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PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2015 8:46 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hello,

I just wanted to say "welcome" to ursula, who is joining the team of mentors. Ursula has been a member with RN since 2013, and has been an active participant as both a partner and a person in recovery. With that, she will have a dual mentorship role (of course, it is up to her to decide where she feels her contributions are of greater values, and where she chooses to spend her time).

Like all of our current and past mentors, (and coaches, for that matter--aside of those who do private coaching) this is a volunteer role. Candidates may contact a coach if they are interested, or they may be invited to consider the possibility (and then left to make the decision and contact a coach to indicate their interest).

Welcome, ursula.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2015 2:37 pm 
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General Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
Thank you, CoachMel,

The recognition of my progress on both the path of healing and recovery really honours me.

It feels like yesterday when, one month after Dday while frantically looking for help for my H I've stumbled upon RN and my life has never been the same. I've started the workshop for the partners just so I would not lose my mind and desperately looking for a way to help him and repair our relationship. All I wanted was for things to go back to where they were so we can live happily ever after. But he didn't seem to be desperate as I was. He was being comfortable, feeling in control and probably still in denial for quite a long time. Then he slipped, brushed it off as nothing and never mentioned it to me. At that time I was suffering from compulsive snooping, so I was to find out soon enough. I was utterly shocked by the nature of the things he watched, even though they were not explicit. I had a breakdown and ended up in the psychiatric ward for the weekend. I came out changed, determined I had reached rock bottom and I was not going to allow myself to ever fall so low. It was then that I've decided to let go of him and grab myself. I tried to continue the lessons for the partners but I was supposed to review my vision and I had none. I was nothing, over and above my relationship with him. I could see for myself I was not healthy ... how my previous relationships had unfolded, how I would cling to my partner to make me happy, the emptiness inside of me in the absence of someone to fill my life and keep me distracted from myself. So, I've decided to join the recovery side of RN and to try and build myself up. I thought it was from scratch but luckily, I had a good foundation, so I've managed to make it after some struggle. I know who I am today. I do not feel empty anymore. And in that, I was able to detach myself from H, more and more, with every disappointment, with every new pain, with every promise unfulfilled.

Where are we today? Well, I'm not sure. I still don't trust him. I never believed that he would go through the workshop and still not find too much value or insight in it ... But this is how it is and I feel we cannot move forward as a couple when there is no trust. I can be his friend and I enjoy our time together but I cannot be so vulnerable as to share myself intimately with someone I don't trust. He asked for some time to think about things and I accepted but played it down to being companions instead of partners. I do enjoy his company and the resentment is almost all gone. I forgave myself for believing his lies and marrying him and I am so grateful for having my own life and being able to enjoy it and the people in it, as imperfect as they are.

I've never completed the partner's workshop but I've always meant to go back to it after I finish the recovery one. My healing came as a consequence of my recovery. For most of the partners it's a question of getting their lives back, for me it was a question of forging one. I empathise with addicts and their partners alike. There is a lot of pain and misery on both sides of the board, just that one side is more prone to holding it back instead of dealing with it.

I want to honour those that helped me and I got a lot of help from both sides so I feel I need to give back on both sides. I have a bit of insight into both experiences so I am in a better position to understand and empathise. There were times when I felt like a "translator". I translated the partners to the recoverers and the recoverers to the partners. In those moments I felt I can make a difference, I can bring some deeper understanding and what comes with that, relief and healing.

Even though I do not feel that terrorizing pain these days, I will never forget how it tastes. I want to mention CoachMel, Nellie James, Mrs. Jones, thebagholder and all those that kept me sane after Dday and helped me on my path to understanding myself and my partner. A very humble thank you, I could have never made it without all of you.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2015 10:16 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Quote:
I've never completed the partner's workshop but I've always meant to go back to it after I finish the recovery one. My healing came as a consequence of my recovery.
This is not surprising, given that the healing workshop is based on the recovery workshop. Of course, it is edited to suit the partner’s perspective, but the work for partner’s, while less intensive, is essentially the same.

Quote:
There is a lot of pain and misery on both sides of the board, just that one side is more prone to holding it back instead of dealing with it.
Yes, there is a lot of pain on both sides. I think that the difference you have observed between the partner and person in recovery (which is a valid observation) has more to do with where each person is in their respective journey. The observed reality is that the majority of partners come here to look for healing—because they are ready to heal and get on with their lives—whereas there is likely an equal number of person in recovery who come here to fix something or appease their partner as there are those who are genuinely seeking recovery for its own sake. So, the balance is already tipped on the recovery side, so it is easy to make generalizations that healing partners are less reticent than recovering partners. It has less to do with being a healing partner or recovering partner than it has to do with motivation and where one is in their respective journey.

Quote:
I want to honour those that helped me and I got a lot of help from both sides so I feel I need to give back on both sides.
It is wonderful that you wish to honour those who helped you. Please do not feel like you have to give back—only give where it is most in alignment with your vision and in areas that are meaningful to you. Sharing your insight is a gift to the community.

Quote:
I have a bit of insight into both experiences so I am in a better position to understand and empathise.
Yes, you are in a good position to understand and empathize with both healing and recovering partners. That said, you will want to monitor yourself for making comparisons. We do not purport that any one contribution is of more value than another even though different members may resonate more or less with any mentor or coach. (I don’t think that is what you meant by your use of the word “better”, but you will want to be intentional and thoughtful in not being comparative in a “less” or “more” "better" or "worse" way; sharing from experience is not comparative in that sense).

Anyhow, thank you for giving a bit of a profile of your journey. And again, welcome.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2015 12:58 am 
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General Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
CoachMel,
Thank you for taking the time. Your comments are very much appreciated.
CoachMel wrote:
That said, you will want to monitor yourself for making comparisons. We do not purport that any one contribution is of more value than another even though different members may resonate more or less with any mentor or coach. (I don’t think that is what you meant by your use of the word “better”, but you will want to be intentional and thoughtful in not being comparative in a “less” or “more” "better" or "worse" way; sharing from experience is not comparative in that sense).

I deeply apologize for how my remark has sounded. For what is worth, I was making a comparison, but with myself. Before I started my work of identifying my own unhealthy patterns and owning them for what they were/are, I found myself unable to show much compassion or empathy to my H. Or shall I say ... honest compassion and empathy, one that would come more from my values and not from the sheer terror of losing him. I knew that our relationship cannot resist unless I am able to be compassionate and forgiving so I experienced them but tinted by personal "interest" and with certain limits (as long as he was complying and responsive). After I moved to the recovery side and many other similarities came out, the "quality" of my compassion and empathy has changed. I think it was also a consequence of my ability to detach, to separate my life from his, of not feeling so threatened by his decisions and actions. This is what I meant by "better" and thank you for giving me a chance to clarify. I agree it was a very bad choice of words.

CoachMel wrote:
Please do not feel like you have to give back—only give where it is most in alignment with your vision and in areas that are meaningful to you. Sharing your insight is a gift to the community.

Thank you for this comment, it is truly helpful to me. It is true that I feel more comfortable sharing my insights as a person in recovery and I haven't been focused too much on the partner's side, so I feel out of tune. My vision is that if my contributions are valuable enough to make a difference in someone's life, that difference would impact also their loved ones and ultimately the larger community. You've given me two strong criterias for decision-making that would ensure my contributions are valuable and therefore I can work towards my vision. Thank you again.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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