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PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2015 10:12 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2014 6:14 am
Posts: 52
RN has been a true lifeline for me. I feel like I am finally recovering from this trauma. He is also working RN and has a private addiction psychologist that he is working with. He is working on recovery, no doubt. It has been just over a year since my D day. There were several times that he committed to recovery and relapsed during that time. Each time I learned to forgive and trust again. I now am at a point that I do forgive him, but don't trust him at all. We are in a therapeutic separation and both working our separate recoveries. We text daily and see each other once or twice a week. He was the love of my life before all of this. I still like him... love him and care about him. He wants us to be a couple again, but is careful not to push too hard. My head tells me that would be wonderful some day because we had wonderful dreams of the things we wanted to do with our lives, but my heart isn't as thrilled. Even though he is in recovery and I feel like I am making great strides in becoming happy and independent, I have no desire to become intimate with him again. What I am wondering is if any of you have gone through this? Is it possible that I may change? I don't feel contempt or any negative feelings for him, just no desire at all. Is it fair to either of us to try to continue with us?


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2015 2:54 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:26 am
Posts: 78
Hi healme,
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Our husbands' addictions can definitely cause some changes in our desire for intimacy, sex, touch, etc. I am sure you are not alone. In fact, I am sure many are dealing with this very issue. I think there are several possibilities here.
First, you said you don't trust him, and trust is essential to intimacy. So my guess is that until you can trust him again, intimacy may be out of the question.
Second, I'm curious if you think you would have the desire to become intimate with anyone, anytime in the foreseeable future? I only ask this because you might need time to just heal before allowing yourself to be vulnerable again with anyone.
Third, you asked if it was fair to try to continue as a couple. My personal opinion is that if you both want to try and see where it goes, and if you are open and honest with one another along the way, it is fair to try. It is also fair not to. I don't think anyone can tell you what is right for the two of you.
If I might share of my own experience though, it might help you see the many ways this can play out... My husband and I are 5 years post D-Day. I wanted nothing to do with sex or even affection with him in the beginning. Because I didn't know what was sincere, what was real. We built our friendship again and then the desire for intimacy grew. But I do know that even five years later, sex is very different for me than it was in the past, but intimacy is crucial and I'm glad I stuck with us. Sex is less important to me than it once was, intimacy is more important to me than before. I go long periods not wanting sex (well, from my husband's point of view... "long" is a relative term here), but I always welcome snuggling, sitting close, holding hands, talking, sharing. My husband has had to get used to a lower frequency than he hoped for. But he accepts this because he wants me to want sex,not just have sex, and I'm grateful for that.
Bottom line is, I think you just need to be open and honest about what you're feeling, and decide together if what you can each provide the other now is what you both want.

One more very important word of caution, though... you are one year post D-day, and I know that feels like a long time... But how you feel another year from now or six months or three... may be different than how you feel now. So you may just choose to hold off on any big decisions and give it more time. I know that's hard. Time seems to march slowly...

I want you to know, you are definitely not alone on this. And I know how confusing and difficult it can be. I have great hope, and respect, for couples who really work at it. So thank you for sharing this, and I wish you and your husband both the best.
lmartin5920


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2015 4:58 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2014 6:14 am
Posts: 52
lmartin, thank you so much for your input. It does help and I do appreciate your heartfelt response!


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2015 8:23 pm 
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Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2014 5:45 pm
Posts: 45
Thank you for raising this question. I empathize and its nice to know that another person has the same fears. I have difficulty with any type of physical touch 2 years after DD. It literally sets off a stress reaction in my body. It has nothing to do with punishing/hating him and more to do with my own PSTD reactions and some aversions I have due to previous traumatic sexual experiences.

I also just get these images in my head of him acting out that don't seem to fade. I am hoping with time I can learn to live in the present more fully, but I don't see how I can move forward with the physical part without more spiritual progress.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 07, 2015 9:09 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:49 pm
Posts: 675
Hi Healme,

I can't offer you guarantees, but my experience was that my sexual desire for my husband slowly returned as we both healed and as he showed himself to be a safe partner. Both of those aspects were incredibly important. My own sexual experience was very damaged and I had lost control of my own sexuality through my husband's addiction. Reclaiming that part of me was central. But seeing that my husband was a safe, thoughtful, and self controlled partner made a huge difference. For us it took several years of work. Partly because he took several steps back through his recovery that extended things. But also because each step of work in rebuilding our sexual connection needed time to take root before we could continue. Even once I was a healthy person I needed to see him be trust worthy with each level of intimacy before I was prepared to offer him more. He needed to learn how to see and treat me as a whole person during mutual sexual experiences, and that took a lot of effort and time, and many mistakes that I, at times, needed to heal from. There were times when it felt like each time I felt a flicker toward him, it got snuffed out again in the process of trying to build a sustainable fire from it. It is a LOT of work. And as I said there are no guarantees. But if you're wondering if it's possible, yes, it is for some people.

One thing that we mention somewhat frequently is that it's important for both individuals to heal themselves before they can heal the relationship. It sounds like both of you have been investing time in healing as individuals, and that's really important! But it means that there has been little energy spent on repairing the actual relationship. The way you're approaching this is healthy! Please don't think I'm encouraging you to change your priorities! But because the relationship has not been healed yet, it's reasonable to expect that you would be disinterested in a sexual relationship with him. So the fact that you're experiencing that now, does not mean it will always be that way.
Once you have seen clear evidence of recovery and real growth toward becoming healthy, the two of you will be able to begin working toward deeper intimacy. It won't be until that point that you can know if those feelings will return.

I'd encourage you not to worry about what is fair to him. So long as you are appropriately honest with him, it is up to him to decide if he is willing to continue the relationship. (For example, you could say, "I don't know if my romantic interest will return, and if it doesn't I'll need to move on. But I'm willing to continue for now." And then it's up to him if he wants to continue as well.) The important thing is if the time and energy you are putting toward this relationship fits within your values.

Be Well!
Mrs Jones


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