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 Post subject: Behaving like a Jerk!
PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 4:55 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2014 3:43 pm
Posts: 64
Hi,
....behaving like a Jerk - ME that is :e:

Here is the situation as it happened 2 days ago. After/During an especially intense regression/denial/emotional coldness phase that my partner went into I felt some of my own resentment demons rising their ugly heads. The longer his phase went on the more the ugly demons kept dancing in my head. I then notably/intensely at times started to fantasize about a life without his SA in it. It felt more than enough just to deal with the SA outfall that will still be there even if we split for good. I have no illlusions about that. But fact is that I had flashes of this SA free life vision increasingly for the past 2-3 years. This has since dday turned into more than just a fleeting thought-consideration. I quite often envision just dealing with my stuff and finishing my relationship for good. Make a fresh start eventually. I am increasingly feeling sick and tired of the emotional roller coaster life and not knowing what the next days or hours may bring. What do I have to stomach today I wonder and I know there will be something, There always is. Increasingly sick of not being able to stay in the SA free zone I have created for myself in the past month or so. I have taught myself to focus on simple things and find joy in them (the waves of the ocean, wild or sunny weather, the smile of a passer by, a happy chat with a fellow dog lover etc) when I am in 'my zone' and I think mostly nurturing thoughts and they fuel my faith and hope for a happy future. I have no doubt that I will make it there somehow.
I feel a sense of freedom now. When I am at a distance from the SA outfall I feel like a burden has been lifted. I am more and more content and 'the zone' is becoming more and more my actual life. My life is changing and I like it. I feel more balanced now a lot of the time. It feels like I have really started to root myself into this life more and more and the thought of moving back into our chaotic home is becoming more and more of a fantasy rather than a real wish. I have now tasted a kind of freedom that I have not felt in years. I cannot say I am truly happy. I still carry too many emotional burdens and my learning/healing is still in full swing. But I am so much happier and I have recently been told by an old family friend who had not seen me in 4 weeks that I 'sparkle' now, just like I used to do (he knew me before I met my partner and was very concerned for me during the past years) and he said I look 10 years younger. He could not believe the transformation in just a month. The last time I saw my friend was shortly after dday. So whatever I am doing must be having a noticeble effect. And I admit that I do feel better than I have in years, despite the heartache that is still ongoing.

What was the most disturbing for me though in all of this was that alongside I also started to feel very strong resentment towards my partner for leaving me no choice but to discover a better state of being than our relationship ever was. My blame on him could have sank the Titanic!
I was aware of what was happening and that I simply refused to rise above this. I wanted/needed to feel like this. I wanted to live it for that time. Stomp my feet. Have a tantrum. Pick a fight. Make him feel what I do (as if I ever could). Talk about compulsion! All the while knowing full well that I could put perspective on this if I wanted to, but frankly, I did not want to. Tantrum! So I called him at 1 o'clock in the morning just to wake him up. And I made sure he stayed awake. I fired some anger down the phone. But I also told him that I am behaving like a child and I needed to do this. What was I looking for? Flipping excuses for my behaviour? If I tell him then I was a good girl? Geez these are warped mind hiding/denying thoughts for flip's sake. I fell asleep eventually (and so did my poor pummelt man) only to wake up a few hours later with anger boiling inside me. I could not shake the thoughts of 'why now? why do you start recovery so late? why not when I had more left in me? damn you, damn you, damn you...on and on.

I know myself well enough that when I act irrationally like this then I need to look at something big time. So I took an early morning walk to clear my head and find out what it is. Unfortunately my partner phoned me while I was going through some real turmoil. He brought good news. He was getting himself back on track with his recovery. He wanted me to know that he was sincere about it now. This should have been embraced but I failed us both and instead his revelation poured oil onto my anger fire. !D
I thanked him for sharing and explained to him that at this moment I was sadly not able to embrace his progress and could not be supportive, because I was dealing with my own demons right now. That I feared I might set out to sabotage this good thing he was sharing with me. I suggested we should end the phone call. Not sure why - but we didn't....and long behold I started to hack into him. Totally based on old anger of the past and not at all on reality of the present. I was sabotaging! In the end he rebelled. One of the healthiest reactions I have seen in him. In this context he had to protect himself and I deserved to be told that in no uncertain terms. I told him that I needed to pull back, relax and find out what is bugging me so much that I did not want to look at it. I apologized and I felt ashamed.

A little later when I felt calmer, I found within me the answer/trigger. With me increasingly valuing my new life, I was also getting scared/panicky that our relationship was coming to an end/slipping away. While I was at the same time still desperately trying to find a way home before it is too late. I did not want all the past years to be for nothing! But sadly I do not have much faith left to draw on. Our whole relationship felt like that. Bits of faith, trust and love got given to me with one hand and then with one swift swoop taken away with the other hand.... until there was not much left in the end.
On that day I was so angry at him for making it impossible for me to come back home while I felt time was running out! Deep down I was blaming him for his mental ill health. Not something I am proud of. He had promised me to do the steps so I can come home, but he did not do them. He was wasting time, because he was scared. But I was scared too! I wanted to give this another shot, but his SA put a spanner in the works. So there. This was it. I blamed him for being him and not meeting his goals....and my needs....oh dear, talk about regression on my behalf.... I shared this with him as soon as soon as it hit me. We talked and have since reached a new higher level in both our healing and for us as a couple.

But I did not like at all what I saw in me on that day. I hope it will not happen again of course, but I have the potential to let this happen again as I have done this before in my past on some occasions. Despite self awareness I actually made no effort to control my behaviour. It is not a regular occurrance and never lasts long as it puts me straight on a search within myself for the real reason behind this childish tantrum. But I don't like it at all when I do this.

Any tips on how I can combat this character flaw of mine, should it raise its poison again?
The last thing I want is to sabotage his or my healing. These days I consider myself supportive and courageous most of the time and aware enough to deal with stuff, before it escalates. But I feel I failed both of us on that day with my despicable behaviour. I want to work on compassion and have since finished reading 'he danced alone' which gave me a valuable tool in that respect. I want to monitor myself more and should I ever be about to throw a tantrum again and am in the acute phase, I must not allow us to talk until I know what I am dealing with. I would be asking too much of a still emotionally stunted person.

I feel that I myself have not done what I am asking from my partner. To ACT on self awareness in line with values/boundaries. IMO a person should only ask what they are prepared to give in return. Works both ways. This is one of my life philosophies.

Although we worked through this successfully as a couple and it brought us closer together it still haunts me at times. So here I am.....looking for more answers. I really still feel there is something important I need to learn from this.


...............................................

... now about an hour or so later to me writing this.... what I need to work on is in fact FORGIVENESS!!! I need to be able to forgive him. And it scares the hell out of me. I feel that with forgiving him I also have to let go of some of my protective walls I have built around my heart by now. But in some way this makes me even more determined to tackle the letting go of old resentment and angers.

................................................

... and after a long walk... I have realized that I also need to forgive myself for letting this happen to me. For letting someone else violate me like this. So far I was working on taking responsibility for my part/my choices that contributed to the way my life turned out. And I thought that forgiving my partner was what I had to do to find my inner peace. But what I did not realize until today was the importance of forgiveness to myself. So there is my next goal. Forgiveness all round. Finding this out on Christmas day appeals to me. A spiritual day to start this. :g:

Oh, and of course - Happy Christmas :g:

_________________
NewDawn x
Giving up is not an option...
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
she became a Butterfly!


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 11:56 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Newdawn, best wishes for the holiday and for the new year.

Oh boy, can I relate. My anger, well, really, my rage is an ugly and powerful thing. And, as Jon says, when I am out of control with it I am just like the addict. That makes me feel: 1) really ashamed, 2) then really angry again. Sigh. The best tip I have received about this was from Nellie James who suggested making action plans for times when we get angry/enraged. I need to NOT escalate; to remove myself from the situtation; to calm down; and to take care of myself. Great suggestion! Guess who has not done that yet? And, you apologized and explained what had happened. Good role modeling. I apologize and also try to explain what happened.

I believe our anger is justified. Really justified. I know my rage is a direct reaction to the magnitude of the hurt I feel...the betrayal...the humiliation...the sheer disregard for my feelings from someone I trusted....well, we all have been there and we all know what I mean. I used to wake up my husband in the middle of the night to rage at him for days on end. Did I feel justified? Darn right! Did I care that I was harming him? Not at all! Am I proud of any of this? No. Would I want anyone to know that I did this? No. Is it truly against my values to behave this way? Yes. I still wake up every night between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m. and....well, all sorts of ugly, awful things go through my head. The good news is I no longer wake up my husband and rage at him. The other good news is that I am changing how I think in the wee hours of the morning (always a bad time to make any decisions, in my experience). I am now thinking about me...about what I can do to heal me...about what I want in life....about what I will do the next day and what is preventing me from accomplishing my goals.

Self forgiveness. Yes. Absolutely. I am really working on this in my individual therapy, and, whew, it is really helping me. It has taken me YEARS to find the right kind of therapy (wished I had gotten this 40 years ago, but there you go). We must have compassion towards ourselves. I can't truly give my husband compassion until I give it to myself. And, I am doing that. Jon said something that really affected me: The permament damage that has happened to us, while totally unfair, is a "helpless reality."

I am now directly looking at my fear of abandonment. I think both my husband and I have TREMENDOUS fears of abandonment, but also fears of intimacy. (Okay, I also think he is worse in his destructive approach to all of this, but really, does it matter?). It is really scary to think about the loss of our husbands after all this time even though, in my case, there really was little to no genuine giving of love or support to me. But I am also very well aware of how scary it feels to be trapped in the brutal and chaotic world of SA. These are very challenging feelings and I am working to become stronger and more clear in working through them. And, I so believe Jon is right in telling us our decisions have to be value based, and not emotion based. And, while I am much less volatile with my emotions, I am still making emotional decisions.

We're not perfect. We're human. We're traumatized. We're trying to heal. We will heal.

Love and compassion to us all,
dnell


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 3:00 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2014 3:43 pm
Posts: 64
Hello dnell, and thank you so much for your compassion. One thing you said was that you did not want anyone to know and to be honest it took me quite a bit of courage to post what I did, but I thought a 'he did this-point finger' approach to healing would not exactly be the ticket to success. So I jumped.

I found my anger overwhelming during the first ddays in the first years of our relationship. The helplessness you mention was very much my daily and nightly company. And I was out of control and out of mind back then. Big time. I had no idea how to handle what was being dumped on me back then. In those years I also woke up at night and I got so angry at my partner never loosing any sleep over what affected me so painfully and profoundly. So cold and ignorant and it infuriated me so much. And I agree with you that looking at the sheer scale of pain, devastation, humiliation and waste of life & love it is only human to fire back. And I found I did fire at him, because I wanted to make him 'wake up'/claw him awake more like.... :t:

Once I persevered with my therapy a few years ago, I felt different about myself and it had an effect on how I felt about my relationship. Like you, it took me a few attempts to find the right therapist. She worked a combination of traditional therapy and hypnosis in each session and it worked a wonders. Took me about 10 years of trial and error to find this amazing lady. I unlocked so many things under hypnosis including my fear of loss/abandonment and the two root situations in my early childhood that caused this fear. Today I am confident that I will still walk this planet and will survive if a loved person leaves my life by choice or death. I have proved this to myself already in some ways. And I believe that in a loving relationship which is nurturing and satisfying for both, why would anyone abandon anything so precious? Chances are they won't if they are healthy. My previous partner was healthy and we shared a wonderful gentle relationship. Complicated circumstances had us part amicably, and we still remain very close friends and also the intimacy remained to this day, but within the boundaries of friendship. It simply and naturally transitioned. Being with him taught me much about boundaries, living by values, nurturing, expressing love and intimacy, physically and in a life sharing way. And I learned that I had something to give in return by just being who I am. Quite a revelation to me at the time. This is what I would like to feel again. And deepen it if possible. My previous partner gave me a taste for it and I want more and learn more about it. I still have so much to discover. And I so want to learn it all.

Sadly in my relationship now I had to admit to myself today that I never quite dealt with the residue anger properly. I never finished the job I started. And I believe I have to let this go for me and also if our relationship to stand a chance. If I am honest with myself a lot of resentment simmered long term now and I would even say it became part of my being even. Seeing him do exactly nothing to save us, is what kept this alive and raging. And I feel this is what I need to sweep out the most at this stage. It has to be my next goal/lesson in life. I want it out! Badly! One of my biggest fear is ending up bitter and hopeless. And I am not having any of it! I will not let this win! And should the anger monster rear up again then I want to try to focus my thoughts on the reality of today. The reality is that my partner is now finally really trying hard. He deserves to be perceived in the present. And my resentment is based in the past. Some in the recent past, but nevertheless in the past. And this is where I want it to stay. I strongly believe in retraining my thoughts. I have done this in a number of ways before and I am determined to do it with that stalker (I call my anger my stalker) as well. Reality checking myself so to speak.

I am currently going through the mills with stuff. Which feels yuk!, but I know from experience that this is a good thing. Just like with SA I believe a big long term pain/issue cannot be expected to allow itself to be snuffed without at fight. So you try you stalker. I am here waiting for you! ... she says boxing gloves at the ready :w:

Let's do some mental house cleaning! Like you say - we WILL heal.

Healing Hugs to You.

_________________
NewDawn x
Giving up is not an option...
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
she became a Butterfly!


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