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 Post subject: What to do???
PostPosted: Fri Mar 13, 2015 7:18 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2012 2:06 pm
Posts: 58
My H and I have been arguing a lot, everytime I bring up how I feel he gets mad and says I am putting him down but I am not all I tell him is I just want Love, Respect, Caring, Faithful, and Honest from him, everytime I tell him that he gets mad and tells me "I give you what I got" he talks to me very hateful and very angry most of the time. If I tell him I don't feel love from him he says that's my problem. I tell him if he refuses to give me the 4 things I ask we need to split up cause there aint no chance for a relationship together, he says "You need to do your thing and I will do mine". I told him yesterday I need those 4 things and you need to decide if you are willing to give them to me or leave he said leave. He packed his things to leave and then decided he wasn't going to and still talked to me very hateful and I feel evil, I told him why did you stay for I feel you are being hateful to me he said change the subject then cause I am so sick of this subject all you want to do is talk about the same thing over and over again. He also told me that if a woman approached him he won't say no. We get along ok if I keep my mouth shut about how I feel. I just need to know am I in the wrong or is it time to move on, I feel it is but I want to hear another perspective on it. He is suppose to have been in recovery for about 4 years.


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 Post subject: Re: What to do???
PostPosted: Fri Mar 13, 2015 11:23 am 
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Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:26 am
Posts: 78
Hi Jennifernola
I am so sorry you are going through this. The four things you ask for are certainly reasonable requests. I'm not sure where you are in the workshop lessons, but some of the exercises lead you through values, and how to protect those values with consequences. The more time and detail you put into those exercises the easier it is to make these tough decisions. Perhaps not emotionally easy, but you have a clearer sense of the right course of action. You said your husband has been in recovery for 4 years. How is he demonstrating that? What are the positive changes you see, if any? It is easy for our partners to say they are in recovery, but if that's true, we should see concrete changes in their behavior. Observable clear changes. It sounds like there are two broad issues here. His recovery and your marriage, and yes, I realize they are very intertwined. You seem to have a strong sense from what you want in your marriage,as you named four things that are important to you. That is excellent that you can identify them. Do you also have a plan in place for how you will respond when you don't get those things. One of the most important things you can do right now for your self is to create or review your boundaries and consequences, and then follow through with them consistently. Decide what you are willing to live with and what you are not, and act accordingly.
This is not always easy. I know how difficult it is, but without consistent follow through, our situations don't change. It is up to your spouse to choose the type of husband he wants to be. It is up to you to decide whether or not it's enough. If it isn't enough and he won't change, you choose to leave or stay with things not changing. If he chooses to change great. But you should see those concrete changes.
I do hope things get better for you. Be strong. Do what's good for you. You are not alone!
lmartin


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