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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 10:59 am 
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Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2015 12:16 pm
Posts: 10
Hi,
I'm new here. Please help! I'm really struggling with where to find what to do, what I want and where to find my vision?
All the pragmatic stuff and doubts seem to get in my way of putting these visions (not too idealic but hopeful dreams practical but attainable goals) to pen on paper?
I finally survived the cathartic experience of partners healing lesson 1 re counting my recent experience shared via healing thread, sigh a small relief. I still feel so stuck and sick like I can barely move to do my job and even practical day to day things are tough, I feel paralyzed with sadness and grief :(
Am I still in shock, it's only been a few days now, is it too soon for me to move onto lesson 2? Am I supposed to sit with my new reality more time and process my feelings further?
I welcome your feedback. Thanks!


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 2:46 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
HBC - I am so sorry for the pain you are in. All of us partners here can empathize. We know. So many emotions in the first few days after discovery, and the shock and sadness is disabling. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself. Do something good for you and your daughter (and stepdaughter?).

The vision work in lesson 2 actually made me feel better. I suggest reading other partners lesson 2 in their healing threads. I don't think you need other partners visions and values, but it can give a sense of the range of values partners have. These values can change. Our vision can change.

But, you may not be ready. That's okay.

The lessons were very helpful to me but I took them at my pace.

You are not alone.

With compassion and solidarity,
dnell


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 4:54 pm 
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Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2015 12:16 pm
Posts: 10
dnell, Thank you so very much for your reply! I really appreciate all that you shared and all that I have gathered thus far and continue to discover here on RN and I'm so grateful that one of counselors I have ben considering locally had referred me start here. We will be starting with her together as a couple this week on Th. Upon reading and approaching lesson 2 it had me thinking we should be working on ourselves singularly but to my surprise she says together is just as important too. I suppose so long as both parties are willing and feel comfortable and ultimately feel they may want to stay together and work it out then I yeah I guess. Surely time will tell if each of us is really doing and staying to save for what we think we have or want? Once we deeply and truly consider what it is we want I imagine a lot could change with ones own perception of the self and their personal vision right? I will take your advice and continue and so as to get some perspective of the exercise and the experience etc. Again thanks for listening :)


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 4:54 pm 
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Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2015 12:16 pm
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PS dnell - I'm so sorry for your loss and pain of this experience and I wish you all the best too!


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 6:28 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2014 7:06 pm
Posts: 28
HBC, I am fairly new on here too, although my D day was nearly a year ago. It will be tremendous support for you to know you are not alone at this really difficult time. It is a non judgemental space where sadly we can all identify with your pain... I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.

I found the lesson hard too... as I had been dealing with the feelings and judgements a long time before trying to get help on here. What I found is that I did loose my own sense of identity as I struggled with his problem.

You matter too! It may be too soon to think about what you want or need right now as you struggle with the shock of discovery. But when you are ready work through it kindly. What would empower you to live your life on your own terms?

Don't bottle every thing up! Come on here for a rant and support. My mistake is that I did bottle it up until I felt like I did not matter anymore and blamed myself. I wish I had got help sooner...

Please be kind to yourself, try and be your own best friend sending you thoughts of strength...


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 7:13 pm 
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Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2015 12:16 pm
Posts: 10
Toffeetimetravellor, Thank you for your response sharing and kindness here. Likewise I'm sorry you have endured such pain! It's comforting knowing you and others are here, but I have to be honest it's also a wake up call I'm still shocked at how many how prevalent a problem this is it is so out of control in our society! We should be so lucky for the chance to escape and go live in the himalayas as a monk, a simple life without needless modern day distractions.
Indeed it's so easy to blame oneself, but sometimes even my other half he (perhaps Unconsciously) makes me think or feel as though I'm in part responsible. The more I learn and begin to recover or realize the place or even opportunity that I'm in, I know deep down inside, I have survived divorce and infidelity before, I'm not to blame for his taking such grave actions upon himself and his family! In the end it is only he that is responsible not I.
Bottling up, yup, and it's killing me because of my career a media artist (no less) that I share my art and content online and that I post regularly for marketing and PR purposes etc. I'm just un inspired right now, in fear of social media. I've been avoiding all of those areas a lot this week, except for a strictly business must share posts because like all of us we start to compare; I get caught up with gotta keep up with the Jones's and their perfect life and relationship etc. mentality, feeling that I'm failing at yet another relationship, here in society, on a personal level which then relates to can I even really do this on a professional level? I love this quote and this I would be proud to share no matter what everyone should be asking themselves this question regularly! "What would empower you to live your life on your own terms?"
Everyone has their time there's no rush to hurry up and wait, so I will follow 1 step and 1 day at a time approach.
I'm so grateful for this place to vent to listen to learn and to give back. Thank you for your support and I hope you will too soon find a way for you too :)


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:09 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2014 7:06 pm
Posts: 28
HBC
I am so sorry that your personal life is disconnecting you from your work. Yes modern technology can be a curse as well as a blessing. Too much is too immediate and too available. I long for the days before it intruded on our relationships too..
I have been divorced before and too am feeling the pressure of another failed relationship - even if there is hope, I have to admit that the marriage I had is over. There may be a new relationship with him in the future but the old one has gone, and that has been very hard to acknowledge...
I hope that you get some inspiration soon, do not blame yourself.... :t:


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