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 Post subject: Anger
PostPosted: Wed Mar 18, 2015 6:20 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
I don't know what's going on, but now, after 2 1/2 years, my anger has reached a place where I can no longer deal with it. I don't know what to do. One minute I'm fine and the next minute, there it is. Has anyone else had this sort of delayed response? How did you deal with it? I really want to rip into him -- tell him what a f'ing *hole he is, but I'm trying to manage it. I don't know what to do. It's tearing me apart. Really could use some advice.


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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2015 7:44 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
sp2007- I know what you mean. Jon spoke to us in the lessons about OUR having intense emotions. I don't want to be like an SA and have my anger feel "out of control" and justify destructive behavior. But, well, it does feel very intense. It feels volatile and dangerous. It feeds into hatred and feelings of retribution. Ugh. Toxic. Awful. Wish I could purge it out of my system.

I am struggling with this as well, and don't have answers, but here is my current way to deal with this: First, I give myself a break. Of course I am angry! I have every right to be angry. Then I think about what is behind my anger, and in my case it is hurt and fear. Tremendous hurt. Of course I am hurt. I then try to figure out ways to self soothe, to do something nice for myself, to connect to the parts of me that I value and like. I also know that as much as I feel like I want to lash out and hurt my husband, I really do not want to do that. There's been too much pain and suffering already. Why add more. Sometimes I do lash out and it always makes me feel bad afterwards.

I am in individual therapy and couples counseling and that is helping me with these issues. I can openly express and talk about my anger to my therapist. I am learning to say out loud to my husband how I feel. I tell him I don't want him to fix me, or to own my feelings, just to HEAR me. And, to his credit, he is working hard on doing just that. So, rather than blow up and lash out I try to say what hurts. This is hard. It makes me feel even more vulnerable.

I remember the coaches talking about cutting up her husband's old shirts. Other people have pounded pillows or screamed (in private). I find I need to take a walk or do some kind of exercise to get rid of the agitation caused by the anger.

I also try to figure out what I am angry about. Anger protects me from my hurt and fear. I realized today, and told my husband this morning, that I no longer fear the past. He still has his secrets and if he decides to open up and be honest about them, I know he could still shock me and hurt me, but I no longer fear that process. I do fear the unknown and fear why he still keeps secrets and why he still lies. I fear the future more than the past. I fear my husband will never be honest, never give up searching for "the perfect one", never give up the sexual and romantic fantasies, never commit to me. I fear I am too old to "fix" me. I fear that I am still too attached. So, I fear my vulnerablity. Anger feels so much better than hurt, fear and being vulnerable.

I am in touch with my values and am trying mightly to reclaim them and live them fully. That is happening. I am also aware that, as others have said, as I heal I am able to process more of what has happened and that starts up new rounds of hurt and anger. I NEED to feel these emotions, they won't kill me, since I never again want to be a victim of my denial.

With compassion,
dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2015 12:12 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Thank you dnell. I am trying to sit with the anger but it's not comfortable. I will try to think of a way to channel it in a positive direction. I haven't ever raged at him and don't want to start, although sometimes I think that may be a healthy thing to do. I guess the part that I'm finding difficult is that it comes on so suddenly. It's like being triggered but I can't connect it to anything. And, as I mentioned, it's worse now than it was at the beginning. Maybe that means that I've entered a new phase in my healing. I guess I should be happy about that.


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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2015 1:05 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:26 am
Posts: 78
sp2007
I just wanted to second all the stuff dnell said. I am 5 years post DDay and I still experience anger from time to time. My husband has made huge positive changes and so I know the anger I experience now isn't related to anything he's doing now. My mind will still revisit the injustice of all this from time to time, and I think sometimes I am just angry at the fact that I ever had to deal with it. Or that I still experience fear, worry, and less frequently, the whole "comparing myself to others" thing, even though I know deep down, it's not about what others have or what I'm lacking. Anger is part of the grieving process, just like denial and acceptance, and I know it isn't linear, it's cyclical. Anger, just like all the stages, can pop up seemingly out of nowhere, but I think there is usually a trigger. Try to figure out where it's coming from, and address it if you can.
There were times when my husband would "work late" to stay in his office and act out before returning home. So when he works late now, which is rare, I think by association, my mind drifts to what once was happening. And it's not just anger. When my husband feels ill, he tends to distance himself. He doesn't like to be around others when he's tired or sick. I sometimes immediately feel threatened, nervous... because distance was once a sign of something bigger. So there's nothing he's doing wrong to connect these to, but I think our brains make associations between similar but different events, and old feelings come along for the ride.
I just wanted you to know that these stages do reappear. As to why it waited so long for you... well maybe you were in some other stages during those 2 years. Or maybe, if you're anything like me, the first couple of years felt like just surviving - it was more of a state of numb shock in the beginning that gradually lessened over time, and then left room for anger. In any case, it's important to feel it, and acknowledge it.
I like the ideas dnell mentioned. I had to be active when I was angry. It felt like bottled up energy that needed an outlet, and so I walked or ran with my dogs or cleaned. Really cleaned! Once the feeling of rage was gone, I could open up and communicate with my husband in a healthy way. Even if you can't connect your anger to any one thing, your husband can still reassure you that he's on the right path.
I hope you are gentle on yourself and that you give yourself the gift of time to come to terms with all that's happened for you. This is not the kind of thing that any of us would have ever thought to prepare ourselves for. Nor should we have needed to. But here we are.
Hang in there. We're here for you.
lmartin5920


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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2015 2:58 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Thank you. It may just be the cyclical nature of grief. But I did have several other traumas to deal with shortly after d-day that probably caused a delay in my response. Perhaps I've just reached a place emotionally where I am now able to process all that happened. Lucky me :-) The only trigger I can think of is my continuing frustration with the situation. In some ways he seems better and is a better partner but in other ways the relationship is still severely lacking. On top of that I really have no way of knowing whether he is still acting out. He isn't in a program any longer so there's no sense of security in that respect. Just 4 months ago he booked a trip to visit an ex girlfriend behind my back. He didn't end up going but something in me snapped when I found out about it and I told him I was reaching the end of the road. You can read my posts about it here. The relationship seemed to actually improve after that. Shortly thereafter I decided I was done snooping. I just didn't want to be that person anymore. Plus I also decided that if he wasn't willing to be transparent and "prove" his recovery (by providing access to his electronic accounts, etc.) that I have to assume he's still acting out and make decisions accordingly. In other words, leave. Maybe I'm just at the point of making that call and I'm upset to be at that point after all I invested. Maybe I'm just upset to feel like he's choosing meaningless sex with prostitutes over me or going on dates with other women behind my back because he doesn't value me or respect me and all I have to offer. Maybe I'm just upset that what he does makes me feel like sh*t and there's nothing I can do to change that other than walk away. Yeah, I think that would make anyone angry. Thanks for listening.


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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2015 3:50 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
sp2007, I am so sorry for your painful situation. This up and down roller coaster of our relationships along with the NEVER knowing if they are truly recovered, is so anxiety provoking and wearying, let alone anger provoking. We are here for you.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Anger
PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2015 11:17 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
Sp2007, what I have done with my anger is go for a long walk-run on the beach and scream at the top of my lungs(what does 'top of my lungs' mean, anyway??)....at first, only squeaks came out, but have gotten pretty good at it....of course, we live on a quiet stretch and with the wind and surf, I felt comfortable that people would not come running. I also tried beating a pillow, but then ended up having to repair the pillow the next day!
I do believe the anger will continue to cycle through my days, weeks, along with depression, sadness, and hopelessness........then I will have a glimpse of openess and authenticity from my husband, and hope stirs that maybe, maybe we are turning a corner.
Hang in there, my friend, it is a slow journey, I'm told!!!!

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It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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