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PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2015 9:32 am 

Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2015 9:38 am
Posts: 1
My D-day was May-June 2013. I've been married 24 years. My hubby has worked through the RN portion for addicts and is done. He see's a 'regular' therapist and has been put on medicine (June 2013) and was attending SA weekly, and now it has trickled off to a slow drip.
I have tried to find a therapist, I have been reading through RN for over 18 months. I have read Barbara Steffens book 3 times. I have read so many books, so many websites, Posarc, too many to list. I have c-ptsd and have since seen 4 therapists who have said that: 1. my problem doesn't exist, 2. I need to purchase the "Secret" and just *try* to be more positive, because putting good energy out there will bring it back (No wonder, she says that I have nothing but bad energy) 3. My situation is not quantifiable, not cognitively based, 4. I must be bipolar due to my moods fluctuating back and forth, (upon discovering that my hubby of 23 years is a sex addict, apparently, she thinks that this is abnormal behaviour) And, finally, hubby and I saw a marriage therapist who feels my problem is that I just don't see how my husband is progressing, no mention of our past 23 years and how the problems we are facing have no relevance to our past.

My hubby does a lot of talking and promising. He doesn't seem to understand what I am going through. So many times in our marriage he has abandoned me. I have been married to him the whole time he was in the military (it is here where he learned about and started pornography) I have lost so many things, sacrificed my career, I went into this marriage with values and beliefs. I have stayed through thick and thin. I have been his cheerleader, his best friend, his lover, the mother of our kids, I was his first, as he was mine. I am left so sad and broken. I feel useless and ugly and old. He has always had this problem of being disconnected, floating above in the fog, never getting too close, in case he might get stuck. He has expected me to get stuck and fix things. That's what I do, fix things, take care of problems. Do the dirty uncomfortable work.

I am finding that 18 + months later I do not feel any better about myself, nor him. I have lost total respect for him. I look at him and I have no idea who he really is. I once knew who I was, now I am so lost. (It's like that damn Dallas episode, where, throughout the whole season,things were happening, and in the end, it was all a dream, Patrick Duffy in the shower, and it was JUST A DREAM) The reality is, pornography wasn't the bulk of our issues, but it was the final straw. It was proof that the wasn't plugged in, I just could never put my finger on it. He has always shirked away from responsibilities. I picked up the slack so many times, because that's what wives and partners do, especially if you are married to someone in the military. I feel like suck a dumb ass fool. I feel ripped off and cheated. All the time, he STILL promises and nothing never following through. I don't believe him anymore, I want to smack the words right back into his mouth. When it comes to sex, it's a joke. I have to initiate, he promises in this arena too, and NOTHING. Meanwhile I have all these thoughts going through my head and he says I'm here, I'm paying attention to you. And, in the interim, the times that we don't have sex, NOTHING. He knows no such thing of foreplay or romantic gestures, or making me feel at ease, making me feel safe. It's still very much, I am the microwave and am expected to get hot or heat things up in seconds.

I feel deep inside that I am done. I feel so broken and empty. The idea of spending another 24 years makes me sick. I'll be too old to leave. (I feel I am too old now) I'd hope to get sick and die. How do you know that someone is going to change? All I hear is promises. No real action. He talks in circles about realising what he did, how it has hurt me, us, and him. He's constantly promising to fix it, if I give him another chance. Since all of this, I have gotten sick, herniated a disc, had surgery on my cervix, now have high blood pressure. My ptsd is back.
How do you know when he's REALLY changing or it's over? I am so sorry for this post. I've never had the guts to post. I guess I am just so sad and empty now.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2015 10:05 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 666
Evanesce, I can feel your pain in your post. I am so sorry. I can empathize with everything you are saying, as can most if not all the partners here at RN. I am in the process of healing and what I have come to learn is that there is no timeline for healing. I don't know how long it will take. I know it will take longer than I would like. For me, 18 months is not nearly long enough to heal. I wish that were not so. So, when I feel stuck, I give myself a break. I need to be gentle with myself. Sometimes that's hard, but honestly, what we are going through is severely traumatic. We are not going to just snap out of it.

I understand you have been reading through the partner's workshop here on RN. I found actually posting and doing the workshop to be very, very helpful. I also go back and re-read the lessons and they mean more to me now then at first. The partners' forum has been very, very helpful to me. I hope you continue to post and read older forum strings. I had also read so many books, and been at so many web sites, that I was discouraged about doing the workshop. But, it was really good for me. RN also teaches us what to monitor in our partners so that we can protect ourselves and get a sense of their recovery. These lessons were invaluable to me. Also, they reinforce that we should trust our gut. Always. No matter what our partners say to us. It's their actions, not their words, that count.

On therapists, whew. I've posted before that it took me four tries to get the right individual therapist. My therapy, in addition to RN, has been a lifesaver. It is going to take me much more time than I would like (and I'm going broke!), but I need to continue my individual therapy work. I had to find a therapist who could deal with trauma and had some experience with partners of SAs. It took a while. But, I had been in marriage counseling prior to discovery and boy did that therapist traumatize me. I also got the message to "be happy" and "bring good stuff to the marriage in order for my husband to be happy." Why did I have to do all the work? In retrospect, that enabled his addiction and lack of accountability and lack of contribution to the marriage. I was also told "never be sad or depressed, just be cheery" and "he will leave you if you are sad." Sheesh! I was not allowed to be human. Talk about abandoning myself! But, that is not happening to me now with my current therapist.

I know this is so terribly painful. I also know we can heal. I know I needed help. Getting help was a sign of strength and hope. My primary focus right now is me and my healing. I hope you do the lessons and continue to post in the forum. We are not alone.


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