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PostPosted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 2:07 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 12, 2015 1:56 pm
Posts: 7
Hello everyone, I'm fairly new here and I am SLOWLY doing the lessons... due to a ton of emotional issues it's been a slow process for me, but that's okay I'd rather try to absorb then just "do" each lesson.

So, here is my question... So many of the partners get to choose if they want to keep their addict in their lives, but for me I've been left behind wishing my addict would see how desperately he needs help, and the love of his family for support. This isn't the first time he has left, but it has been the longest and it DOES "feel different this time"... like he really wants to not come home. Sure years ago (several times) he had the stages of "I'll fix me and save us" moments, and like everyone knows he was never working on himself for himself so he relapsed, always falling deeper after "trying" to be healthy then before he tried. This time is also different because unlike past times, he went directly from my bed to someone else bed. When this first happened I thought well this is just him deeper then ever in his addiction... but now its been 5 months and he seems content in his new life. I've (months ago) stopped trying to get him home and have just left him to his own devices knowing if he was going to come home he needed to find the front door on his own.

Is this something that happens with SA? Can they create a whole new life for themselves and leave it all behind? He says this new person is so "perfect" that he has lost all vices and is living a healthier life now. Do SA's get better from a "change of scenery" or is this just a "honeymoon phase" and when he's able to see life around him he'll be startled?

I just don't know what to think anymore, and yes like I said I'm working the program and I need to focus less on what he's doing and more on me... I guess I just want to know if I'm alone in these circumstances or is this more common then people are placing online?

Thank you for any input in advance!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 12:58 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
(((hugs))) I don't know your story, but I think the idea that they can find the perfect person to cure them is quite common. In my experience, it doesn't work. The worst part? I think the new person is probably completely unaware of his addiction and so is unwittingly helping to feed it by reinforcing his flawed logic that it was just you. Please believe me -- it is not you or your relationship that caused the addiction and there is nothing that you (or the other person) can do to cure it.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 19, 2015 7:42 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:02 am
Posts: 63
I agree wholeheartedly with sp2007. I think this is his way of sinking into denial. If he has really stopped acting out (doubtful but maybe) then I think it is temporary... because what he is doing right now- full time and in the open- seems like it IS acting out. His leaving and denying his addiction seems like it's just his way of running away to go hide in his addiction.

This absolutely sucks. All of it. I am so sorry. But you will be okay- even if he never chooses to be. Hugs.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 21, 2015 1:21 am 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
I just want you to know that my soon to be ex husband has also done something similar. It felt rather low to be in effect discarded because I no longer served a role in his life. I don't know if this will pertain to you, but one thing I read about in my search for answers, was the narcissist's discard. That once a person no longer serves as a source for their narcissism, they discard and move on. I have felt this and while I don't believe my ex is a through and through narcissist, what I've read helped me understand what had happened to me.

My soon to be ex also had one girlfriend that he acted like was "the one" but as soon as they broke up he was back to looking for "the one." Other women he's dated, he made it clear that they were mere place holders until the one arrived. He's told me more than once that these other women don't see the problems I did, so maybe the problems aren't there. This with women who know him for a few months at most. The sad thing to me is one of these women will likely become one of us eventually. Personally, I look back on our earlier relationship and remember how he would talk about ex-girlfriends and it all seems more clear now.

I have recently started reading "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes. I found it after Coach Mel suggested looking into trauma bonds. I would highly recommend it. It is taking me into deep areas I hadn't realized still needed healing.

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"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2015 1:52 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 12, 2015 1:56 pm
Posts: 7
My addict has informed me (via facebook no less) that he will be filing for a divorce.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2015 10:15 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:33 pm
Posts: 50
It's a honeymoon phase. My ex has told me that he found the perfect person who has changed him sooo many times. Eventually he cheats and moves on to the next one after they refuse to take him back. He's been doing this for ten years now.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2015 12:18 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 12, 2015 1:56 pm
Posts: 7
Rainiegirl wrote:
It's a honeymoon phase. My ex has told me that he found the perfect person who has changed him sooo many times. Eventually he cheats and moves on to the next one after they refuse to take him back. He's been doing this for ten years now.



A few people have said this to me. He's never left FOR another person before and this is the longest he's even been gone to date... and has certainly never talked about divorce before.

Our poor kids is all I keep thinking...


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2015 2:22 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:33 pm
Posts: 50
I understand. My ex and I have two children together. I try to keep his relationships out of the kids lives.


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