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 Post subject: Completely Confused
PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2015 7:05 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 24, 2010 11:35 pm
Posts: 19
I went through the site's lessons quite a few years ago and chose a bit after to separate from my husband because he was not choosing to begin his own recovery. (thought he insisted he was, I kept finding things.) We were living overseas at the time so I moved back to the states with my children. He insisted that he would 'fight for his marriage' but that lasted about two months and he began to pursue other women and his addiction so heavily that I decided to divorce. Long story VERY short, about 2 years after all that mess, he came to visit for Christmas and take the kids which was the schedule. We discussed how many changes had occurred in life and he basically mentioned how it was too bad we couldn't just restore our relationship now that "all of the things that broke it were gone"...I prayed heavily about this and also talked with a lot of people that I felt were really mature and healthy...and it seemed like 'yeah'...why don't I consider this? It would be so much better for my kids...(he had refused to move back to the states so they were only able to see him in the summer). ANYWAY...flash forward...we basically went through 8 months (separate) of long distance repair...in that time, he joined a group, 'allowed' me to put all kinds of monitoring devices on the systems (I've NEVER been a fan of being the policeman b/c I think its insulting to myself...basically its like forcing someone to want/love you when that decision should be made on their own). Anyway....I (for whatever stupid reason b/c I grew up with an addict and married one so I should have KNOWN BETTER!) rejoined with him last month before Christmas. I literally uprooted myself from my life...quit my job, moved, etc...b/c I truly believed that this was over (and had been over for at least over a year) and was really looking forward to getting my life 'back'...regaining healthy balance for my kids, etc.

Shortly after I moved back (I just got a wave of "I can't believe I'm back on this forum writing this...b/c I promised I would NEVER NEVER be this women!!!!) :e: :e: :e: :e: ...actually the first week - jet lag hadn't even worn off yet...I found some really disturbing things on the hard drive. Call it force of old habit, but I checked the history that you can't delete and found things that I didn't even know existed in P. Made me sick. I don't think I've ever been this shocked, even when I would find things regularly, at least they were 'normal' (if that means anything). But this was a new level. I contacted just a limited amount of people for help in figuring out what to do b/c I JUST transitioned with the kids and myself and how on earth could I do it again to leave!? I feel completely shocked and isolated. When I confronted him, he said it was stuff from a few years ago, but that he had relapsed "only twice" the week before I arrived. And then "just" a google search for some images. Which, apparently is 'nothing'.....

I've dealt with this for 12 years. :t: Thats just my husband. My father dealt with an addiction that eventually consumed his life. Addictions have ruined my heart, my self esteem, my trust...my career...(okay that one is my fault, STUPID STUPID that I've allowed other people's struggles to traumatize my life and not get ahead..)...don't hear me saying I let people tell me how to feel about myself b/c I'm a VERY independent, head strong type of women. But...father? Husband? Aren't those people that things like trust and stability are OKAY to expect from? I soften up and learn to trust and this happens again. I had JUST started feeling like my old, happy healthy self again. Even enjoying my body for once. Not ashamed to be at the pool in a bikini or wear shorts or...walk around my bedroom half clothed or rush out of the shower...b/c i lived by myself (well, my kids, but...you guys hopefully understand what I mean)...I had my own, safe place. I actually started believing people when they would tell me I was beautiful...my gym schedule went from obsessive to balanced. I was eating food not counting calories. Not that those things are the addicts 'fault' but living with the addiction is just like a constant "you aren't good enough" message. I KNOW I KNOW..."its not about me"...but you know what? Sometimes I wish it WAS. I wish for once my H would consider ME before he does something stupid and compromises our entire life together. I wish my father had considered his children...I wish it was about me for once. I see people all around me who have these amazing marriages...women who aren't perfect but whose husbands love and cherish them for THEM. Best friends, great sex partners...they are just happy to be themselves and don't strive to please an impossible to please monster. You know? Thats what it is...someone who can demolish someone they "loves" heart...a monster. I could never never do this to my spouse or children. In fact, I've sacrificed SO MUCH for the sake of them. HOPING and hoping. I've been a fool. !D :e:

My bigger question now is...I realize I may have to AGAIN disrupt life and get on my feet AGAIN move, find a place, etc. But, should I wait and let HIM put me on my feet this time? Say its MY turn? He can have his ridiculous fantasy world all he wants, but I'm going ot make something of myself on his dime for once? Instead of be used like a rug to wipe feet on? The content of some of the P I found also was....questionably illegal. I don't know what to do with this either because I'm in shock. I've heard stories of IP addresses being tracked, FBI coming and taking addict to jail and kids away until mom is cleared. I could never let this happen to my children. Yet, turning the device in would create that...I was a child who had to watch my dad go to jail and had the trauma of life totally changing. As in happy, great childhood one day with a normal father to strained, traumatic childhood with an addict father - literally overnight. So...I couldn't do that to my kids either. I'm totally stuck. Does anybody have ANY kind of advise or...? I don't need emotional help or advise on what addiction is or what I need as a partner, etc etc...I've literally probably read every book, attended every seminar, gone to counselors, sat in on HIS recovery...EVERYTHING. I KNOW THIS stuff. The thing is now though? I don't want it anywhere near my life. I don't want it to be a part of ANYTHING. I have no more patience or desire to participate in ANY way with this BS "recovery" that is always promised, but never delivered. And, I will not waste ONE MORE minute of my time dealing with his choices. My kids deserve better and so do I. :no:

I just want to know if anybody has experience with anything remotely like...can I at least have those sites checked to see if they were illegal? Don't I have a legal obligation? Please help!!!

I don't know if I broke any rules writing things I wrote or...if I can't use words like Porn written out or..I don' tknow! So please tell me that as well. I read through the rules and didn't think so but I'm also not really thinking clearly these days. Thank you in advance. :t:


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 Post subject: Re: Completely Confused
PostPosted: Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:51 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Quote:
'allowed' me to put all kinds of monitoring devices on the systems (I've NEVER been a fan of being the policeman b/c I think its insulting to myself...basically its like forcing someone to want/love you when that decision should be made on their own)
You are right that he should make that decision on his own, and that he should have been learning to manage his own behaviour (that is what recovery is about!). Where you are mistaken is that his “allowing” you to monitor his behaviour doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want or love you. Addiction and wanting to recover (or not) really has nothing to do with us. Yes, there is a valuation in choosing behaviours. What this does mean is that his ability to love you in the mature and healthy way that you desire is not developed. Nor does it mean he doesn’t want to—he lacks the skill and wherewithal, and maybe even the belief that he even can overcome addiction.

Quote:
Anyway....I (for whatever stupid reason b/c I grew up with an addict and married one so I should have KNOWN BETTER!) rejoined with him last month before Christmas. I literally uprooted myself from my life...quit my job, moved, etc...b/c I truly believed that this was over (and had been over for at least over a year) and was really looking forward to getting my life 'back'...regaining healthy balance for my kids, etc.
Like me, like most of us, you believe because you wanted to believe. There is nothing wrong with that! It was a value based decision—why wouldn’t you want it to work out with your husband, the man you love and married? There is no “should have” known better. Maybe you ignored your intuition. Maybe you made a decision based on that hope instead of treading cautiously to feel out the situation. But, you were overseas. Just know that you made the decision you made, based on the tools and info you had. We are not clairvoyant. We cannot see what we cannot see. New revelations happen all the time, and —unfortunately—mostly in hindsight. You are a strong, independent person and maybe just once you wanted to be able to trust someone enough—someone who you “should” be able to trust, and maybe just once you wanted to let down your stronghold to take a chance. Well, in any case you did and you did with very good intentions, based on a want for a life that is built on particular values. It is so sad and unfortunate that he isn’t up to the task, and that he took you along for a selfish ride (and it is completely selfish on his part). It is sad that he ins’t mature enough to be honest and transparent up front. It is sad that it is still all about him. His motive was to get you back. He probably hoped that once he did get you back that somehow he’d magically recover. You have several options. The workshop will help you work through your options. It won’t be easy work, but it will be worthwhile. I would recommend that you don’t up and disrupt based on this one discovery. This is reactive. I am not saying you should stay with him, but maybe you need to give yourself some space to reorient yourself. I know you did the work a few years ago, but believe me—that doesn’t mean that you are not again disoriented or re-traumatized, and it doesn’t mean that you will make all the right choices—especially from this place of discovery. I know it is painful. As loath as I am to admit it at times, because I feel I should have it down pat, it is relatively easy to fall back into the same reactive patterns that you likely engaged in prior to doing any healing work. I am speaking from experience—recent experience. Please do not beat yourself up for not having it down pat. If you are reactive, notice that you are reactive and commit yourself to not making permanent and significant life choices in that reactivity. If you feel empty, notice that you feel empty and resist the temptation to try to fix it now. We all struggle with our internal Veruca Salt from time to time. She demands what she wants without consideration of anything else. Take a week to reflect on your values, your vision. Yes, your kids and you absolutely deserve better. Any time we take action from reactivity, or based on emotions or filling a void we are bound to regret it, and it will take more work to put ourselves back on the path we set out for ourselves through our work here. Any time you take action from your vision and values you know that you are taking the right action (i.e. the right action for you).

Writing the word porn or sex etc. do not violate any rules or values, here. The only thing we ask is that people do not go into explicit details which may be triggering, and to be aware of the context of language. We do not support derogatory language. We do support respect. Expressing anger is not derogatory or without respect, but it can be. If anyone crosses that line, it will be pointed out by someone, and then a coach will deal with it.

Regarding what to do. If your partner was using questionably illegal material, I would suggest talking to someone in your area to find out for sure, or do some independent research. Questionably illegal may not be illegal or enforceable. I don’t believe that turning in the device will result in your children being taken away from mom until you are cleared (you are the one turning in the device) but leaving it (if it is in fact illegal) until the feds come knocking on your door most likely will result in kids being taken away until mom is cleared. Being proactive is always the best bet, in my opinion. Ultimately, it is your choice since it is your life, your situation and without knowing exactly what you are dealing with, questionably illegal is subjective. At the very least, I would talk to a counsellor in your area, and share your concerns.

I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. It is not easy and you are not alone. It doesn't matter if the exact circumstances are the same, the emotional impact is relative. And, children are individuals who will experience it how they experience it. Some kids are impacted by a stern look, others can accept change readily. All the details are just "what happened" and the rest is what we made it mean. You can't control that for your kids. You can talk to them and increase their awareness, but they will make up their own meanings. You are doing the best you can with the tools and resources you have. That is all you can do. That is all you have to do.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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 Post subject: Re: Completely Confused
PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2015 2:25 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 12:41 pm
Posts: 95
To ScarlettA and Coach Mel,

Coach Mel, your intelligence, insight and vulnerability give me relief and focus. You are a gift.

Dear ScarlettA, I have no guidance to offer but I will say this: you sound incredibly strong - by the time I got to the end of your last declarative paragraph, I felt INSPIRED! I hope to learn to have the voice that you have attained.


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 Post subject: Re: Completely Confused
PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2015 9:33 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
ScarlettA
I just want to offer support. You aren't alone.

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"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


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 Post subject: Re: Completely Confused
PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2015 12:39 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:26 am
Posts: 78
ScarlettA ,
As Autumnrose stated, you are not alone. I have been in a similar, though not an identical situation; not as drastic since it didn't involve moving and uprooting children, and my DH and I are still together. But as far as believing things were better, to finding that I was still being deceived... I have been there. I also felt like a fool. Until I revisited my values and my boundaries around them, and realized, I haven't betrayed anyone or anything, and I cannot beat myself up for my husband's issues. I want to be a person who trusts and gives 2nd chances. That is a value of mine. Forgiveness. You were acting according to your values and there's no foolishness in that. For me, in my situation, it became clear that our present system wasn't serving adequately enough, and so we brought in reinforcements, so to speak. I found the lesson on developing healthy boundaries, and the corresponding exercise (Exercise 20) very helpful. It looks at old boundaries and creating new ones when the old ones don't serve to protect our values.
Hang in there! I am cheering you on!


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 Post subject: Re: Completely Confused
PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 11:11 am 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
ScarlettA, hi!! Protect yourself and children FIRST......only my opinion, but finding out and reporting would be my choice better than waiting for someone else to implicate you!! You are way stronger and braver than you believe yourself to be!!
Blessings to you and the kids on this journey that has brought you there!!

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It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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