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PostPosted: Tue Jan 06, 2015 9:58 am 

Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:48 pm
Posts: 45
Dear dnell, again, you have put words to my thoughts.

It was only once I stopped 'blaming' myself, and shifted the responsibility to where it belonged, 'the addictive behaviour emanating from whatever distorted core values, from whatever cause', that I have been able to move on... own my hurt and damaged self with love and compassion, work on forgiveness, and look at the addictive behaviour and the person that is more than that behaviour, with a modicum of love and compassion (work in progress, that one). My own core values have been violated, and, yes, there has been lots of blame and emotional nastiness from my part, and I own that, and I firmly believe that all of that was part of the process, that eventually brought me to where I am today... nothing was static, but in a constant state of flux... not pretty at times, but moving towards the light... Intimacy is a frightening issue for H, trust is foreign, hopefully his process will will unfold positively for him...

Thank you all for being there.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 07, 2015 12:44 am 
General Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
Hi everyone,

Sorry I've been absent ... stuff going on ... I didn't have much time or energy to focus on the discussion though I read the inputs.
Thank you Coach Boundless for you taking the time, I think your perspective will help me come closer to whatever it is I'm trying to achieve.
When I posted my very confused question I was trying to determine a future development path for myself.
I've never been too much aware of these things though I had been exercising compassion and a deeper understanding of people's actions as a consequence of life experiences. However, even that compassion was judgemental ... like in ... poor him/her ... they don't know better.
Also, my self image had always been a conflictual one. I guess many times I would compare myself to other people and quite stupidly decide that I am better for whatever reason. I guess I might also be intolerant of some things and at times I find myself too attached to a certain mental position. That changed a lot since Dday but I feel I'm not out of the woods.
I feel I am at a crossroad in seeing all these things and I want to be free of judgement ... that would probably mean trully exercising my values ... I sense that somehow it has a lot to do with self-esteem and as the coaches said, with fear of rejection.
That comes as a shock because I've never really cared much what people think about me ... or so I thought ... but I do understand that the way you hold your ground plays an essential part in the emotional response you elicit from people. And there I might have a problem because I am always so passionate about things, ideas, beliefs ... I guess I'm attached to them even though I do listen to other's opinions and I can change mine if the arguments convince me ... I just don't really know how to be calm and serene about my beliefs ... That is food for thought ... have you ever felt that not being able to convince someone, help them see what is obviously true for you ... it's almost painful even if let's say you don't have anything to gain from their realisation ... and it's not even about having the satisfaction that you were right ... it's more about the truth that must prevail ... I don't know if that makes sense ... I need to focus on being calm and detached ...

"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy

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