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 Post subject: Over reacting?
PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2015 8:40 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2012 2:06 pm
Posts: 58
My H was off for work for 3 months and went back and a woman he works with asked him if she could hug him to welcome him back he said at that moment he wanted to hug her more than anything he hugged her and he said he got instantly aroused and if she would have wanted to have sex he would have been happy to do that also he said he told me cause he don't think he should be married anymore if he feels that way. I am very upset that he thinks so little of our marriage, my question am I over reacting to this?


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 Post subject: Re: Over reacting?
PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2015 12:37 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Jennifernola, well of course this is upsetting! This is a nuclear bomb he's thrown at you.

It's so clearly addict behavior and I hope that gives you some solace. Sounds like all or nothing thinking to me. I can't remember where you are in your work on partners lessons, but a boundary is probably in order here. Or, as the Coaches have explained to me, you can say something like:

"When you say you don't want to be married/are worried about being married, it hurts me and scares me." Or whatever you feel. Best to say this without drama. He probably can't completely hear it.

When my husband says these sorts of things (or I say these sorts of things) I find I need to not panic; not get enraged; not get filled with despair. I need to separate from the moment to find some peace and emotional equilibrium. (Of course, I then ruminate and obsess, but that's another issue I am working on).

In the interim, do be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.

With compassion,
dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Over reacting?
PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2015 6:56 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
I completely understand why you are upset. I'd be upset too! But you have to remember that SA are immature and selfish. His comments reflect that. That doesn't mean that you have to tolerate it. Dnell's suggestion is a good one. Hang in there.


Last edited by sp2007 on Mon Feb 02, 2015 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Over reacting?
PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2015 8:00 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Ditto to what dnell wrote.

His words are terribly hurtful. It was nearly two years ago I put a post here with the concern my marriage would end because of some things my husband vocalized. At that time, I still believed his statements at face value.

What I've learned in that time since is when it comes to his addiction, as well as some life management issues (e.g. Financial stability) I can only measure his actions, and his words will be immature, selfish, etc etc. But, I DO let him know his words impact me. I think it's critical he face responsibility for what he says as well as what he does.

I can't tell you what to say or do in return. That comes best from you, motivated by your values. You may find it useful to note to him, stated in a neutral tone, "i am sad because your words make me feel you think so little of our marriage and it makes me want to distance myself from you."

I am sorry you received such painful words. You are not overreacting at ALL. What he said is not something a person who is healthy and stable would likely say. Trust your intuition. It is ok to trust yourself on this.


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 Post subject: Re: Over reacting?
PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 10:15 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:02 am
Posts: 63
This is one of the most absolutely frustrating and worrying and hurtful things that I have experienced in this process, and I think it is completely justified that you are upset.

Our situations are not exactly the same, but what I've found is that when my boyfriend feels threatened (either because I am pushing the topic of recovery or because I have found that he has engaged in SA behavior) he almost inevitably reacts by getting angry and frustrated and saying something like "I just can't do this anymore! I can't deal with myself and getting myself healthy and deal with us too! It's just too much! I don't want to be here anymore!" At these moments, I very calmly look at him for a moment, and then say "okay, well, if that is what you feel you need in order to work on yourself, then of course that is what you need to do. That is absolutely your right. You have the right to make whatever choices you want- healthy or unhealthy, recovery or not, staying or leaving. If you would rather leave, or you feel you need to leave, then that is your choice to make. So, how would you like this to work? When do you think you will be moving out?" Of course, the reality of his saying this is not because he wants to leave or because I am somehow making recovery impossible for him. The reality is that he wants to be treated as though he is not an addict. He does not want his behavior or honesty questioned, and he- above all else- does not want to have to admit to still acting out. He wants to live a charmed imaginary life where he is above reproach. And the moment that he realizes that I am perfectly willing to call his bluff, and that I will no longer be playing this game or giving into his childishness, he changes his mind entirely and decides that he really doesn't want to leave at all and that he is just struggling with life and becomes very remorseful (although, of course, in a selfish and self-centered kind of way).

As I said, the situations do not seem to be exactly the same-- but going on my experience I get the sense that when our SAs threaten to leave, or even do leave, it is because the are caught up in a childish reactionary emotion of not wanting to be accountable for their own choices. They want to pretend and to be treated as though they are not addicts (even if, in leaving, they are choosing to go live completely within their addiction. If they leave to live within the addiction- then there is no one there to tell them that is what they are doing. They are alone or with someone unaware and they can pretend all they want).

It is so frustrating, all of this. So unnecessary and exhausting and sometimes overwhelming. Hugs.


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