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PostPosted: Fri Jul 17, 2015 5:56 pm 
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I've been working the individual partner workshop stages but I haven't posted anything publicly.

There's a simple reason, I'm a male dealing with a sex addict partner and I appear to be the only one.

I'm concerned because our situation (life/job/location etc) and the ratio of addicted females to males makes this extremely obvious who I am. I'm also concerned because my partner is seeking recovery through SA and is aware of and visits this site. I'm not comfortable being open with my responses when it's going to be obvious who I am not only to strangers but to my partner.

Any suggestions?


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 12:36 am 
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In a way I'm envious that your partner may visit this site and know which is your post - my partner knows the site but isn't interested enough in either me or postings to bother looking.
I understand that it is a concern for you and it would be a shame to have to limit your postings. I'm wondering if you could just consciously call your partner male( he or him ) and yourself pretend to be female. It may be awkward or a problem in some areas but many not? If she did read your postings and knew it was you, do you think it would be harmful to her or to your relationship, or would she be angry with you? I've wondered about this if my partner did read my posts.
The only other suggestion I could think of is to limit your posts to only be about yourself until later in recovery when the truth may not be so threatening.
I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but welcome!! I know you'll find support, information and help in healing here.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 3:57 am 
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I'm more concerned that she will continue to use it to falsify progress. She has repeatedly pretended to make progress, she parrots back things she's told, she is reading everything she can get her hands on since being diagnosed as an addict and I'm already hearing and seeing extremely familiar phrases and concepts which I know is from her reading.

As far as her being angry, I'd actually like her to see the damage she's done, see the reality that I've got a zero tolerance level for her continued crap. I'd like her to actually see people react so she can see just how inappropriate and unacceptable everything she's done is.

I have no interest in hurting her, I honestly don't care if she reads it, I just don't want to give her material to pretend to work on.
Reading that over, it's not 100% true, I'm not comfortable with her knowing how I feel. I'm trying to focus on my own recovery but at the same time I have no desire to provide her the ability to save the relationship temporarily through further deception.

I understand that SA isn't going to shame her for an already shameful addiction, but it's hard to not feel angry that she's getting support while I'm basically feeling like I'm isolated.

I was wondering if the private coaching still involves posting publicly or if I am able to PM my updates so they're not visible to her.
(I do understand based on the nature of the site that many functions of the site are massively restricted)


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 6:58 am 
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hadenuff wrote:
I was wondering if the private coaching still involves posting publicly or if I am able to PM my updates so they're not visible to her.
(I do understand based on the nature of the site that many functions of the site are massively restricted)


Hi hadenuff,
Welcome to RN. Regardless of your gender, this place can and will support you.
I did private coaching. None of my lessons were/are ever public. Only the coach accesses them.

Given your concerns, I see this as a good possibility for you. You will also get a bit more individualized feedback.

It was a really good choice for me when privacy was a concern.

Be well,
Meep


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 8:59 am 
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hadenuff - I am so sorry for what you are going through. Discovering that we are partners with an SA is devastating. Whether we are male or female, we are bonded by this excruciating experience. That said, I do understand the issue with being the only man with a bunch of women. I actually think our experiences have more similarities than differences, but I recognize and respect those differences. My only thought about this is perhaps you can see if the support you get from the partners here can be helpful enough that it is worthwhile. Only by trying can you learn if will be of value.

And, not wanting your partner to read what you post so that she can use it against you.... Boy, I really get that. I'm in marriage counseling and the counselor has asked me to tell my husband what it is I want to see him do in order for me to trust him, and I say out loud, "Are you nuts? Why would I do that?" And, I haven't yet told them what I want to see. But, RN has taught me about what I need to see and that has been extraordinarily helpful. But, and this is such an important realization for me, as I have been detaching from my husband's crap and learning to trust myself and my "gut" once again, I realize he can't pull the BS he used to. My radar is much better. This came with time and really believing in myself again.

Also, I have come to realize, they can't fake some of the things that show true recovery. They can't fake true empathy. They can't fake spontaneous, meaningful communication. They can't fake the inner serenity and compassion that comes with true recovery. They can't fake personal accountability. They are masters of manipulation and deceit, so for a while they can mimic recovery, but they can't sustain it. When they are not recovered, they are just way too selfish and immature to be able to devote the energy to this pretend recovery. At this point I really can feel when my husband is stumbling for integrity. I know the areas he keeps secret and guarded. It didn't happen right away, but over time, I got this awareness.

So, for you, private counseling through RN is an option. I have also found an individual therapist who understands trauma who has been enormously helpful to me.

If you believe your wife is not committed to recovery, you are right. Your gut will be right. I trust it. I invite you to post here on RN just to see if it helps. Or you just post in the partners forum to see if we can be helpful.

With compassion and solidarity,
dnell


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 1:29 pm 
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WOW, thank you for the concerned and informed responses. From what I'm seeing the private forum is going to be the best bet, I'm thinking about adding the coaching as well.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 1:50 pm 
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hopeful.9 wrote:
In a way I'm envious that your partner may visit this site and know which is your post - my partner knows the site but isn't interested enough in either me or postings to bother looking.

If I wasn't hoping to maintain the relationship I wouldn't care what she saw or read, my main concern is her mimicking recovery by doing the things she's able to be told to do. One of the things I'm learning is that managing someone else's addiction directly or indirectly means it's now my job and that doesn't help them which doesn't help me.
The thing keeping me sane through this is that I've learned to be as selfish as she is at times. I focus on how I'm doing, how I feel and what I'm going to do with no concern about her process. It's hard at first but it becomes a comfort to realize that I'm only responsible for me right now.
I am truly sorry to hear that you feel like he isn't interested enough, but I think the other side of that is that you are interesting enough for you. If that's not enough for someone else, that's their issue.

hopeful.9 wrote:
I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but welcome!! I know you'll find support, information and help in healing here.

There's no other way to say it, it sucks, but reading through some of the posts and realizing I'm not alone (despite being the only male I've found and despite the fact that all lessons refer to the partner as "he") it's comforting to read posts and see that other people understand how I feel.


dnell wrote:
hadenuff - I am so sorry for what you are going through. Discovering that we are partners with an SA is devastating. Whether we are male or female, we are bonded by this excruciating experience. That said, I do understand the issue with being the only man with a bunch of women. I actually think our experiences have more similarities than differences, but I recognize and respect those differences. My only thought about this is perhaps you can see if the support you get from the partners here can be helpful enough that it is worthwhile. Only by trying can you learn if will be of value.

Actually, the only concern with being the only man in a group of women is how much I stand out and how recognizable my situation is.
Reading through the forums I don't see any concerns about male/female etc. I see a large group of people trying to help themselves and others. It's actually really comforting and it was one of the big disappointments when I realized she was going through the site.

dnell wrote:
And, not wanting your partner to read what you post so that she can use it against you.... Boy, I really get that. I'm in marriage counseling and the counselor has asked me to tell my husband what it is I want to see him do in order for me to trust him, and I say out loud, "Are you nuts? Why would I do that?" And, I haven't yet told them what I want to see. But, RN has taught me about what I need to see and that has been extraordinarily helpful. But, and this is such an important realization for me, as I have been detaching from my husband's crap and learning to trust myself and my "gut" once again, I realize he can't pull the BS he used to. My radar is much better. This came with time and really believing in myself again.

We see a couple's therapist who also sees us individually and she now defers to me in certain situations but always mentions that it's because she knows I have a massive depth of understand of how she ticks as well as to quote you "my radar is much better".
As for telling her what she needs to do, I've sadly taken that route before she was diagnosed and she used it to manipulate me further. I was furious and even now it pisses me off to no end when she asks "but what can I do?"...I just want to scream, NOTHING, you can't do anything, trust is earned and you have dug a hole under the bottom of the barrel of trust and continue going deeper and further away from it.

dnell wrote:
Also, I have come to realize, they can't fake some of the things that show true recovery. They can't fake true empathy. They can't fake spontaneous, meaningful communication. They can't fake the inner serenity and compassion that comes with true recovery. They can't fake personal accountability. They are masters of manipulation and deceit, so for a while they can mimic recovery, but they can't sustain it. When they are not recovered, they are just way too selfish and immature to be able to devote the energy to this pretend recovery. At this point I really can feel when my husband is stumbling for integrity. I know the areas he keeps secret and guarded. It didn't happen right away, but over time, I got this awareness.

This has been a Godsend for me, I can read her like a book now, I know her bullshit from a distance, I know her patterns and her behavior. It's not longer about what she can get away with, now it seems to be more about what she can pretend to do to get out of this immediate issue. She's also completely blind to prior situations we've been through as if they never happened.

dnell wrote:
So, for you, private counseling through RN is an option. I have also found an individual therapist who understands trauma who has been enormously helpful to me.

I think this is going to be my solution, is the fee a one time fee?
If so how does the site sustain itself and it's counselors on such minimal cost?

dnell wrote:
If you believe your wife is not committed to recovery, you are right. Your gut will be right. I trust it. I invite you to post here on RN just to see if it helps. Or you just post in the partners forum to see if we can be helpful.

Yes, unfortunately I've learned very quickly that all those times I ignored my gut and believed her I would soon have another knife in my back.


meepmeep wrote:
Hi hadenuff,
Welcome to RN. Regardless of your gender, this place can and will support you.
I did private coaching. None of my lessons were/are ever public. Only the coach accesses them.

I became concerned when I saw that CoachJon had passed that many of his coaching posts were made public.

meepmeep wrote:
Given your concerns, I see this as a good possibility for you. You will also get a bit more individualized feedback.

It was a really good choice for me when privacy was a concern.


I think this is definitely the route for me.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 6:41 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2015 12:43 pm
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So, how do I get started with the private forum/coaching?


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 8:55 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Hi hadenuff,

If you go here:

http://www.recoverynation.com/main/cata ... 20Coaching

It's the first option on the page for $250.

To clarify your earlier response, if you do not go this route, a private forum is not available. Instead, the self help responses forum is available but seen by all.

This private coaching forum listed above is interactions only between you and your coach. It is a special forum set up with visibility access for ONLY you and the coach. Of course ensuring your privacy at home with your computer access, etc would be part of your responsibility.

If you post to the community forum, as you have done here now, that remains publicly seen, regardless of your private coaching forum.

Your concerns about Jon's postings may be somrthing you can address to the coaching staff via this form:
http://www.recoverynation.com/main/contactus.php

My experience over 2+ years is my privacy and sesnsitivity is/was highly respected. The integrity of RN and its coaches and volunteers is why I remain active and supportive.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 7:07 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2015 12:43 pm
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I made the payment, how will I know where to log in etc?


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 7:40 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
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Hi hadenuff,

It took a few days for them to get back with me with these details.

Because RN is volunteer run, and the staffing is tight, actual humans process this and do it by "hand" (versus automated). Hang tight and if you still don't receive more info in a few days, let us know and I can try to see whom you can contact.

Meanwhile, you can begin the workskop lessons and type them into a word processor to paste into your forum later. Everyone's pace differs. For me, I integrated 1-2 lessons a week best. Any faster was me trying to seek easy fixes. Others' mileage will vary :g:

The second lesson on your vision can be life changing, especially later on. Special, focused time for yourself on this one will be in service to you.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 7:51 am 
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Meep, you're aweseome!

One small issue, the email for paypal and the email for the forum are different. For privacy reasons I created an email account not connected to my life, how will they know to connect the two dots?


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 3:38 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
hadenuff wrote:
Meep, you're aweseome!

One small issue, the email for paypal and the email for the forum are different. For privacy reasons I created an email account not connected to my life, how will they know to connect the two dots?


are you able to check the email related to paypal? If so, my guess is they will email you there. You could then interact with that person about using the other email address that you associated with the forum.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 3:52 pm 
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Hi Meep!

Yes, I've been checking the payment email, I'm sure this is just the fact that it's the weekend. I'm trying to be patient but as needy as this sounds, I'm revved up to get started.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 12:57 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:49 pm
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Hi hadenuff,

I am posting here (despite it not being a both-sides thread) because I think this should be addressed by a Coach, and Mel is still taking a bit of a break from the site.

Regarding males on the partners side: it's true that you would be a minority, and I am not sure how many there are at the moment; however, we have definitely had many males on the partners' side over the years, so you are not the only one (we have even had male Partners' coaches). Fundamentally, people of any gender and/or sexual orientation can be in recovery or healing.

I can understand the concern about being identified; however the key is what you said here:

Quote:
I honestly don't care if she reads it, I just don't want to give her material to pretend to work on.


This itself should not deter you from being open and honest about your own healing process and using your thread as you see fit. Remember that the work you do in the lessons for your healing is about your own life, not your partner and not her addiction. In no way should you be managing her recovery, or even be particularly that involved with it at all (and you seem to have already recognized this). If your partner chooses to use something she reads in her thread to continue pretending and deceiving you...that is her prerogative. If she had such an intent, then she is not in healthy recovery, and it wouldn't really matter if your thread was public or not: she would find a way to pretend in some other way. Even the workshop works this way: depending on intent, someone can actually use the tools detailed in the workshop to become better at deceiving, manipulating and covering up their addiction. Such behaviour would eventually be exposed (it would really only be a matter of time)...and, in either case, you should have boundaries and consequences set out in preparation for this.

Quote:
I think this is going to be my solution, is the fee a one time fee?
If so how does the site sustain itself and it's counselors on such minimal cost?


There are payment plans available. And yes, as per your second question: it's been a challenge and there's been numerous times the site has struggled for funds. :w: RN is otherwise completely donation-based and volunteer ran, with the only payments being for the services offered on the products page such as paid coaching.

Quote:
I became concerned when I saw that CoachJon had passed that many of his coaching posts were made public.


Not quite sure what you mean here. All private coaching threads have always remained hidden and will always be so; only the coaches can see them and we are all bound by confidentiality. Many of CoachJon's other public coaching posts made in the Community forum are often still bumped on the forums, but those have always been public.

Quote:
So, how do I get started with the private forum/coaching?


Send us an email at recoverynationcoaches@gmail.com

Otherwise, I think meepmeep and dnell covered everything else. Hopefully that helps, and welcome to RN. :g:

Boundless

_________________
"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where do you expect to find it?" - Dogen

"Be a lamp unto yourself." - Buddha

"The obstacle is the path."


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