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 Post subject: support - true north
PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2015 1:17 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jan 28, 2015 10:33 am
Posts: 5
After walking in on my S.O. in the middle of a relapse last week (a relapse I just found out has been going on for months), I have decided to leave my six year relationship. This is the fourth time over the years that the trust has been broken. He spent a year with the top sex addiction therapist in a major city--she's the big cheese of that world--as well as a year in her support group, sees a therapist weekly and goes to S.A. once a week. He was sober for three years, and had slips here and there in the past two years and now a months long relapse. We had an agreement, aided by my own work with a therapist last time I found out about online behavior that was kept from me: I only returned to the relationship after the last implode with the understanding that if a slip occurred, I would be told as soon as possible, he'd notify his sponsor, as well as his therapist. And it happened in May, he told me ASAP, I asked if he had contacted his sponsor, he had, and his therapist, and that was that. I thanked him for telling me, the trust was not broken and I left him to handle his recovery with his sponsor and therapist. To walk in on him last week as he slammed his laptop shut like a ten year old hiding something from his mom, well, it was a huge heartbreak. Things, I thought, were going really well with us. I didn't see this coming. A slip, I could deal with. MONTHS? broke me. I dealt with the usual partner stuff early on, his lack of initiating sex, feeling invisible...disconnected sex, inappropriate jokes and strange objectification of women in things he'd say, but after his realization of his porn addiction as being a real ism (he has 25 yrs sobriety in AA so understands recovery), we had made some real progress and were having a better connection. That said, lately there was still cut off, his inability to 'finish" without doing it himself, which was weird, and times of no drive at all. And now, in hindsight, seems like it was a result of his viewing habits again or the guilt he was feeling knowing he was keeping it from me (after being caught he said it was tearing him up inside). THE MAIN THING....was the lying. And the realization that, by omission, there was months of it. That is what weighs on my heart and lead me to decide this is the end. I feel that I have to accept that this is what life with this person will be. If even after six years of therapy, specialists, weekly meetings, he can still lie and need the high of the porn to the point of risking everything we had (he would say DAILY that this relationship was the best thing that has ever happened to him)--to have months of a secret life even with all of that deep recovery work under his belt, well, if I really love this person I have to realize that lying and cycles of relapse are most likely going to be a life long thing. And every time I find out he has lied, I literally get ill. It feels like physical abuse, on the inside. I have to be honest with myself, I am not a soul cut out for such things. I am an almost faultlessly honest person (I have other misgivings, honesty is not one), and do everything I can to respect people's intuition and being--telling people the truth, to me, is the only way to love someone,(even if the truth is difficult). And I'm an artist-super feely, super sensitive. This just feels like a train wreck. So yeah, there's the "just porn" thing playing in my head. I don't think this guy would ever be unfaithful with a PERSON, (though before his road to recovery his addiction ruined his marriage when he moved from porn to chat rooms to a hook up. so, who knows how it goes if someone spirals). I think he's moved beyond that kind of deception. He tells me about guys in his group having middle circles where porn is allowed after some years of recovery. But porn use was what he could not stop, he wasn't a hooker guy. Porn was his ism. The sex addiction specialist absolutely diagnosed him as a sex addict. He uses porn, and has compulsively so in the past, when he's feeling depressed, or just to get high in the morning. So his idea that he can use it healthily...well, he knows not to have a beer as an alcoholic. And if he wanted to try to use it healthily (he said he had a different relationship to it now after some years in recovery--but if he's lying to me and sponsor who the hell knows if he's just in addict brain) I would assume his sponsor, therapist, and I, should have been privvy to that discussion. So...here I am folks. one that is walking away. with a very heavy heart. but any support for the crazyland that is being a partner of a porn addict would be helpful while I am sorting out my feelings about it all. No one knows what this rollercoaster world is if you haven't been on the other end of it. Especially where it can take you regarding your own desirability and sense of sensual connection. None of my friends have been through it, so I look to you RN folks. thanks for the love in advance.


Last edited by miracles on Thu Jan 29, 2015 4:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: support - true north
PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2015 3:34 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Ah, miracles, how heartbreaking. I am so very, very sorry for what you are going through but deeply respect your decision. So your SO is just not sincere about recovering and living a healthy life. And I don't believe for ONE SECOND that he has been advised "it is okay to look at some porn." No way can I believe that. More addict BS.

You deserve better. I know we all live with the fear of exactly what you are going through. I send you my virtual embrace.

Compassionately,
dnell


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 Post subject: Re: support - true north
PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2015 4:49 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jan 28, 2015 10:33 am
Posts: 5
thank you, dnell. so much. yeah. this is a really tough time. ....deciding to leave the good stuff along with the harrowing deceit and disconnect. and in our case, there was a lot of good. but I don't want to live with the unsteadiness of the addiction anymore. Two people being in a relationship ALONE has a lot of ups and downs. In his case, it's apparently an unmanageable task for him to live a life without P. So I will let him live that life. And I'll go and live mine. My heart goes out to all of you who are in the midst of this. Know your worth!


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 Post subject: Re: support - true north
PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2015 12:58 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hi miracles,

I just wanted to say that I can truly empathize and sympathize with how you are feeling. Having recently walked away ('recent' is subjective, apparently) with "heavy heart". My heart is still heavy, truth be told. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and I believe that after having come to such realizations--after coming face to face with reality in such a way as to un-see reality we would have to intentionally and forcibly shove our heads back in the sand--when it is all sorted out (however long that takes to finally sort it out) we will be at peace.

Tangential comment: It's ironic-there is much research that reports that "depressed people" are more in touch with reality. I think it's backward that denial is equated with mental health in this way (because, people who are in denial are supposedly "happier", according to the same body of research). But denial of truth and denial of reality is the only true "dis-ease" of the mind... ask anyone who has ever struggled between reconciling what they know to be reality, and what someone else is trying to tell them is the truth.

Anyhow, we can celebrate that we are no longer discordant in what we think we know, and what we know we know (at least as far as the actions of our SOs are concerned, and the direction of our relationships). We are in alignment with reality. For me being aligned with reality is one step closer to being able to just be with what is, which (for me) is the same as being at peace. When we are at peace, we can made "right" choices and take "right" actions (i.e. those actions that are aligned with our vision and values).

Be well

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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 Post subject: Re: support - true north
PostPosted: Thu Feb 05, 2015 4:15 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jan 28, 2015 10:33 am
Posts: 5
"We are in alignment with reality. For me being aligned with reality is one step closer to being able to just be with what is, which (for me) is the same as being at peace."
this is beautiful. thank you


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 Post subject: Re: support - true north
PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2015 4:33 am 
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Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2014 7:06 pm
Posts: 28
Miracles - I feel your pain :t: ...
Sending strength your way..
I am very close to this if not already there mentally. It is a very hard choice to make as you feel almost responsible to be an anchor to ground your loved ones instability. It must have been with a great deal of turmoil that you have made the choice and even then will question for some time.

I have spent a little time with my estranged husband as he 'tries' to demonstrate early recovery, but as I have been spending time with him, I became to realise that he needs me he just does not want me. My needs are very different now too.

After a year since D Day and the highs and lows that come with it, spending time is very different, until a few days ago after a few hours in his company, it became apparent;
He does not listen to me, he does not respect me, he acts like a victim,moaning about his circumstances but shows no immediacy to change them. Quite frankly I am bored too - bored of all the drama and the uncertainty.
This limbo relationship gives me very little, only a painful reminder of how he and things used to be..
When I stopped interrogating him and filling the gaps in the conversation, we had very little to talk about - he certainly not interested in my feelings, so I just stopped talking. Where he was so easy to be with, now it is very painful and unpredictable.

He very different now as the addiction has taken over and I did not realise how over the frustration and drama I really am.

I feel quite sorry for him but more sorry for myself as he has dragged me into the mess and too his level. In stepping back I feel happier already.

He wanted to see me today (he very low having lost home, friendships, hobbies to addiction) But I wondered if he had a better offer, a friend that actually wanted to do something would he even want to see me anyway. So I told im I am busy - he was not even bothered, just ok...

Actually I am seeing a friend and feel more excited about wanting to be with someone who actually wants a friendship than spending time with him in limbo, awkward silences, where I will not fill in gaps and at the end of that time together wondering what now?

You must have got to a point where you feel no more?

You will be opening yourself up to positive support now and not allowing the sleazy world of addiction to be your life every minute of every day.

I hope you do get through this difficult time, allow yourself to grieve and then be peaceful knowing in your heart, you have spent as much time as you could but ultimately you need more...
Sending you much strength and hugs


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 Post subject: Re: support - true north
PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2015 3:09 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jan 28, 2015 10:33 am
Posts: 5
yes. it's almost four weeks now. I wouldn't talk to him at all for most of it. He is partially blaming me for his secret life, (his therapist in agreement which really confounds me wth?), that I didn't make him feel safe enough in the relationship or he would have told me (though we had a "slip policy" of "just tell me and your sponsor asap and we're good). What he wanted to tell me, I have learned, is that he wants to use porn regularly now. That he thinks he can do it in a healthy fashion....and was too afraid to ask for it so did it secretly without my knowing for months until I walked in on him. It's shocking to me how thick the addict brain is...he doesn't think any of this is addict thinking, he really thinks he didn't tell me because he was just afraid I'd leave. He thinks his brain is healed from addicted use of porn. (He's a recovering alcoholic and uses porn when stressed or depressed). I have to leave him to that. To however he thinks it's good for him. We have so many friends who use porn regularly while coupled I am of course looking like the crazy girlfriend. But when you match it with low sex drive and the lack of sensual initiation of sex that has marked a lot of our relationship (he has Aspergers as well, so it's quite confusing)...anyway. I wish him well in his life. But like many, am concerned for my mental and emotional health going forward around ANY guy I'm with who is a pornography lover. I dunno. The older I get, I also feel like it's rather cruel....for a guy to lust over what many consider the ideal age/body/looks and expect his lover to be..."well I will focus my sexuality on you...but you want to get me AND want that visual carnival. no problem". I liken it to coming to your mate with an amazingly beautiful sparkler, shining, colorful, vibrant....but your mate just watched the biggest fireworks display imaginable. Good luck that your sparkler will mean a whole lot. Just unkind. and I think people need to grow up thinking that they shouldn't be denied whatever they want whenever they want. To me, p is not a victimless past time. anyway. This is what it's looking like four weeks out. And yes it took a HUGE amount of energy for me to say ENOUGH, the LYING IS TOXIC TO MY SYSTEM and that I must put my emotional and mental health before any person or situation. Of course he wants me back, wishes I could accept him and his new "recovered" use of P.(that he lied about) I think an addict is an addict is an addict. I don't know how one trims down their use of something that has at times owned them. After five years of recovery, I noticed his brain changing during this last run. Wild how it starts to infiltrate and change their conversations in very subtle ways. God bless us all. (them too). Stay in your peace, women. Stay in your truth. KNOW THAT THERE IS GOOD IN THE WORLD FOR YOU. That there are men who are grownups since this ism seems to be founded in very regressed, childish behavior. That is how I am getting out. I'm not a young woman with the world before me. But I know I deserve something better, something more soulful. And want to spend the years that I have left on the planet in peace and joy. Truth is love. Love is truth.


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 Post subject: Re: support - true north
PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2015 4:12 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Quote:
What he wanted to tell me, I have learned, is that he wants to use porn regularly now. That he thinks he can do it in a healthy fashion....


Yeah, right. We all know this is not true.

Quote:
.for a guy to lust over what many consider the ideal age/body/looks and expect his lover to be..."well I will focus my sexuality on you...but you want to get me AND want that visual carnival. no problem". I liken it to coming to your mate with an amazingly beautiful sparkler, shining, colorful, vibrant....but your mate just watched the biggest fireworks display imaginable.


I have really come around to believe that no matter how intoxicating masturbating to porn is (and I do believe it is intoxicating to our SAs), it is such a short term fix that creates such long term destructive damage that it's not worth it. I wouldn't want to live this way. I don't think our partners as active addicts are living well at all. I don't see it as a fireworks display even if it temporarily feels that way.

Quote:
But I know I deserve something better, something more soulful. And want to spend the years that I have left on the planet in peace and joy. Truth is love. Love is truth.

:g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g:

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: support - true north
PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2015 9:40 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
Blessings to you, miracles, for following your own path to healing! I know it seems six years to have been a long time to invest in 'waiting' for a full recovery that just wasn't happening, but better to get on with your own life before investing any more of your focus on someone who obviously is playing at recovery to the expense of you and anyone he is able to convince of his sincerity(or perhaps just spending $$$ sitting in an office and keeping some therapists calander filled!!!)

_________________
It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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