be grieving over the OW too. You are the only one who can decide what you are willing to allow or accept. My H had a three year affair (and many others), however after D-day has never contacted any of them in anyway. He also was using them as an object for his SA so I don't know how much emotional attachment he had to any of them.

It may be helpful to read Coach Mel's post in the community forum "An ode to exercise 3-a lesson in trusting your intuition",

Please take care of you!
Unlovedwife

_________________
Let your dreams be bigger than your fears, Let your actions be louder than your words


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 4:44 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 6:50 am
Posts: 80
So H and I have had lots of talks, on the one hand i know i completely lost balance, was obsessing over him and his continued contact with OW, and i lost sight and touch of my values and focussing on me. We agreed to give each other space for healing, that we would each focus on ourselves but that we both had hope the relationship would survive. However, his idea of working on himself is waiting for me to fall asleep, hiding his phone if i move or look awake. I do at least expext him to not concsciously and deliberately keep secretly contact OW as part if his healing, and then not at least be man enough to admit to it, try to change it, that in my eyes is not "working out his issues". It is buying time while holding both of us to ransom? If he says he is committed to working on his issues first, but trying to heal our relationship second, the least i would expect is that he would stop all contact with affair partner? Am i wrong?


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 4:58 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
LaLuna, happy holidays to you and wishing you a good new year.

Your situation sounds painful. One of the first things one of the coaches told me here on RN was that my husband was completely unreliable. That was very helpful. I would say your husband is unreliable. Our very reasonable expectations for behavior do not work with our husbands. It has taken me a long time, and I am much better but still working on it, to realize I have no control over my husband's behavior. I do have control over setting my boundaries and enforcing them. So, I guess the really hard question for all of us is what are our boundaries and are we willing to enforce them. One of mine is that if my husband has an emotional or physical affair, I will divorce him. Period. I am prepared to enforce this boundary. I have told him so. It is his choice as to whether or not he wants to violate this boundary of mine. Now if he chooses to have an affair, or begin an inappropriate relationship with someone, he will lie and hide it from me. But I trust my gut now. I will not need proof of the boundary violation if my alarm bells go off. I had to do some soul searching to see if I really meant this....would I really leave if he violates this boundary. And, after way too much time, I finally do know I would leave. I thought this would be scary for me, but it actually brings me relief.

It's so hard emotionally to live with a sex addict; to discover the addiction; to wait and see about sincerity of recovery. We are damaged. I find, after much advice from the coaches, mentors, Jon in the lessons, and others on RN, that I have to focus on me and protect me. Only my husband can control his behavior. As Jon says, they are the worst people to have to manage their recovery, but they are the only people who can. Such is the road we are on.

I feel such compassion for you. This is so hard.

dnell


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 26, 2014 5:37 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2014 3:43 pm
Posts: 64
Dear LaLuna, I am so sorry you are finding yourself in such a painful situation. In one form or another we have all been there or still very much are. And what a an emotional roller coaster it is. You have already received very good advice. IMO if your instinct tells you something then it may very well be true. And the hiding behaviour that your husband expresses would certainly violate my transparency boundary big time. And no it is not too much to ask. Even though there are two individuals needing to heal their own traumas, if there is a partnership and both people feel it is worth rebuilding, then each has to do their bit. And setting certain rules is not something you should deny yourself. IMO, transparency/honesty is the first building block to modifying SA thought patterns as well as ours. It is what will help us heal and without it I believe whatever is still remaining in our relationships will crumble away also.
I give my partner pointers when he gets off track. But if he refuses to listen then I back off. If he chooses to go it alone then I let him. He needs to find his own way. While I then go and find more mine. Lead a horse to water, but drink he must himself...and all that. I tried dragging that unwilling horse to the water by its tail and then pushing its head under...in total desperation at the obscure 'logic' in his choices... oh what a waste of my emotions that was and a sure way if we want to really increase our already devastating pain big time. Key is to change your thoughts and this will happen through learning, practicing, practicing, practicing and regaining your self worth bit by bit. What would you advise a person in the same situation as you are in? What would you tell them about themselves? Then take your advice. You are worth it and you owe it to yourself. Be as kind and compassionate with yourself as you would be to another in your situation.

Healing Hugs.

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NewDawn x
Giving up is not an option...
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
she became a Butterfly!


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