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 Post subject: Mourning loss
PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2015 10:23 am 
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
I had my first mourning dream (what I will call the kind of dream I had) this morning. I had these dreams after my mom passed away. In these dreams, I would be with my mom just doing whatever. I would always know (or come to the realization at some point during the dream) that she was gone, and that my dream gave me extra time with her. The dreams were always so real, as if I was really spending time with her and it was so comforting. This dream of h was the same kind of dream. I have had one other dream that I can remember with him in it, but it wasn’t a mourning dream. In the mourning dream, I was with him and our daughter at his place. It wasn’t the same as his place now but in my dream it was definitely his place. As in the mourning dreams about my mom, we were just hanging out, doing whatever, and the feeling was viscerally comforting. It felt good to be there with him, even though I also knew that we were not together (we were, after all, at “his” house). Then, I woke up. And, as with all of the mourning dreams I had of my mom, I was overcome with the sense of loss and just started crying.
I think these dreams are a way of processing and accessing my emotions in a real way; i.e. not in the reactive, attached, and self-preserving ways that I had been experiencing my emotions in the waking hours. These dreams allow me to appreciate the person in ways that I normally took for granted. You could say that it is a way of appreciating them as they are, rather than as they are to me. We would just be hanging out, doing whatever, nothing special and just the kinds of things that we might normally do. In life, these were not the moments I would have cherished or appreciated (except on rare, very present and mindful, occasions that required-at least in respect to my husband-vulnerability on my part). Reflecting on these dreams, the lesson is that it is these "nothing special" moments that are of greatest value. No pretense. No trying to impress or look good. No doing in order to. No self-preservation. These are the most honest and connected times.
Of course, the practical purpose of these dreams is that they allow me to reconcile my heart and my head. While my mom was ill, I was there for her and with her. There was nothing selfish in that for me, and I was at peace. Even as she took her last breath, I was at peace. But, in hindsight and taken with observing how I have been dealing with this loss, I see that I was also, up to the point of her death, just doing what needed to be done. I was caring for her, spending time with her, and in doing so I was helping my family cope somewhat. I was doing the same with this recent loss, except what there was to be done was finish school, pack, sell house, move, prepare for the holidays, all the while checking in with the kids to see that they are ok. With that, it makes sense that I am starting to have mourning dreams now. Now that what there is to do is done, it is time to move beyond doing. What's left is to truly accept and let go. This makes me very sad. I am happy to report that this is not a selfish sadness; it is a present and accepting sadness.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)

 Post subject: Re: Mourning loss
PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2015 2:10 pm 

Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:48 pm
Posts: 45
Dear Coach Mel, your post is so raw and honest, and I thank you for sharing...

have been giving a lot of thought to acceptance and letting go... they are one and the same...

your sadness is palpable and I humbly and respectfully send you a hug.

 Post subject: Re: Mourning loss
PostPosted: Thu Mar 05, 2015 6:15 am 

Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:31 am
Posts: 322
Thank you for sharing this, Coach Mel. I am learning about accepting and letting go, and not having an agenda about how a relationship is "supposed" to be, but replacing that idea with seeing what is and deciding if it fits with my values, my vision, my goals in life.

At present, with my current man, as you said yourself
What's left is to truly accept and let go. This makes me very sad. I am happy to report that this is not a selfish sadness; it is a present and accepting sadness.

I am trying to get to the point where I feel okay with what is, and that I can accept other people's limitations, and as Autumnrose said to me, to learn how I want to be in a relationship. She also said she wondered if I am being my best self and taking care of myself -- which I need to keep reminding myself is my priority now -- and as it should always be anyway.

Thanks Coach Mel for the inspiring and touching post.

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